For the child, he apologize is an opportunity to get in touch with his emotions and those of others: a behavior that the little one learns especially from mom and dad
At the meeting for parents today we talk about rules. Everyone brought his list: “Washing your hands before eating” goes by the greater, together with “do not scream” and “do not bother”. Follow the indications on putting in order and some limit to the vision of cartoons.
In one of the sheets I find it written: “If I am wrong, I apologize.” It seems interesting to me and we begin to talk about it …
What are “good manners”?
We remember that Excuse me It is one of those magical lyrics (so he called them my grandmother), who together with others as “permission?”, “Thanks”, “please”, “please”, “good morning” and “goodnight”, part of the so-called “good manners” were in the past, that is, of those rules-galateo of social life that were given to children in the family and school. The idea of education on which they were based was, at least initially, well far from the principles of today’s pedagogical science; Just think of the manuals of good manners released from the fifteenth century, chock full of notions relating to the conduct in public and the external decoration, the intent of which was to “civilize” the child by suffocating his instincts and conditioning his behaviors.
At this point the question comes naturally: Today it still makes sense to propose some of the good manners who have been handed down over time or are only empty wordsindications of formal behavior and without truly educational content?
The first key to respond lies in the awareness of the parent, who should stop to reflect on his daily actions and ask himself: why do I teach my son certain words and behaviors? Why are they important things for me? I do it to make a good impression? Why do I realize that they are useful for my son in relationships with others? Why do they create a particular climate in the family? And I, I use them?
With this premise, let’s try to find the meaning of the rule “if I am wrong I apologize”, focusing on the educational reflections that will also help us think about other “good manners” to whom we educate our children.
The sense of error
Generally we ask children to apologize when they did, deliberately or not, something wrong, a mistake that involved another person to some extent. “Sorry to the mother” (“You dropped the vase to which she kept so much”), “Sorry to Laura” (“you gave her barrels as you played”).
The meaning we give to the word and the gesture of apologizing is closely linked to our conception of error.
If from parents we consider the error only in a negative sense, if we transmit to our children the message that make a bad thing, a fault, something to be ashamed of and to be repressed, then apologize for a child becomes really difficult. Because it means admitting that you have done a bad thing, living the sense of guilt and making it public, humiliating, ashamed, feeling in defect. A whole series of circumstances from which one would like to escape from adults, let alone as children.
If, on the other hand, we think that the error is naturally part of man’s growth and above all if in our daily life we enhance education as an opportunity to learn and improve, then things change. If our motto is “by making mistakes you learn”, the apology also takes on different meanings: can become a way to get into emotional contact with yourself and with the other (“I’m sorry if I have caused you to evil”); to learn about the boundaries of one’s will and responsibility towards others; To commit yourself to change (“I will try to do otherwise from now on”). The apology can therefore take on a value that goes beyond the individual gesture; It’s not just a way to close an episode, but opens New growth possibilities to the child.
It starts in the family
Of course, the educational meaning of apologizing, as we have described it, can be internalized by the child only if he experiences it concretely in his growth. This occurs primarily in the family and through the parents’ behavior model. As always, let’s start from the example: The child learns a thousand times more from what dad and mom do, rather than from what they say. In this sense, to apologize, as well as the other “good manners”, will be at the beginning for the small child simply a behavior to imitate and the words to be repeated. If these kind words are part of our family relationships, if the parents use them with each other and with the child, then the latter will naturally and effortlessly learn them and the climate, the atmosphere that reigns at home and in the family, will be positively influenced by it.
Giving the example also means knowing how to apologize to our children, when we make mistakes with them in small or great things, when we get angry exaggeratedly, when we exercise our “power” of adults in a bad way or without attention. Apologize to our children does not mean losing authorityOn the contrary, it means buying. It means providing the child with a model of man and woman who is not fake and therefore weak perfection, but of healthy imperfection. Even mom and dad every now and then can make mistakes (the important thing is that in general and in important things they are always a firm and balanced reference), but they know how to recognize their mistake and change their behavior. They are sensitive to the experience and emotions of the other who may have been wounded by their action.
From the habit of awareness
As the child grows up, the magic parolina as a good habit can be transformed into a more conscious act of love towards others.
Certainly a two -year -old boy will have more difficulty understanding the reason for apologizing to a child of five. This for at least two reasons: 1) probably does not even know he has made a mistake; 2) Being for his age very concentrated on himself, he does not always understand that his behavior may have wounded another person.
Many of the actions of the child that for us adults would require excuses, are accidents in which he acts without intention to hurt. The first step at this age is then help him understand the mistake: when the fact happens, it is good to stop to explain calmly and patient what happened and how it can be done differently next time. Let’s take an example: in the kindergarten garden a child runs happy back and forth on the tricycle. In the heat he passes with the wheels on the feet of one of his companion, throwing him on the ground. The parent could place himself like this: «It seems to me that you didn’t notice Luigi while running. You have passed very close to him and the wheels of the tricycle went to him making him fall. Now he cries because he got hurt. How about, can we do something for him? Do you want to tell him you mind? I advise you to use the tricycle in that piece of garden where there is nobody, if you want to run, and to always keep your eyes open … “This will slowly help the child control his actions and get into emotional contact with the other person.
Even when the episodes are to be traced back to a specific will of the child who, clashing with the wishes of the other, acts to impose his will (“I slapped you to take the toy”), The proposal for apologizing must always be used to help the child identify with the other. This empathic competence grows with age but at the same time “trained”. To a four -year -old boy we will certainly be able to ask to imagine how the others can feel in various situations, or what they would need to feel better or how we feel when someone apologizes to us …
Because it is wrong to force a child to apologize
What has been said so far makes us understand how it is useless and counterproductive to oblige a child to apologize if he does not want to do it. Or, even worse, threaten him of a punishment if he does not. For fear of other consequences, in the end he will pronounce the apologies by whispering them with difficulty. With what result? In this situation, the weakness of the adult is highlighted, which sometimes wants to hear that word almost to win the game, to demonstrate that he is the strongest between the two, to know how to bend the will of the son.
The child refuses to apologize why he did not realize the error or does not understand why it is necessary Or again because he has realized very well and he already feels so much guilty that he does not bear further humiliation (as we have seen a little while ago on the conception of the error). It can also be refused because it has entered a dynamic of challenge to power with the parent who has little to do with the episode in question. In any case, it is always better to wait and understand rather than to oblige, remembering that, for the particularly “unbalanced” episodes, sometimes a period of pause and “crooked” is really necessary between the event and the apologies.
How to teach to apologize?
Between three and six years, children are in a critical period as regards the learning of social skills (i.e. all behaviors that allow to participate effectively and constructively in social life). It is possible to show them how to apologize in a practical way, through four steps:
- to mind you
- Ask how to help the other person return to normal or feel better
- offer to change behavior so that the accident does not occur again
- Ask that the apologies be accepted. Sincere apologies should play like this: «I’m very sorry. I didn’t want to run on you. Did you hurt yourself? How can I help you? I will be more careful to where I go. Can you accept my apologies? “
