The promises made to a child can assume different meanings, depending on the context and the intention with which they are pronounced: if some hide a great educational value, others should be avoided because they risk affecting the bond of trust and the credibility of the parent in the eyes of the child
In the daily life of parents often happens to make promises to children: sometimes to reassure them in a situation of discomfort or fear, other times to respond to their request or desire, and other times in an attempt to cope with the so -called whims. But What happens within the educational relationship when we say: “I promise you”? What value does an adult promise have? And that of a child?
Etymologically, the word “promise” translates into “support, put in sight”. He therefore assumes the meaning of announcing his intention to others by giving his word, putting himself into play themselves with respect to a given situation, to which value and importance is given.
The promise is a commitment to which it is answered personally; In fact, a formula used in many ceremonials to celebrate and officially share a commitment in front of the social community. Teaching a child the value of a promise can have great educational importancefor the construction of personal identity, the relationship with the other and the projection of oneself in the future.
The promises of the great
“I promise you that I will not leave you alone, I stay here close to you, I keep you tight, okay?” Says a dad to his child frightened by a bad dream. “I promise you that if you now stop crying and eat everything, buy you that toy you saw on TV,” says a mother to convince the baby to have lunch.
“Mom, dad, are we going to the playground by bike?” “Now it is not possible but we will go tomorrow, promised!” The parents reply to the son’s request. These examples help us understand how A promise made to the child can take different characteristics and meanings, depending on the context and the intention with which he is pronounced. In the first case, Father’s words can have a strong reassuring value for the baby who, to face his fear, needs the parent to exercise its protective function at that moment. The promise then strengthens his father’s message, who tunes into his child’s need. That “I promise you” means “I understand that you are in difficulty and for me it is as important as for you; You can count on me, you will not be alone ».
In the second case, very common, the promise seems to be a way of finding a way out in a thorny situation: the mother’s intent is to convince the child to do something he doesn’t want to do. The promise then becomes a reward, an attempt to make flat and distraction. In addition, it resembles an attempt to bargain the adult with the child, on the same level, as if the mother said: “If you do this for me, I do this for you …”. It would be interesting to ask if, in the case in example, “contracting” on food can be an educational fruit road … will it work? For how many times? What kind of message does he send to the relationship between mom and child, to the link between food and reward?
Risky promises
This kind of promises, which aim to condition the child’s behavior, are educated risky and long to go very fruitful.
They confuse the child on what are the “important” things (such as to deserve a promise) and have as a consequence a relational dynamic that approaches that of mutual blackmail: “If you do the good, I promise you that …”, or, on the child’s side, “I do this if you promise me that I will get what I want”. In this “educational style” we also find the promises-Men: “If you don’t stop it, I promise you that I will slap you!”.
The last example concerns the bond of trust and the credibility of the parent in the eyes of the child. Will the word date on the playground be respected or not the next day? This situation reminds us that sometimes parents promise things to children without thinking about it too much up and it happens that they forget about the commitment taken … but be careful, the children have good memory!
What if I don’t keep it?
The consequence is obvious: Each promise does not maintain the value of promising. The child the next time will tend to no longer believe in the words of the parent and may feel teased or betrayed.
However, we must not think that being a parent means becoming an almost perfect being, who never makes mistakes. In general, then, we should commit to making few but good promises, thus giving importance to the occasions and the reasons why we do it. If then it happens to not be faithful to what has been declared, let’s explain to the children by telling the truth and apologize to them. Returning to the example of the playground, if we cannot go there for an unexpected, we explain to the child why the situation has not allowed him, perhaps adding that we are sorry. If, on the other hand, we forgot about it or we had thrown a promise so much to make him stay quiet, take responsibility for it and we apologize for the mistake. These behaviors will be an example for our son, who will tend to re -propose with others what he learned from dad and mom.
The promises of children
We often ask children to make promises that, mostly, concern changes to their behavior: «Promise me that you will no longer make the brat; Promise me that you will not get the shirt dirty by playing »… and often we get angry because the child cannot respect them. But to what extent are we asking him something that can be achieved for him and who respects his growth needs? The child who says “I promise it, I don’t do it anymore” would sincerely like to support the parent’s request Even when he doesn’t understand her, because he wants mom and dad to be happy with him, he wants to feel loved. However, he will not be able to stop being a child and asking him the impossible, for his age and maturation, means making him feel inadequate and guilty.
Do your best
We can help children, as they grow up, to learn to carry on small personal commitments. Rather than say “promise me not to be a brat”, ask him to commit to doing or not making a certain actionin a precise period of time, trying to explain why. A suitable formula could be to solicit it to “do your best”, always on concrete and short -term goals. “I promise to do my best” is a achievable goal, which puts the final result at the center but the will, commitment and personal characteristics of the child. A motto to remember and use on numerous occasions.
