As indicated by Steeves et al. (2001), Col mourning We can refer to the period following the loss, when the effects of this are most felt. Certainly every mourning is different: it represents a subjective experience that is affected by several factors. However, as indicated by Onofri and La Rosa (2015), it is possible to detect “a common background “. There are “Emotional, cognitive and behavioral reactions, which authorize scholars to speak of a ‘biological process’ of mourning identifiable also beyond the anthropological, cultural, social differences”.
Each mourning is therefore characterized by an processing process with different stages. Among the factors that promote the elaboration of many authors (including Stroebe and Shut, 1999; Bowlby, 1980; Adams et al., 2004) they detect the importance of social support perceived. In particular, in terms of the presence of another significant person who can support, help to understand and attribute meaning to what happened. That it can also listen to the painful memories without judgment, to promote the recognition and expression of emotions, provide concrete help in the problems to be faced in the present and in the future (Onofri and La Rosa, 2015).
As much as you might want to do it, it may not be easy to be close to A person who suffered a mourning And he suffers. You can fear to make the other feel worse by activating in him painful emotional states. Or not to be able to manage the pain of the other or to support it adequately. Or to experience ourselves painful emotional states. Or, finally, not to know what to do and how to do it.
In the face of this, How is it possible to help those who have suffered mourning? “Pre -packaged recipes” or indications that can be valid for everyone cannot exist. Each person has his needs, his history and his different way to face suffering and therefore also request the presence of the other. However, we will try to see some general indications together. These are good that they are evaluated and calibrated also on the basis of the characteristics of the relationship with the person who suffered the loss.
First of all, it may be useful to try not to postpone and therefore not wait too much to contact her, whether it is in person, with a call or a message. Postponing could make it more complicated to open a contact later. As we have seen, it is not always easy to do it and it can be tiring. However, this allows you to share your displeasure and make those who have suffered mourning their presence feel.
It is also important to cultivate and maintain this contact over time. Also because, generally, after a first phase of shockit is over the weeks that people who have undergone mourning will contact painful emotional states. Those deriving from the loss and the sense of solitude, for which the presence of another support person can represent important support.
It is then essential to try to create, in the interaction with the other, a space in which it can feel really listened to. It is necessary to promote the expression of each of its emotions and respect the ways it has to do so. A space in which the person who suffered the loss It can share thoughts, memories, emotions, sensations. All this represents an important support for the purposes ofMourning processing. Allow the person to be able to tell the experience of his loss promotes the acceptance process.
In active listening, it can be useful to encourage the other to talk about how it feels. And it is important that even emotions such as anger, guilt, fear, concern, pain and sadness can find space of expression. Thus, it may be useful to use sentences that are centered on the emotional experience of the other (such as, for example, “It must be really terrible for you”, “I can’t imagine how difficult what you’re going through”), rather than on the attribution of meaning we do (such as, for example “I know it’s hard now but you will see that it will pass soon”).
It is important to keep in mind that there is not always something to say, especially in certain situations. And for this it must be accepted that there may also be moments of silence. These, as well as gestures such as a contact with the hand, a hug or caress, can become a precious space for convey presence, proximity and support.
In some moments it may also be useful to share your own loss experience, always being careful not to pass the message that the other is necessarily similar to ours. Each has, in fact, his personal ways and his times of stay in touch and express certain emotions And it is important to respect them. Thus, for example, it is important not to necessarily encourage people to immerse themselves in activities that can distract them or that they are oriented to make them immediately return to the routine daily. Just as it is important to respect methods such as looking at photographs, clothes, objects of the deceased.
And again, if the person cries, it is good not to try to distract it to make it stop: it is normal that it happens and it is an important signal to express what it feels. This applies to any emotion expressed on the other. Pretend nothing, trying to distract or talk about anything else, does not promote the sharing of the loss e It does not help those who have suffered mourning. These modalities can be supported by beliefs relating to the fact that, for example, to speak of the deceased reactivation of painful emotional states and that therefore it is better not to do so. In reality it is not so: the other cannot be protected from the pain of loss.
And if talking about a topic grieving, this pain is still present in the other. It is therefore important to have the opportunity to express it. Moreover, especially over time, no longer hear about their loved one can make the person experience equally unpleasant emotions. Over time, it also becomes more and more important to have a space in order to also remember happy, fun, pleasant, in addition to painful anecdotes. This also promotes processing.
Finally, it can be important offer practical support: For example, proposing for a specific job, such as going to get children at school or keep them with them with them on a certain day. This can be more useful than generic type proposals “If you need to call me”, as the other does not necessarily have sufficient energy and motivation to request help.
It can also help those who have undergone an important loss to offer socialization initiatives, like a dinner together, while always respecting the times of the other. In fact, it is important not to exercise pressure so that you participate. As we have already seen, especially at the beginning, it is essential that the person can move for what are his energies and needs. And we have to respect it.
THE’Mourning processing It is not a linear process. It is important to understand and respect the fact that it will imply moments in which the person will feel better and moments in which he can contact painful emotional states again. However, if several months from the loss, the person has never expressed painful emotions, or if, on the contrary, they are still present significantly low mood, sadness, anger, fault or social retreat, with repercussions on its general functioning, a psychotherapy path it could prove useful.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
- Adams, KB, Sanders S., & Auth A. (2004). Lonelyss and Depression in Independentliving reirementcommunities: Risk and Resilience factors. Aging and Mental Health 8, 6, 475-485.
- Bowlby J. (1980). Attracchio and loss: Sadness and Depression. New York: Basic Books. (Trad. It. Attachment and loss. Vol. 3. Turin: Boringhieri, 1983.
- Onofri, A., & La Rosa, C. (2015). Mourning. Cognitive-evolutionist psychotherapy and EMDR. Rome: Giovanni Fioriti Editore.
- PARKES CM (1972). BERAAVEMENT. Studies of Grief in Adult Life. Penguins Book Ltd, Harmondsworth. (Trad. It.: Mourning. Studies on condolence in adults. Milan: Feltrinelli Editore, 1980)
- Steeves R., Kahn, D., Ropka, Me, & Wise, C. (2001). Ethical considerations in Research with Bereaved Families. Family & Community Health, 23 (4): 75–83.
- Stroebe W., Stroebe M., Abakoukin G., & Schuth H. (1996). The Role of Lonelyss and Social Support in Adjustment to Loss: A Test of Attachment Versus Stress Theory. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70 (6): 1241–9.
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The Dual Process Model of Coping With Bereavement: Rationale and Description. Death Studies, 23, 3, 197-224.
