Evolutionary origins of the fear of remaining alone
For evolutionary reasons related to survival, Human beings fear being refused and removed by remaining alone. The motivation behind these behaviors is that, at the time of our ancestors, to maintain affiliatory links of mutual protection and collaboration with their social group was fundamental for the survival of the individual and the species. Finish to be excluded and removed was a concrete risk for one’s life!
Our brain has therefore evolved by identifying as a serious threat the possibility of being rejected, marginalized, forgotten and therefore remaining alone. The signals of stress to separation and motivation for reunification are the main ways in which this evolutionary strategy is expressed.
The fact of being with others and creating connections to avoid exclusion has therefore acquired vital importance. The man must be able to create relationships, to be part of a group and must not undergo a removal. Staying alone frightens a lot, by nature.
Feeling of solitude and social isolation
It therefore seems that the feeling of solitude is the individual to remedy any sensations of disconnection and exclusion. These are potentially harmful. But with the evolution of the species the sense of loneliness He also took on other and multiple meanings.
It is in fact a subjective feeling, characterized by emotional and cognitive aspects, which allows us to attribute meaning to experience. Evaluating our relationships or having convictions about them We can not feel alone even if isolated or, on the contrary, feel alone in the crowd.
Therefore, loneliness has been recognized to be more influenced by subjective parameters. This sometimes makes relationships with others qualitatively scarce such as: relational difficulties, conflict of couple and lack of intimacy, disappointment for one’s living conditions.
If, based on what has been said, feeling alone is a subjective moodisolation has a more objective value. It is quantifiable, for example with the number of social contacts you have or the distance from family or friends.
But the two constructs have a bidirectional relationship as they can influence each other. A person can feel alone after moving away from a group of friends, but his predisposition to feel alone, even in the presence of the group, can negatively affect relationships and make separation as much as possible.
The fear of solitude is self -commissioned
Given these premises on the relationship between solitude and isolation, it is therefore possible to imagine that there may be a sort of “Prophecy that self -brought“With regard to the subjective perception of solitude.
Those who are most predisposed to the sense of solitude will also have greater attention to social threats. He identifies the danger in relationships more likely, has greater negative expectations in interactions with others and has a selective memory for the episodes in which he felt only or excluded. As if he looked at the world through the subjective lens of his fear of remaining alone.
These predispositions are unaware and will lead to dysfunctional behavior in relationships with others. These in turn will respond negatively to the unfortunate attempts of connection that the person puts in place. The result will be the confirmation of being alone, with increase in anxiety, depression, decrease in self -esteem in a self -employed vicious circle.
Origins of fear of remaining alone and solitude
But why do some people feel connected even if isolated and others feel only among so many people?
As often happens in psychology and psychopathology, the factors that determine a mental state, emotions and self -perceptions are manifold. It is now clear that, even if there are innate, genetic provisions, the interpersonal experiences They play a predominant role, influencing a possible innate disposition.
We now know that the exchange of care with the reference figures is the first context in which the opportunity to experience with the other presents itself. Family environments characterized by emotional deprivation, abuse, manipulations by the caregiver, abandonment or messages of not going well as a person, can lead the child to structure ideas/schemes of themselves as not lovable, of non -value, different from the others.
These schemes, of which we are often not aware, could be the basis of the Fear of feeling alone as adults. This aspect would be too threatening as it would re -emerge the painful emotions experienced during childhood.
How to deal with the fear of being alone
First of all, it is useful to ask what the last fear of the fear of remaining alone: “If I stayed only then then does it mean that nobody loves me?”, “If I stayed only I would not know what to do or how to move around the world?”, “If I remained only does it mean that I am not good as a person?”.
Secondly, understand if there are real living conditions that increase isolation. Which to have little contacts with others, do not have friends or family members to rely on, to then act for the purpose of reduce objective insulation.
Finally, ask yourself if the fear of remaining alone is disabling, how much limits one’s quality of life, social relationships, one’s mood. If the answers to these questions are positive it is useful Ask for help from a professional To understand the origins of this fear and work to take care of yourself.
Take care of excessive fear of remaining alone
Cognitive behavioral psychotherapy and the related third generation approaches (Therapy scheme, Compassion Focused Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy etc.), have the general goal of bringing the person to take care of themselves. This is to satisfy those needs that have been frustrated in childhood (such as being loved, cared for, protected or appreciated).
This process takes place through cognitive, behavioral, experiential techniques and through the therapeutic relationship. This acts from corrective experience and “repair”. In fact, the therapist will be the one from whom to “learn” to accept us as people and love us for what we are.
More specifically these therapies are characterized in some fundamental aspects:
- A careful exploration of childhood and teenage experiences considered to the origin of current psychological problems, so as to allow us to understand why there is this fear of remaining alone.
- The use of emotional/experiential techniques (eg Imagery Rescripting), which allow you to “rewrite” the experiences of the past, through the satisfaction of frustrated needs.
- Centrality of the therapist-patient relationship, considered a fundamental tool for evaluation and change of the person.
- Great attention to the dysfunctional modalities through which the patient has tried not to feel that pain deriving from self -schemes. For example, if remaining alone is intolerable, the person could remain in a violent relationship, make use of substances so as not to feel the pain of remaining alone or isolated, convinced that there may be no hopes.
These therapies tend to pursue the values of the person, who are the effective guide for our actions, to create a rich, full and significant life, while we accept the pain that inevitably accompanies it.
Bibliography
- Marsigli, N., (edited by). Stop to social anxiety. Strategies to face and manage shyness. Erickson, 2018.
- Procacci, M., Semerari, A. (edited by). Social withdrawal. Psychology and clinic. Erickson, 2019.
- Young, Je, Klosko, JS, Weishaar, Me (2018). Therapy scheme. Integrated cognitive-behavioral therapy for personality disorders. Edited by A. Carrozza, N. Marsigli, G. Melli. Erickson, 2018.
