More than “problematic” teenagers, it is more right to talk about situations in which the growth of the boy or girl meets obstacles, sometimes even serious. Reference adults play a fundamental role in this, but it is not always easy to connect with young people
Often, when it comes to adolescence, the term “problems” is associated with this word. Actually more than talking about adolescence problems It would be more right to speak of typical “behaviors” of adolescence, far less judgmental terminology.
Having a child or daughter who is going through the adolescent phase can actually cause those that a parent can perceive as problems when it is instead of absolutely normal life phases, which can displace the adult but that must not arouse excessive concerns and above all must not be faced with anxiety.
Adolescent behaviors or problems?
It is true that The teenager has a central problem It is fundamental: that of dealing with his body that is quickly changing; Indeed, more precisely with parts of his body, linked to sexuality, which suddenly seem to have “put the accelerator”. This is often the cause of the tender awkwardness with which many boys and many girls move in this phase of their life, and this is due to the fact that the harmony with which their body has grown in childhood has given way to non -synchronized changes. The teenager therefore finds himself having to deal with parts of his body that are “more adult” than others that instead seem to mature with different rhythms, and this affects him in the way he walks, in daily movements, in the rhythms of life.
“The discovery of sexuality is part of the list of adolescent problems …” is a concept that is heard often. Certainly the discovery of sexuality, at this stage, often takes place under the sign of inadequacy, of the fear of not being up to par, of the desire to become great that coexists with the desire to remain in the nursery of childhood. And this elastic between childhood and adulthood is one of the most unreachable characteristics of teenagers: “One day she wants home keys, the next day she asks for pampering!” It is a typical and absolutely normal manifestation at this age, and as such it must be welcomed. Just as it is absolutely physiological that boys and girls make a kind of pit and spring between respect for the rules and their transgression. It should always be remembered that for the teenager The adult world is a field to be experienced That inspires fear but also arouses deep desires.
For all this it takes time: the boys and girls live a slowed time, different both from the very long days of childhood and from what unfortunately, very often, is the frenzy of adults. A guy or a girl who spends the whole afternoon on the sofa to do what is to idle for adults is instead living a fundamental experience of his agea suspended time in which he must reflect on what is happening to his body and identity, and must be able to do it without excessive pressure. Often, however, unfortunately, teenagers are immersed in excessive activities, which fill their days without leaving those times of reflection or even just healthy loneliness they would need much. Rather, few initiatives and few commitments should be proposed to boys and girls, allowing them to choose what they feel closest to their sensitivity; This should also apply to the school, which often struggles to grind topics on topics and checks on checks, often without being able to intercept the changes that the boys are going through.
How to deal with adolescence behaviors?
Undoubtedly, having to deal with adolescents is not always easy for adults, also because this relationship always puts the memories of their youth on the field. And therefore, How to deal with adolescence problems (or not they are)? What to do in the face of the behaviors not always easy to read of the boys?
As we said at the beginning, first of all we must avoid considering them problems. If a boy is experiencing a physiological phase of life but he feels that his behaviors are always considered problematic, he will not be able to understand what the best way to become great can be and will close in himself, afraid of the adventure of growth. That is, he risks feeling a “problem” himself and to be ashamed of those who instead are necessary passages. Young people continue to ask adults not to be judged, and it is an absolutely healthy and right request. It is one thing to propose to boys and girls an adult model (to be shown through the example and not only in words!), Other instead it is to continue to negatively judge the boys always making them feel inadequate.
Therefore, a lot of patience on the part of the adult is needed, since every boy or girl is looking for his normality, his way to grow, which is different from that of any other subject. There is no “type teenage” But there are the stories of the individual boys and individual girls who need adults able to offer listening and understanding. It is necessary to put yourself in dialogue with them, listening to their words and needs but above all their silences, because even close to the adult is also a way of communicating. Often, in fact, boys and girls also communicate through the closure of the door of their bedroom or by answering with apparent detachment to the questions of the parents (“how are you?” … “everything is fine” …). These are not elusive responses, but a typically adolescent way of maintaining contacts with the adult. The absolute right to the privacy of the boys and girls as regards their physical intimacy must also be extended to emotions and feelings: it is the teenager who must be able to choose how much and how to open up to the adult, knowing to find listening and not judgment, availability and non -invasiveness.
When to worry?
Obviously there are so -called “problematic” adolescents (even if this term should be abolished), or rather situations in which the growth of the boy or girl meets obstacles, sometimes even serious. The adult must always be attentive to grasp the signs of these situationswithout frightening but also without underestimating them.
A teenager who closes relationships with friends and who withdraws socially – even reaching the point of not wanting to go to school for a certain period – must be understood and followed with tenderness and love, should not be forced to socialize but rather helped: it is necessary to understand what scares him in the relationship with others and make him understand which positive sides of his character and his physicality can be appreciated by the rest of the world. In general, boys and girls need more positive and realistic signals at the same time. To tell a boy “you don’t know how to do anything” or make him believe he can do everything – even what goes beyond his limits – are two opposite but equally harmful messages. The boys must always be returned the positive sides of their character or the appreciable results of their efforts, but always maintaining everything on a land of reality. “You did it, so you are able to do it” is a phrase that every boy would have the right to feel said, and if adults were more concentrated on identifying the real data of their children instead of continuing to criticize them or to exalt its not existing quality, the boys would earn in balance and self -esteem.
One of the strongest signals of a teenager’s discomfort is what is manifested through his body; We think of eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia), self -harm, attempted suicide, dependence on substances. In this case, obviously it is necessary to help specialist but it would be wrong to delegate everything to the psychologist or neuropsychiatrist, because even in such problematic situations the role of the parent is fundamental. It is necessary to understand what the changes to be introduced in one’s behavior can be, without guilt but understanding, in continuous listening and dialogue with the boy or girl, what can be the access codes to his heart and feelings. All this needs a dialogue between all adults who deal with the adolescent (parents, teachers, coaches, scout leaders, catechists …), to understand together which signals the teenager is sending to the adult world and what shared answers are possible.
In general, it should be remembered that adolescence is not an age of life which, compared to the others, is closed as a tin compartment: childhood and adulthood, that is, the “first” and the “after”, are to be considered in continuity with the adolescent years. A child who lives serenely, surrounded by loving parents, can become a teenager who joyfully remembers his childhood but at the same time he has great desire to get to the next stage of his development.
