The word “loyalty” comes from Latin legaletas and indicates a component of the character for which a person chooses to respect certain values of correctness and sincerity even in difficult situations, keeping initial promises and behaving following a pre-established code, be it tacit or explicit.
Each network of relationships has as its main purpose the maintenance, conservation and evolution of the system that regulates it. Psychiatrist Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy states:
“a family script is an unexpressed code that guides the various contributions of individuals. This code determines the scale of equivalence of merits, advantages, obligations and responsibilities. Commitment, devotion and loyalty are the most important determinants of family relationships.”
Commitment, devotion and loyalty are the most important determinants of family relationships.”
We can therefore say that we inherit enormous baggage from our family members! This is why we tend to accept certain situations for fear of losing the love, attention and affection of our family. This is completely normal: no one wants to be rejected by their family unit. However, people can use this emotional “power” and play with “family contracts”.
What are family contracts?
The family contracts that are created between family members are the result of a mix of expectations, which can take on a dangerous connotation in personal fulfillment.
When we talk to people outside our family unit, we observe differences in the way we deal with certain issues. We thus realize how our thoughts are structured and the behaviors that derive from them. This awareness, most of the time, takes us by surprise: it is as if we were seeing things become for the first time our ideas that previously belonged only to our family.
Sometimes we may realize that these ideas are absolute and leave no room for individuality. To give some examples, let’s think:
- to the artist kicked out by his family because he doesn’t want to follow in the professional footsteps of his other members
- to the woman forced to be a housewife just because no one else in the family works
- to those who want to move abroad but give up for fear of hurting their family
- to the son forced to become passionate about football because all his brothers play it
- to those who do not want to continue the historic family business and do something else.
The same fate happens for the labels: the good guy, the entrepreneur, the nice one, the handsome one, and so on. How much do these rigid definitions of ourselves affect us in achieving our life goals?
Types of family contracts and their possible psychological consequences
“Family contracts” can take different forms and profoundly affect the psychological well-being of family members. Systemic psychology, in particular, has identified some recurring types of these implicit agreements:
- Invisible loyalty contracts: these are unspoken expectations that push members to maintain certain roles or behaviors so as not to disappoint the family. This can lead to feelings of guilt or anxiety when trying to assert one’s individuality.
- Sacrificial contracts: in some families, the idea is conveyed that collective well-being must always prevail over individual well-being. Those who deviate from this rule may experience isolation or a sense of inadequacy.
- Clearing contracts: Sometimes, a family member feels obliged to “fix” mistakes or shortcomings of previous generations, taking on excessive responsibilities that do not belong to them.
The psychological consequences of these contracts may include:
- Difficulty in self-definition: the person struggles to distinguish their own desires from those of the family.
- Low self-esteem: the constant comparison with unrealistic expectations can undermine self-confidence.
- Anxiety and guilt: the fear of disappointing the family can generate persistent emotional distress.
These effects have also been described in clinical literature, for example in the works of Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, psychiatrist and founder of systemic family therapy, who underlined how family loyalty can become an invisible but powerful bond.
Who am I?
We absorb the ideas of our family, the traditions and the expectations that are transmitted to us but, once we reach a certain point in our lives, we may start to ask ourselves questions about the world. The more we grow, the more legitimate this need becomes.
We are what we learn, and we often get carried away by the values transmitted by the family without thinking. Sometimes, however, it is precisely the ideas and values assimilated by the family that can play against us: loyalties become harmful.
Some people, for example, may believe that marriage should last a lifetime just because their parents were always together, sacrificing their happiness and space in the name of family. These people may find themselves unhappy in their relationships and unable to understand that they don’t have to continue.
Cut these invisible threads
Recognize ours family legacies it allows us to get to know ourselves better and the reasons that drive us to have a certain behavior. What if we realized that respecting everything our family has passed on to us doesn’t make us happy? This awareness could be the first step in expanding our possibility of choice.
A very useful thing to do could be to write a letter to ourselves: what do we imagine being able to do without those threads and ties that constrain us?
Practical strategies for recognizing and addressing family legacies
Addressing family legacies requires awareness and small, concrete steps. Here are some practical strategies that can help “cut the invisible threads” and build a more authentic identity:
- Recognize your own patterns: Taking time to reflect on what behaviors or beliefs are repeated in your life and where they come from. Journaling can be helpful in spotting these patterns.
- Question expectations: ask yourself if the expectations you feel you have to respect are really yours or have been inherited from your family. This step can be facilitated by discussions with people outside the family unit.
- Establish healthy boundaries: Learn to say “no” when a family request goes against your values or needs. Boundaries are not a lack of love, but a way to protect your well-being.
- Seek professional support: a course of psychotherapy can help explore family dynamics and develop tools to manage them in a more functional way. According to the DSM-5, the difficulty in separating from family expectations can represent, in some cases, a vulnerability factor for the development of anxiety or mood disorders.
- Celebrate the small changes: Every step towards autonomy, even if small, is important. Recognizing your progress helps build self-confidence.
These strategies do not eliminate the bond with one’s family, but allow one to experience it in a more free and conscious way.
Start writing a new chapter in your story: rely on Evidence Network
Recognizing family legacies and learning to distinguish what truly belongs to us can be an act of courage and self-care. You are not alone on this journey: with the support of an Evidence Network psychologist you can explore your roots, understand the invisible threads that bind you and work to build your identity in a more authentic and serene way. If you feel the need to be accompanied on this journey of awareness and change, start the questionnaire to find your psychologist online: the first step towards a potentially freer life and in tune with who you really are.
