Growing autonomous and serene children means abandoning authoritarian educational methods, or too permissive, and instead focusing on needs and feelings
Often the expression “educating with empathy” generates a misunderstanding, as if an empathic education corresponded basically to not giving limits, or children did everything they want while adults always say yes. “Empathy” means being in connection with oneself and with others and an empathic relationship works in the two senses: I listen and the other does the same with me.
The fundamental aspect of pedagogy based on empathy is that it is not based on power: “I win and you lose” or vice versa. Similar authoritarian or permissive educational methods have been widely studied and it is documented that hinders the growth of an autonomous and serene person. Empathetic education creates that fertile environment, that welcoming climate, that listening space in which all the skills of people in relationship can sprout, grow and give fruit.
“But how do you do it in practice?” Ask me in themed meetings that I often do in Milan. So here are some reflections that can help to better understand the concept of the limit and some useful measures to learn to respect it.
The effects of our actions
The limits are natural elements of our life: when you cross the path you know that it is useful to you to look at not to be invested; When tasting a book you know that if you tear the pages then it will be more difficult for you to remember the story, and so on. These are the natural effects of our actions and it is life that teach us what consequences our acting entails. The natural effect of our actions is an important cornerstone in the growth of people towards autonomy. Maria Montessori wrote: “Whoever served instead of being helped, in a certain way is injured in his independence”. This means that, even with the best intentions, Serve or overprotone their children to do in their place or to remedy small or great adversities that meet in life does not help personal growth nor facilitates the assumption of their responsibility. It may seem a little frightening for some parents, but sometimes it is more useful, instead of intervening immediately, let our children get dirty and give them time to ask us to help them clean, let them fight to find solutions, that they hurt the tasks and then discover that the error is not such a terrible thing, because it simply indicates the path on which you have to work, which are dressing with the colors not coordinated but alone based on their taste.
Know the evolutionary stages of the child
Relationships are not something static: they are subject to growth and a development that follows their own rhythms, and for this reason it is important to know the psychophysical and intellectual development of a child. Some mothers of children around 14-15 months may be frightened by not being able to give limits. In reality, if we observe a 15 month old child, we note that it is still unable to understand what the limit is. For example, when you say to a child of that age not to touch the garbage basket, he can repeat aloud: “No”, then do “no” with the finger and touch the garbage with a nice smile. The interpretations of this behavior, however much they can arouse concern, are often completely misleading: “He doesn’t want to listen to me”; “He is a stubborn child.” According to this reading, the problem is that there is something wrong with the child. Or: “I am not able to make myself respect”; “I am growing up a spoiled child.” In this case the problem is of the mother. Comments of this kind can feed the doubts of the parents: “By now your child does what he wants, if he goes on like this you will not be able to educate it”. In this case, the problem lies in bad habits, which promise a complicated future.
These interpretations to the behavior of the child are without an important fact: respect for its evolutionary stages. When we say: «No! Do not put your hands in the basket »to a child around 15 months, he simply does not understand the verbal meaning. Think about how difficult it is for him to be able to understand, first, the action of getting his hands in the basket, and then denying it. It is a rather complex mental process for a child of that age. Even if it can guess the tone of our voice, it probably feels stronger the push towards discovery, curiosity and game.
Observe without judging
Whenever we judge ourselves as incapable or the child as capricious or stubborn we compromise our or others self -esteem, where “self -esteem does not mean having a good opinion of himself in the abstract, but the ability to cope with the challenges of life”, as stated by the psychoanalyst and psychotherapist Sue Gerhardt. When this sense of helplessness or anger assails us too often, it is time to stop and ask ourselves if there is a good reason why the other does not do what we would like. By offering new readings and correct information on evolutionary development, pedagogy can return the educational power to conscious and attentive parents in making requests suitable for the age of children. I am convinced that our children love us and feel many more things than they manage to express, they are closer to nature and their emotional feeling than adults are. If we find a way to communicate empathy with ourselves and with our children we can focus on observing our children without judging them. This will create that climate of respect for the evolutionary stages of our children and young people.
Be aware of the needs and feelings
Even more important is to be able to recognize why such a thing or behavior gives us joy or boredom. If our child’s behavior nervous us, we are probably not able to satisfy our need, which could be that of peace. Starting from this awareness, another scenario opens, in which we avoid saying to our son what he is or is not, what he must or should not do, and rather to say to say “I feel so”. I say to the child what I need and what I concretely want him to do.
The limits are numerous. Some are very important to the health of the child and his safety: for example I take the hand of my small son to cross the road or I intervene immediately when I feel some danger. In other cases, however, you can take time to think about a way in which our needs and those of our child can both be satisfied.
The positive power of the “no”
We can ask our son what we want him to do, with respect and trust, and remain open to a “no” as an answer. Behind every “no” that the son or parent expresses there is always a “yes”. We answer no when we are saying yes to something else. For example, I say “no” to my son when he asks me to play with him because I am saying “yes” to my need for peace and to my feeling tired, but this does not exclude that he cannot play with him later. A child begins to play instead of washing his teeth because at that moment he is saying yes to his need for autonomy or game: being aware of all this helps us to understand where our “no” are rooted.
The “no” is almost never the end of a conversation, but it can become its beginning; Before labeling the other as wrong because he is communicating his “no” to us, let’s try to find out what he is saying “yes”. So it will be easier to find an agreement point in which the needs of both are satisfied. In the case of washing the teeth, the parent could say to the son: “Giorgino, I see that you like to play with the toothbrush”.
Understanding and listening
Taking an interest in what the child is doing and giving empathy and respect for what he feels and does not mean approving that he does not tear his teeth, but in this way we show interest in his perspective and his way of seeing things.
In this regard, the psychologist MB Rosenberg explains: «Giving empathy does not mean approving or consolidating behavior. Indeed, the more we want to influence someone to change behavior, the more empathy we give them ». The next step will be to express ourselves in a mode that does not harm anyone’s self -esteem. For example, we could say: “What do you say, Giorgino, if now I wash my teeth and yours?”. A child included and listened to is a child open to the relationship and listening to the parent.
Learn to distinguish the other from itself
Often our judgments on the other lead us to give ultimatum – “if you don’t teet your teeth within five minutes you will not pass it smoothly!” -, or to use emotional blackmail – “Mother no longer loves you” -, recrimination and accusation – “you are an annoying child” -, the insistence – “Washed your teeth, come on, strength” and wanting to be right – “I told you to take stock and that’s it!”. All these strategies, used continuously and perseverance, damage human relationships, because they are ways of controlling others. On these occasions we judge others as a function of what is right for us without listening. We close ourselves to the other.
Parents and children who want to feed an empathic relationship, rely on a type of connection in which they recognize that the other is distinct from themselves and are aware that No child came to the world to satisfy the needs of a parent, just as no parent can humanly satisfy all the needs of a child. The most honest thing that each of us can do is to remain in touch with the universal needs of relationship and love that parents and children share and trust in the existence of a way, a way, so that they are both satisfied. When two human beings are related, it is as if one said to the other: “I understood how you feel and choose to answer what you ask me”. The limit is respected on the solid foundations of the empathic relationship.
Cultivate the relationship
Without a relationship there is no profound respect for our interlocutor, but we are driven to perform what the other asks us not by choice, but because we feel obliged by fear, shame or guilt. Before embarking on any form of coercion on our children, let’s ask ourselves then on what basis we want that respect the limits: why do we demand it or why have they understood the meaning of the limit? Why do they feel respect for the relationship or why are they afraid, shame or do they feel guilt? Whenever I pretend that my son does what I want, implicitly check greater value to me than the other person. What prevents us from expressing ourselves in a positive way, avoiding to demand? For example, instead of saying: «You are really disordered, you never reorganize your room! Get it up immediately! “, We could say:” When I see your games scattered around the room, I feel tired of the idea of putting everything back in order. Can you help me tidy up your room, putting all the games in the basket? ». The latter sentence is closer to a request that expresses feelings and not judgments on the other person.
Give more value to the questions than to the answers
If we are about to express an accusation or a claim, let’s stop to reflect and ask ourselves what our need is. What is the implicit desire? Can we give it a voice? Can we deal with it directly? Who is the problem? Our or our son? Can we leave our children the opportunity to commit mistakes and take large or small responsibilities compared to themselves according to their age? Can we give them the opportunity to make experiences by taking responsibility for what is happening?
We can also choose to be uncertain, to give us time to think, to live with some question. The more we are certain, the more we are closed to other possibilities.
We can choose to be on the side of the possibilities, of creative solutions, to ask ourselves more questions. The questions lighten us, they give us the opportunity to imagine; To imagine a relationship where I do not necessarily have to be right, but in which I choose to listen, to be open to the other, to more solutions in compliance with my and the limits and the mutual empathic relationship.
