The ability to do and receive criticism is one of the essential elements of the assertive communication. As A. Lazarus said “expressing a criticism is difficult, but not impossible”.
First of all, it is necessary to distinguish between the criticisms constructive/effective and those manipulative/negativeunderstood as incorrect in the way they are addressed. Of course, it is good to strive to express those of the first category mentioned, which are described with the following characteristics:
- aim for behavior
- are specific and situational
- they contrast the action (e.g. wrong, incomplete, inaccurate)
- they start from the negative to move on to the positive
- express the cognitive part and do not invade the emotional one
those manipulative, instead:
- aim for the person
- they are generic and totalizing
- they contrast identity (e.g. sense of guilt, anxiety, sense of inadequacy)
- they start from the negative to degenerate into the intensified negative
- express both the cognitive and affective part
Here are the points to keep in mind when we criticize:
- contact the interested party directly
- treat in private instead of in public
- Avoid comparisons
- Avoid sarcasm and irony
- do not let contentious accumulates
- face one topic at a time
- don’t apologize
- Don’t say “always”, “never”, “anyway”
- talk more about himself than the interlocutor
- suggest a realistic and acceptable solution
Instead, this is a useful pro-memorial for when you receive a criticism:
- place criticism in a specific and concrete space
- do not feel every time in question globally as a person
- I would not allow to be labeled, but to specify the specificity of one’s mistake
- ask for concrete and detailed explanations to understand which aspects of the criticism are founded and which unfounded
- Request useful suggestions to a positive outcome of criticism
- On the disagreement I will seek a satisfactory mediation for both
Inside the Asssertiveness training There are also specific techniques, called “defense”. They are taught and used to make people able to “keep” assertive Even in all those most critical situations, in which it can be difficult not to deviate towards passive and/or aggressive behaviors. Let’s see them specifically:
“Broken disc” technique: it is necessary not to get involved in persistent people or who implement manipulative strategies. It consists in repeating your point of view calmly, always using the same words, without providing other explanations. It is useful to use even when we make a request that is in our right to demand.
“Amazing” (or Fogging): The opinion/criticism/request of the other is accepted, admitting that there may be of the truth, without justifying itself. E.g. “I understand your point of view”, “you’re probably right”, or using a paraphrase, a reformulation. The aim is to “confuse”, accepting the criticism that is moved to us but, at the same time, calm the interlocutor, “displacing it”, and then open a clarifying dialogue. You listen to what the person says and, using his words or the like, you recognize his need but also declare his point of view.
“Negative investigation”: It is used to transform generic manipulative sentences into specific and constructive criticisms, e.g. “To please me, can I show me where I was wrong?” .
“Negative assertion”: It consists in admitting our mistake and apologize. Its goal is to reduce hostility and tend to extinct manipulation.
“Selective deafness”: It involves refusing to speak of a certain topic, not commenting or replicating. Eg, when someone insists on discussing even if we have clearly made them understand that we no longer intend to talk about it. Sometimes it is useful to reiterate our attitude with phrases such as: “I understand correctly, but from now on I have no more intention of answering you. We have already discussed this topic and you know how I think about it. If you still continue to talk about it, I will pretend not to hear you. On any other topic I am willing to discuss, but not on this”. Afterwards you really have to say nothing more about the topic in question, even if caused.
“Referral”: Sometimes it is possible to neutralize the anger of someone who is unjustifiably aggressive if you agree to continue the conversation only if it will stop using certain tones. It can be said, for example: “I am willing to talk about it, but I can’t take it when you are so angry. Calm down first, and then we will discuss it”. The commitment to availability must naturally be respected if the interlocutor really calms down.
-“separate the components”: It is a useful technique to contrast those who want to push others to act as they want, mixing different aspects and plans. We must not be confused or misleading. For example, we can hear from a friend: “Of course if you refuse to lend me the money I asked you, you don’t really care about me”. In this case it is important to distinguish the two members (i.e. friendship and loan of money), saying for example: “It is not true that I don’t care about you, but I am not going to lend you some money”. For maximum effectiveness, this technique can be combined with that of the “broken disc”.
We therefore saw how theassertiveness It is a transdiagnostic ability, that is, useful in a multiplicity of clinical disorders but its training is effective very often also in the non-clinical population. The assertive training, albeit much less present in today’s research, continues to be a widely used and fundamental “tool” in the repertoire of the behavioral and cognitive orientation therapist.
