Assertiveness meaning
THE’assertiveness It can be defined as the ability of a subject to recognize one’s needs and express them within one’s environment. The assertive It has a good chance of achieving its goals while keeping a positive relationship with others.
From an etymological point of view, the term assertiveness It derives from the Latin verb “asserting” (asserting, in the Italian translation) and from the English “assertiveness”.
The assertive behavior It promotes equality in human relationships, which allows people to act to safeguard their interests and rights, respecting those of others.
That of assertiveness It cannot be considered an equivalent or synonymous concept of social skills/competence, as it is limited to a specific sector, even if extensive and composite, of the aforementioned skills.
Who is an assertive subject
Those who are assertive uses a type of communication, verbal and non -verbal, which is a clear and direct expression of its needs, will, desires or intentions. However, he also takes into account the feelings and emotions of the person with whom he communicates.
The idea of reciprocity is intrinsic, because the same right to communicate beliefs, feelings and to pursue objectives is also recognized to others.
In fact, the concept of assertiveness It is closely connected to that of freedom, both by environmental conditioning and expressing itself in more advanced and technically more effective forms.
The first form of freedom concerns the subject and consists of himself; The second is the freedom of others, in the sense that they are recognized for the same purpose.
Assertiveness: what assertive communication is
Assertive communication is aimed at improving interpersonal relationships that take place with daily frequency. Towards the family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues of their workplace or any person with whom a possible type of conversation is exchanged.
Specifically, theassertiveness It is the particular competence that provides to be able to express one’s inner world, composed of ideas and emotional states. This, however, avoiding to create damage to other people by going offended or not respecting the opinions of others.
Individuals assertivetherefore, are not only able to considerablely increasing the quality of the relationship that is established with the other person, but also that of one’s own way of life.
In this way, according to various psychologists scholars of the topic, with assertiveness They defend their opinions, without accusing peaks of anxiety. But having the opportunity to express to others what are the feelings experienced, without harming their rights.
Also, in the assertive communicationthere is an excellent balance between two types of behavior possessed by each individual: we are talking about the passive and aggressive one; This also means living relationships with others in a balanced way, that is, without suffering and without attacking.
Assertiveness is a balance between passive and aggressive behavior
Some models propose a two -dimensional theory. That is, social behavior takes place along a kind of behavioral continuum.
They range from a pole of “inactivity or passivity” to an opposite pole of “hyperactivity or aggression”, both considered negative and dysfunctional. Halfway through the socially skilled and functional behavior, that is, theassertiveness.
Let’s see, now, more precisely the characteristics of the various behaviors mentioned and the differences between them.
Passive behavior
Having this mode means giving up the expression of thoughts and emotions, submitting to the will of others.
Being passive and renouncing goodness allows you to avoid conflicts in the short term, but in the long run it leads to a gradual loss of self -esteem, because you would like to express your point of view but you are unable to do it.
He who intends to communicate is blocked, or hesitant, due to the fear linked to the possible judgment of his interlocutor, thus preferring silence and an “harmless” course of situations. The needs of others are preceded to one’s own.
Concretely, We are passive if we tend to suffer the otherswe think they are better than us, we are dependent on their judgment, we need their approval. If we are always afraid of making mistakes, we cannot refuse the requests and we cannot make or accept compliments. But even if we have difficulty communicating our feelings, we feel uncomfortable with people we don’t know, we struggle to make decisions.
These are only some of the difficulties that a subject can have in relating to others. In fact, to be passive it is not necessary to always possess, with everyone and in all situations, all these characteristics.
It may happen that the passive person, after having accumulated excessive frustration, “bursts” with aggressive behavior. Consequently, these trigger guilt that bring her back to her usual attitude. This mode is called passive-aggressive.
The inability to make their own decisions and dependence on the judgment of others meant that they tend to “support” on aggressive and/or manipulative people.
Aggressive behavior
On the contrary, putting this mode in place (however not assertive) means expressing one’s thoughts and emotions taking into consideration only one’s point of view.
This allows in the short term to achieve what you want and feel strong and appreciated, but in the long run it produces feelings of guilt and enmity.
However, the aggressive person lacks assertiveness and expresses self -centered and arrogant attitudessuch as to allow him to dominate the other; They preterate their needs to those of others.
Concretely, we are aggressive if we feel better than other people, we tend to judge and/or criticize others, we make them feel guilty or lower. If we do not know how to ask “sorry” when we are wrong, we want others to behave as we want, we make decisions for others without listening to their opinion. But even if we cannot change our opinions on someone/something, we do not accept the idea that we can make mistakes, we do not listen to other people when they speak and/or we interrupt them often.
Again, it is not necessary to have all these characteristics to be able to define yourself aggressive. Basically, a subject of this type, incapable of assertivenesshe will tend to surround himself with passive people, who confirm his “superiority”.
ATTENTION: being aggressive does not mean exclusively exercising physical violence against others. All attitudes and behaviors characterized by the violation of the rights of the other and the carelessness for the feelings and emotions of others are aggressive.
The aggressive person often manages to achieve what he wants and therefore, as far as it concerns, does not perceive a discomfort at the relational level. In reality, in the long term his behavior could lead to being marginalized by others who will no longer tolerate his behavior.
How do you be assertive?
Compared to these two extremes, the assertive behavior It is located in the middle. There is a balance between the expression of one’s needs and the space for those of others. The others are not judged, their point of view is accepted, their collaboration is sought. You are ready to change your opinion, they do not demand that others behave as pleased us but they listen to, while making our decisions autonomously. They do not allow others to manipulate or be aggressive with us, they do not make themselves hear lower or guilty, they are able to communicate our emotions or moods.
It is always important to recognize and accept one’s personal rights (right to say no, to say I don’t know, to change opinion, to say I don’t concern me, to make mistakes, etc.). It should be understood that sometimes disagree from the opinions of loved ones does not involve compromise or loss of the relationship.
It is not selfishness, but affirmation of one’s needs, in fact, the “not must not be confused assertiveness“With the help of others (it can be of help when this does not involve sacrifice our needs).
Develop these skills, in practice, means being able to:
- stay in touch with their emotions and their communicative objectives,
- Knowing how to communicate effectively with any type of interlocutor (example, start a conversation with a stranger)
- express needs, needs, desires and personal preferences
- say no
- Make/receive compliments and/or criticism without feeling uncomfortable.
Consequences of the lack of assertiveness
When, on the other hand, we cannot implement one or more of the behaviors described above, it is a problem! We accumulate stress, frustrations, discomfort, we feel inadequate, and this affects our self -esteem and our mood.
It is clear, therefore, the reason why it is necessary to be assertive. First of all, because the human being is constantly inserted in a network of relationships in which it is essential to mediate with assertiveness between ours and others’ needs. Furthermore, for a very important effect on our self -esteem. Not being able to be respected (or not be able to respect the other), for example within the couple relationship, or in work relationships, can generate lack of self -esteem, frustration, anxiety and anger.
Numerous research have demonstrated how to improve self -esteem, through the acquisition of the assertive competencecan be an effective therapeutic tool of knowledge, change and prevention of psychic discomfort.
The lack of this competence can be, in some patients, one of the factors of maintenance of the psychological distress.
Because it is useful to be assertive
Of course, being assertive It is a choice that manifests itself in an improvement in the quality of interpersonal relationships, in greater self -esteem and self -efficacy. In fact, it allows you to recognize and catalyze emotions, instead of repressing them (passivity) or throwing them on the other (aggression).
THE’assertiveness It is a way that allows you to communicate from adult to adult, avoiding to act automatically driven by momentary and often destructive emotions, and to achieve one’s goals.
It is an indispensable ability in daily social interactions, in the family, professional and in all relationship contexts. It is also recognized as fundamental by the scientific studies of the World Health Organization. These attribute increasing importance to the acquisition and enhancement of “Life Skills“ (ie “skills for life”), which include:
- self -awareness
- Management of emotions
- Stress management
- critical sense
- ability to make decisions (decision making)
- ability to solve problems (problem solving)
- creativity
- effective communication
- empathy
- skills regarding interpersonal relationships
Bilbiography
Sanavio, E. & Sanavio, F. (2023). Assertive communication training. Knowing, evaluating and enhancing communication and interpersonal relationships. Trento: ed. Erickson.
