When we think of a couple who argues, in conflict, the first image that many of us comes to mind includes two angry partners.
By now the emotions have been studied, understood and told in more neutral terms and we are increasingly moving away from the idea that “bad” or “negative” emotions exist. However, when we imagine an angry face it is possible and frequent that we do not feel beautiful sensations and this is extremely normal.
What is anger and what function does it perform?
Anger is an innate and universal emotion described in numerous models and is one of what have been called “primary emotions“(Ekman, 2008).
Over time it has been divided into sub -categories (e.g. primary anger and secondary anger Greenberg and Paivio (2000)). It is described through various terms, based on intensity or other variables.
In the therapeutic programs of the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), for example, the anger is described by about “16” different words including “Ara”, “Collera”, “Bad mood”.
Like all emotions, anger also has one adaptive function: allows us to defend ourselves and survive physical and emotional pain; It helps us to restore the sense of justice after a wrong immediately; promotes compliance with their own person and rights.
But how do we live and show anger in our relationships? How do we interpret the anger of the other? All this depends on many factors and is more complex than it seems.
Emotions in reports and moi – internal operating models
John Bowlby in his attachment theory tells us how starting from the very first years of life, children begin to build “models”, the representations of the experiences of interaction with their own reference figures.
These models (moi – internal operating models) will then be the guide that that child will always be able to bring with himself. They will help him understand and interpret the behaviors of others and to regulate their own consequently.
Depending on one’s life story then Each of us will give a value and frame every emotion based on its own moibased on the frame in which every emotion expressed himself around him and how he experienced it on himself.
Phrases like “is angry, leave it alone”, “better not to make it angry” or “I don’t have to show that I feel like this” they come like automatic and immediate thoughts. However, they are the result of many experiences lived and are now the basis of our way of being in relation to others.
The way we express or do not express emotions therefore depends on what we have learned in our life.
When we start a sentimental relationship as adults, everything can make themselves more complex: what happens if for example the other does not react how we expect? How can I regulate the way I express myself or remain calm when the other sends me signs so different from my way of seeing things?
Changing such an ancient and protective perspective within us, remaining calm to listen/observe the other can really be a challenge. Anger is certainly an emotion that risks, if not correctly interpreted, to generate couple malaise.
Anger in sentimental relationships
As said so far, depending on how our internal models have been created, depending on how the environment around us has shaped us, as adults we will have a representation of our anger and anger of the other very clear and precise but, alas, not universal.
For some of us the anger was a emotion to avoidto fear and we are children or affections of people who “it is better not to angry”.
For others of us, anger was the only thing that made us visible to the other, which allowed us to feel understood and helped. We are those children who have used anger as a vital thrust and who have often thought and still think “if they don’t get angry it is even serious”.
The moments in which there is more risk that these different representations cause pain and suffering between partners are the moments of conflict and disconnection.
Disconnection and anger in the couple
When we feel disconnected from our partner we can have the alarming feeling that the most important person of our life is ignoring us, criticizing, that “does not see us” or that is dangerously moving away.
When we hear a threat in our attachment system it is normal to try Deep emotions as fear, anguish, suffering, sadness.
Being in contact with these emotions is historically very difficult. If in addition our childhood experiences have taught us that we must stay away from sadness, that we must not show ourselves vulnerable and weak, that if the other sees us sad and suffering will move away, then the disconnection becomes even more dangerous.
Each of us tries to cope with this threat following their own patterns, their moi. Let’s see how to express anger can have a different function:
Anger to connect
Some of us when they feel criticized, moved away, in danger, they need the other to “feel”, “see” it and then “raise” the emotional tone, and start experimenting and expressing one growing anger.
In this case anger is a “hot” emotion, a cry, a way of making the other understand that I perceive it physically or emotionally distant: if we think about it if we feel the other it is far away we really need to “scream” to reach it.
Anger aims to involve the other. “Why don’t you feel the danger?”, “How is it possible that you don’t realize that I am suffering, that our relationship is in danger?”. These or other thoughts arise from the need to find the connection and express anger is sometimes the best strategy we have to show us, to show our partner how threatening what is happening is.
Anger as a block to the connection
If our childhood experiences teach us instead not to express our emotions, if every time we have experienced and shared with others of feelings it has not been successful, we will simply stop doing it or try to get away from the other when we perceive them.
The emotional world becomes dangerous and in a moment of disconnection, especially if the partner expresses and “floods” all his emotion, we will feel the need to move away.
In these cases sometimes anger is the only strategy that works for reject the emotions of the other: In this case the anger is used to “block” the other, to tell him that he must stop approaching.
Who experiences this type of anger often wonders “how do we reconnect if we continue to fight?”: Anger serves to prevent the emotional tone from getting up and runs the risk of moving away more and more.
In conclusion, if there is no sharing compared to the reason why we get angry, it is possible that negative cycles are triggered that maintain or increase our disconnection.
Violence and aggression: anger outside the attachment system
The expression of anger among the partners can also announce a more extreme situation than that we have spoken so far.
Sometimes anger and its expressions are part of what is called “domestic violence“(Whether it is physical or psychological).
In this case, the understanding of the function of anger becomes indispensable: it is vital to discern the situations in which aggressive, albeit extreme and dangerous behaviors are inserted in an escalation to which both partners contribute to saving the couple and the couple connection from the situations in which the abusive partner does not use anger and aggression for the purpose of connection but only for the purpose of dominance and self -assessment.
Not all violent couples are couples in which there is domestic violence: to understand and evaluate these delicate and dangerous situations, it is necessary to request appropriate help.
How to manage anger in the couple
In one of the most recent therapeutic models for the couple, the therapy focused on emotions (Hemotinally Focused Therapy – EFT) is celebrated the concept that “there are no irrational emotions”.
This refers us to the idea that the most important thing in the attachment bonds, in the spaces in which we feel safe, is to become aware of what it can mean in the present moment a certain behavior and a certain emotion that, in fact, can only be right and normal for those who are feeling and expressing it.
The first step is therefore “slowing down” and always asking us “What is happening now?”.
“What does the other feel right now? What does he try to communicate to me through his anger?”.
Questions like these can increase awareness of what is happening and can lead to the regulation and management of emotions that are activated inside and between us.
When to ask for help
Even this first step can be difficult and not immediate and it is therefore important, if we feel overwhelmed by the emotions that we feel in our moments of disconnection, let us help and be guided towards a different awareness of us and our couple.
Everything is fine couple therapy It aims to help partners better understand what is happening with each other.
In the model EFTfor example, this occurs “slowing down” and helping partners to understand their experiences, to connect the emotions that experience through the “lens” of the attachment and first give a personal and valid sense to their emotions.
The change then takes place through the new “dialogues” that are established thanks to the reworking of the experiences lived.
We cannot ask ourselves not to get angry, but we can learn to be in contact with our emotions and communicate to the other what sense (Linehan, 2015) has for us to express them.
Bibliography
- Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss. Vol. 1: Attachment. New York: Basic Books. Tr. It. Attachment e loss. Vol. 1: Attachment to the mother. Turin: Boringhieri, 1972.
- Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and loss. Vol. 2: Separation. New York: Basic Books. Tr. It. Attachment e loss. Vol. 2: Separation from the mother. Turin: Boringhieri, 1975.
- Bowlby, J. (1979). The Making and Breaking of affectional bonds. London: Tavistock Publications. Tr. It. Construction and breakage of emotional ties. Milan: Raffaello Cortina Editore, 1982.
- Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and loss. Vol. 3: Loss, Sadness and Depression. New York: Basic Books. Tr. It. Attachment and loss. Vol. 3: The loss of the mother. Turin: Boringhieri, 1983.
- Ekman, P. (2008). I read it in the face. Recognize emotions even when they are hidden. Amrita Editore.
- Greenberg, LS, & Paivio, SC (2000). Work with emotions in integrated psychotherapy. Sovera editions.
- Johnson, S. (2013). Create relationships. Couple therapy manual focused on emotions. Sassari: Institute of Cognitive Editore Sciences.
- Johnson, S. (2014). Love Sense. The sense of love. The new and revolutionary science of romantic relationships. Sassari: Institute of Cognitive Editore Sciences.
- Johnson, S. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotional Focused Therapy (Eft) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.
- Leahy, R., Tirch, D., & Napolitano, L. (2013). The regulation of emotions in psychotherapy. Practical guide for the professional. Florence: Eclipsi.
- Linehan, M. (2015). DBT Skills Training. Manual-leather and worksheets. Raffaello Cortina publisher.
