With the mechanism of the “prizes” the child obeys only to please the adult or have something in return and does not develop self -discipline, since he is removed the possibility of responsible for his behavior
“If you do the good I buy you a toy”; “If you eat everything you can see the cartoons”; “If you finish the tasks you will have candy.” To ensure that the child behaves in the desired way, the adult often promises him in return. Parents, grandparents, teachers … everyone will have happened at least once to try this system, used above all in those situations where the little one struggles to “obey”.
Unlike punishment, the prize seems to be, at first glance, a positive incentive, which does not damage the child or the educational relationship. But is it always like that?
“I do” so “I get”
Luca does not want to tidy up his games. “If I systems I will give you the chocolate pudding,” his dad says. The baby is very greedy, and here in a few minutes in his room every game returns to his place. Through the prize, Luca’s father obtained his purpose (momentarily). But what will his son learn? “If I do what the big ones want, I get something in return,” is what the child thinks. It is therefore clear that his is a manipulated behavior, an action that does not come freely from the child’s soul: Luca has not understood why it is necessary and useful to reorder, but it does so only to obtain the reward. The prize therefore influenced only his external behavior, and this means that the situation will probably repeat himself: Luca will continue not to tidy up or could ask for a reward to do it.
Respect the child’s personality
Use prizes to condition the behavior, in addition to being little respectful of the child’s personality and will, does not allow the development of self -discipline Because it denies the possibility of being responsible for one’s behavior. In addition, in the long run, this system becomes counterproductive also for the adult and for the educational relationship. The prize, in fact, is a very risky tool of power, which can change the relationship of blackmail; A concept summarized in the phrase “I give you if you give me”.
As many will have experienced, The more you use the premium system and the more complicated the situation: The whims appear, the nervousness accumulates, the child becomes more and more unmanageable “. The child too rewarded is actually frustrated, because he cannot freely express his will, and can become a “tyrant” because he understands that he can manage the behavior of the greats who deal with him by pleased them. As Paolo Roccato wrote on the pages of Uppa: “Few things are as distressing for a child as the finding that the adult he is entrusted to a kind of fragile puppet in his power”.
And the votes at school?
Often we are used to thinking that promising rewards is a good way to motivate the child towards a certain activity. For example, our school system is based on this idea, in which The vote represents the prize (or punishment) for the pupil. In reality, several studies underline what the British define Overjustification Effect (in Italian “excessive justification effect”), that is, that the addition of an extrinsic motivation (one prize), to an activity for which we are already intrinsically motivated, reduces the strength of the motivation. In the case of the school, the internal motivation is represented by that wonderful thirst for knowledge that belongs to the human being from birth. Instead, the deep interests of a child towards things in the world (his desire to explore, experiment, know) risk “turning off” when the baby enters to be part of the school system, where he often reduces to study only to get a good vote.
Offer opportunities
When we do something because we like it, we are interested, we are passionate about it, we are intrinsically motivated, and this already spurs us to do things best and willingly. The same happens in the child, ed It is therefore important that the adult offers him the opportunity to develop his interests and exercise his willeven when the latter does not coincide with his own.
Let’s resume the example previously. In order for our Luca to reorder, and therefore to give value to things, take care of it, act independently and competently in space, and so on, a gradual path is necessary: from the observation, already in the first years of life, of the parent who puts things in place (and which therefore gives the good example) to the gradual involvement (“do we do it together?”), Until the achievement of one’s autonomy in carrying out the action. Following this path it may happen that a few days Luca’s room is not in order, and in these cases it will be important to let this happen without intervening, so that the child can notice the consequences of his actions; It will happen when he will say, for example, “I no longer find my car” or “I no longer have space to move”.
Live together the “no”
Let’s make another example: Luca has a lot of fun going to kindergarten, but for some time he has protested in the morning because he doesn’t want to leave the house. We can try to convince him by promising him a package of stickers to the exit from school or take the time necessary to understand what is behind that protest, observing him and trying to understand his needs. Also live together with the child “difficult” emotions – such as moments of anger, sadness, jealousy, frustration for a “no” – is important for growth and for the educational relationship, rather than “sitting” the manifestations that irritate or frighten us (“I give you the candy so you stop crying”). Using prizes, as well as punishment, may seem like a simple and fast shortcut, but in reality it approaches more to the idea of teaching (the famous “stick and carrot”) than to educate.
How to gratify and encourage
What expressed so far is an invitation to understand that using prizes to modify the child’s behavior does not have much success much and implies educational risks. This does not mean that Other ways can be found to gratify or encourage the baby in some circumstancesfor example when he has faced or has to face a difficult and demanding task. A gesture of love, a gift, or better still a special experience to be lived together, offered by adults in a spontaneous way and not to condition the child’s will, transmit greater self -confidence to the child and, soliciting attention and empathic communication with “the other”, strengthen and feed the bond with the adult.
