Many of the so -called regressions are actually the search for a more suitable balance for a new moment in the life of the child. It is important to accept the unpredictability of his growth path, allowing him to proceed in his own way and making himself available to help him
Did you notice it? We live immersed in a linear world, where everything moves “towards” something. The space is linear: when we move, we do it towards a destination. Time also appears to us linear; Physics tell us that it is not, but it is not easy to grasp this concept. In fact, what we experience is that there are a before and after, one “yesterday” and a “tomorrow”.
We speak of evolution of the species, of progress of science, and we end up being convinced that this Which comes after it is necessarily better than it came before, and that going back is something negative. Is this really the case?
“What happened?”
Parents are continually waiting for a “after”: The future is the most used time in their speeches on children. “When it is born; when he will say the first words; when it will walk; when it goes to school; When he learns to read. When it is great … »
Talking about the progress of the child makes proud: «You know that Martino has Already Started to walk alone? “; “You know Laura reads Already the signs? ». But what happens if the child does not only take steps forward?
“He had started using the potter, then who knows what happened, but he wants the diaper again …”; “He had slept quiet in his bedroom for three months; Now, we don’t know why, he no longer wants to stay there, he sleeps only in Latvian ».
“What happened?” And “Who knows why?” These are the questions that parents ask when a child seems to interrupt the normal path that provides for a continuous “more” – new conquests, new goals – and “go back”.
These are questions that are taken for granted that that go back is anomalous and negativeand that there must be a cause that prevented the natural forward process, the only good and acceptable.
Conquests and settlement
The world in which a child grows does not correspond to this simplification: it is a complex world, which transmits stimuli and requests, sensations and emotions, signals not always easy to understand, which intrigues him and at the same time worries him. His body is also complex; suddenly acquires new skills that open up new exciting possibilities: walking, reaching objects, talking, making things happen with words happen (how to get something by appointing it).
We are not used to thinking that each of these conquests, each of these “forward” changes that fill us with pride, requires a new setting of the child in the complex world in which it is inserted. And sometimes, the settlement involves one or two steps back.
The family as a system
Let’s try to imagine the family as a system. This little usual term indicates that the people who are part of it do not limit themselves to sharing spaces and times of life, but are linked by very particular relationships. If an element of the family changes somehow (in behaviors, in requests …), it produces changes in all others. What changes produce, however, cannot know anyone: each system reacts differently to the changes of the people who are part of it.
Martino who “already walks alone”, for example, can be encouraged and facilitated in his motor adventures (and misadventures) if parents and grandparents do not fear any bruises and birnoccoli, if they do not make them constant requests to “be careful”, do not go away, do not touch, fall; If his conquered independence, in short, does not cause anxiety and concern in them.
The search for new balances
Are we stating that if the parents are anxious, could Martino slow down in his development, and even go back compared to progress in walking alone?
Fortunately, this is not the case, and this is the wonderful characteristic of human systems: they are living systems, composed of beings that react in different and unpredictable ways. In response to the worried recommendations of the parents, Martino could become more cautious, perhaps returning “for safety” to crawl for a while, but he could also learn to get around the anxieties of adults by reserving his most daring adventures for the moments in which he is sure he is not seen.
The whole period of the growth of a child is a succession of changes, reactions to those changes, search for a new balance that “goes well” for the child and for the family. Many of the so -called regressions can be seen as the search for a more suitable balance to a new moment in the life of the child.
What are the “steps back” for
For example, let’s think of those kids who have the reputation of “model students”: scholars, intelligent, committed, praised by parents and teachers. What happens if their performance falls? If they don’t care about the image that everyone liked so much?
Generally, we try – almost always without success – to find the “cause” of that change; Instead, we are not used to asking ourselves “what can be used for” At that child, at that moment, to afford to be a little less good at school: perhaps to free mental space and energy for new tasks and new life objectives. Perhaps only to leave behind an too demanding image in which it is no longer recognized.
Even a child who no longer wants to sleep alone, who starts again to suck his finger, who loses the skills he had acquired can be seen as a child grappling with the search for a more suitable balance to that moment of his growth. How can we help him?
The unpredictability of growth
First of all, it is better to prevent the attention of the whole family from focusing on that “problem” and on the search for the best causes or solutions to overcome it as soon as possible; At the same time, the change should not be ignored. You can talk about it serenely with the child, as something that is happening, but without negative judgments: “We realize that the school interests you less in this period”; “You need your finger to sleep again and when you’re sad.” In addition, you can reflect on other changes in progress: new interests, new requests, new ways of relating to brothers or adults.
All this can be used to realize that growth is made up of many changes that we often do not notice, while we focus on those that seem to pass back. And to take note that there is nothing that parents can do, if not accept the unpredictability of their child’s growth pathallowing him to proceed in his own way, with leaps forward, stops and steps back, ensuring a careful look and the willingness to help him, but without forcing his step: When you are looking for balance, abrupt movements are not helpful.
