Betrayal in the couple

Betrayal in the couple

By Dr. Kyle Muller

Betrayal is a traumatic event that compromises the couple’s balance, making all the trust placed in the confidence in itself, in its partner and in all life projects together.

It was once more complex to find out if the partner had another relationship. Today new technologies reveal the secret lover. Betrayal becomes the dysfunctional way you have to make explicit a discomfort in the couple.

The subject who betrays the trust of the partner has often hidden and held for himself the dissatisfactions of the relationship, avoiding establishing a dialogue that clarified the difficulties of difficulty, with the hope of being able to preserve the couple, obtaining only the opposite effect.

Once the betrayal has been discovered, the betrayed subject develops a strong sense of insecurity with recurring thoughts on the event, often asking their partner painful and meticulous details about it, as if to make himself present to the scene. Those who are the victim of a betrayal experience, strong experiences of anguish, mixed with anger and on the one hand, try to appease these feelings, insistently requesting information on how the facts took place, seeking confirmations that this will no longer happen. Often those who have been betrayed is concerned about the fact that he can no longer regain confidence in the other.

At the beginning of the betrayal there is in those who betray a sort of regression to sentimental patterns typical of the youth age, where love is made of passion and strong emotions. The relationship with a new partner is desired as it does not present quarrels, everyday life, the typical concerns of a relationship that has lasted for several years. However, over time, a strong state of anxiety may arise due to the difficulty of reconciling times and places to devote to two different relationships.

So those who have acted betrayal can warn a sense of liberation for the discovery and/or feelings of guilt that lead him to avoid telling details concerning the event, thus implementing a sort of caution towards the partner, trying to avoid inflicting further suffering. All attempts to justify the attacks only contribute to increasing the anguish and anger of the wounded person.

All this occurs because, who has suffered the betrayal, live within the paradox “tell me all the truth, but I don’t believe you!”, That is, on the one hand I feel they want to know the details of the betrayal and on the other he feels he has lost confidence, as the other is now identified as a liar who is lying or that is not telling the whole truth.

The betrayal represents in most cases, the consequence of a relationship that had not been working for some time. Often betrayal is the outcome of an intimacy or a neglected affectivity; of a point more towards the family or the work than on the couple; of a relational routine and communication problems.

The factors capable of contributing to betrayal are different and depend on the history of the couple, on the ability to solve the problems, on the phase of life that is going through. Below are a series of elements that can, in the long run, create fertile ground for a betrayal:

– the avoidance of conflicts in the belief that they can damage the relationship. The inability to engage in effective interactions to solve problems within the relationship leaves many personal and relational needs unsatisfied, leading to an ever greater frustration and a need to seek solutions outside the relationship itself.

– The lack of sharing and complicity in the couple.

– dissatisfaction in the context of sexual life which is experienced as not very rewarding or absent.

– the absence of boundaries that preserve the couple from external influences (friendly or family).

– the absence of specific spaces and moments that belong only to the couple.

– Store the myth of the wedding and the ideal family. Marriage is held together by believing in the family, rather than by strong emotional ties between the spouses.

– the changes or personal transitions of a certain thickness such as the birth of a child; sudden success or failure; A more demanding or prestigious work, or on the contrary one of minor prestige, the death of a parent or another important person; Other stressful events of life, such as a serious family in the family (or spouse), economic difficulties, loss of work, etc. During these transitions, a greater need for emotional, physical and/or sexual support is experienced, although some spouses react in the opposite way, requesting an emotional detachment from the companion/ao by the entire family. An extramarital relationship can make up for both of these needs.

After the betrayal took place an important step is the revelation of the same: there may be a spontaneous revelation by those who have betrayed or, much more frequent the bitter discovery by those who have been betrayed. Unlike when the discovery of the betrayal is preceded by suspicions and, consequently, by a sort of psychological “preparation” to the news, the sudden deception is accompanied by a crushing of the perception of the self. At this moment the communication becomes extremely difficult, the other is perceived as a stranger and the wound is mainly due to the feeling that the basic premises on which a relationship is founded.

Discovering the infidelity of one’s partner can be psychologically and physically devastating. In the United States, some psychologists speak of “Post infidelity stress disorder”, tracing a parallel with the “post -traumatic stress disorder”; These two forms of stress share some symptoms among them.

First of all, those who suffer from a betrayal finds relive the trauma. When the betrayal is discovered, we cannot help but think about it continuously, we remember events, episodes and we relive the fateful moment of the discovery. A state of apathy may emerge, difficulty concentration and sleep loss.

Apatia intervenes with the function of slowing down a very painful socket. The trauma prevents us from dedicating itself to other activities and if it is very intense, there is an insulation behavior. Dreams are agitated and usually develop the theme of betrayal.

The betrayed spouse can experience a swing of feelings and emotions, such as, jealousy, obsessive thoughts and distrust, depression, crying, temporary disorders of food and even impulsive acts of self -destruction or, in some cases, directed towards the other.

It would therefore be desirable to follow some indications after the discovery of a betrayal. Specifically it is useful:

  • Stop, as much as possible, not to ask, since it is not believed to how much the other will say.
  • Do not refuse the pain that must instead be accepted, before being processed and overcome. It is functional, in these cases, try to write, perhaps through the use of a diary, what is pain, anger and other emotions that are being felt.
  • Talking about what was wrong: for a constructive communication, those who have betrayed, should try to focus the discussion on the real problem that led to betrayal, taking on the responsibility of the fact and while trying to bring out the real reasons.
  • It is important to look for empathic and support people to talk to.
  • Acquiring a new point of view: to solve the problem it is useful to exit the role of victim-cornefice. Thinking in continuation that trust has been lost and that it can no longer be as before, it contributes to blaming the relational crisis only to one of the partners and does not solve the problem, but on the contrary it worsens it. Instead, a new point of view will have to be acquired and be willing to start again taking on each one, their responsibilities. The couple relationship is a job that requires commitment from both.
  • Let yourself go to the desire to be with the other. In the event that the partner, however guilty of a betrayal, invites us to spaces for the couple, as far as we feel angry with the other, if we want, it is useful to allow them. In fact, it is necessary to find spaces of intimacy and well -being in the couple. Obviously it is necessary that they do not become an opportunity to vent the faults of the betrayal.
  • Do not make hasty decisions: it is advisable to make time to be able to consciously choose whether to continue or interrupt the relationship, rather than act of impulse and make decisions of which one could repent later.

They inevitably establish circles, purify of actions and reactions that should be faced in therapy.

It is useful that new rules and stopping points are fixed on the relationship and needs of each member of the couple, trying to be as concrete as possible. For example, “I would like me to help me more at home”, “I would like us to dedicate a greater space to the couple”, etc.

A careful exploration of what was done by both spouses immediately after the discovery of betrayal further helps to recognize the factors that contribute to the intensity of the crisis and predict ineffective or harmful behaviors and possible difficulties during therapy.

The emergence of the betrayal brings to the surface thematic left pending for a long time and which concern the most complex areas of the couple relationship, such as communication, complicity, mutual support, sexual and emotional intimacy and the ability to protect the couple from external interference.

It is necessary to understand the different facets of the extramarital relationship and their meaning for the individual and marriage, so that the event turns into an opportunity for mutual development and growth. The crisis relating to the extramarital relationship can become an evolutionary opportunity for the couple to feel involved in the emotional world of the other/or to reconstruct the marital relationship on new bases, in order to allow both spouses to develop and satisfy their needs appropriately.

In cases where you cannot get out of the dysfunctional dynamic, it may be useful to try to turn to a professional outside the couple, able to mediate between the two and whose intervention will aim to bring out the real reasons that led to betray the partner; Therapy can include couple sessions and individual sessions.

The couple’s first commitment in therapy must be to take responsibility for their actions and to recognize the effect that these actions have had, have and will have on the spouse or on other people in the family or social circle. From the moment the couples begin therapy, it is important to frame the extramarital relationship as the light of some important individual or couple problems. Even the forgiveness of a betrayal requires its elaboration, like a mourning.

The support of a psychotherapist can help both members of the couple, where individuals show their will to return together and recover the relationship. The psychotherapist will also be able to work individually on the individual who has undergone betrayal in order to support him in the elaboration of the experiences of anger and pain and in the development of functional strategies to overcoming the moment of crisis.

The objective of couple therapy following a betrayal is precisely to restore, among the spouses, an authentic communication, which allows to express what it no longer works within the relationship without this implies an irreparable and unsustainable fracture. It is the therapeutic context itself to guarantee both a space for re -elaboration of their experiences, both individual and conjugally.

Following a betrayal, the relationship can therefore be recovered by undergoing a couple therapy that can help the two partners in a constructive communication, which leads them to externalize their dissatisfactions to the other before silence creates more difficult problems to face.

The newfound authenticity will therefore allow you to decide whether and on which basis the relationship of the couple.

Kyle Muller
About the author
Dr. Kyle Muller
Dr. Kyle Mueller is a Research Analyst at the Harris County Juvenile Probation Department in Houston, Texas. He earned his Ph.D. in Criminal Justice from Texas State University in 2019, where his dissertation was supervised by Dr. Scott Bowman. Dr. Mueller's research focuses on juvenile justice policies and evidence-based interventions aimed at reducing recidivism among youth offenders. His work has been instrumental in shaping data-driven strategies within the juvenile justice system, emphasizing rehabilitation and community engagement.
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