The relationship with our children is testing by the profound changes due to the health emergency we are experiencing. We do not try to be “perfect” parents, but we welcome and communicate emotions, educating children to respect and empathy
“I wouldn’t want to react like this, but …”: It is frequent that a parent feels guilty For too brusca reaction, a slightly unjust scolded, a request that is perhaps excessive with respect to the age of the child or the situation. Or that struggles to accept to “do not want” to do all those beautiful things that the good parents always and in any case always and in any case, even if they are tired, nervous, exhausted: listen to what the child says, respond to tone, dialogue, understand, welcome … and then read with him, comment on what you see on TV, propose interesting activities, quell the conflicts between brothers.
Let’s face it: even in normal times it is difficult (perhaps impossible?) To maintain this standard of perfection without risking increasing the level of stress that such self -control involves, with the consequent possibility of an uncontrolled explosion.
In times of Coronavirus ignoring their limits or perceiving them as a fault can make the task of “being parents” really too tiring
What do we deal with?
If we reflect on what characterizes this moment of the life of all of us, we realize that they are changes: a completely anomalous amount, unbelieving, unpredictable of changes.
Changes are a beautiful thing only when they show that they are: when they produce positive effects, as close as possible to what we wanted to see happen; When at least in part they are chosen and desired by us.
That’s not what we are experiencing today. If we make a list of everything that has changed – and everyone can complete it based on the specific experience of their family – we realize that For now the various changes have meant the loss of something:
- The rhythms of life have changed
- The division of spaces has changed
- Relations with people external to the family have changed
- The opportunities to do pleasant things have changed, to devote themselves to the activities that are passionate about
- The tasks and requests within the family have changed
And we have lost freedom, autonomy, possibility of choice, contacts, sociability, in too many cases also economic security.
To all this, then, the changes in the emotions we feel are added: hope, which has characterized the first days of comparison with this experience, is slowly replaced by uncertainty, fear, concern; And also from pain and anger, especially for those who have touched more closely by the emergency, because they work in health and social services or because they have family members and friends or dead. A research group is monitoring these emotional changes, which lately tend more and more towards sadness and irritation. Feelings that unite, albeit with different events, adults and children.
Children’s reactions
And here children can become “capricious” (more capricious); seek more attention, reassurance, an exclusive relationship with parents; need company for a time ever longer when falling asleep; Losing autonomy, regressing, using swear words, avoiding commitments, do not accept to carry out the tasks that are assigned to them.
We must admit that, however understandable, these behaviors can be irritatingand that being in contact with similar attitudes without interruption, now after now, day after day, can make it really difficult to tolerate them.
There is another aspect to consider: The interaction between adult and child is a “non -equal” interaction. The awareness that the “great” is us, that a child cannot be said and asking for the same things that are said and wonders an adult, forces a more controlled communication, “adapted” to a different type of relationship. The total or partial loss of relationships between adults – in which our role is not that of father or mother, in which a much richer range of relational “games” is allowed – can cause that sense of dissatisfaction, of frustration, which many warn these days, and significantly influence the mood and availability towards family members.
Authenticity beats perfection ten to zero
“My daughter is continuously stuck,” says the mother of a usually usually autonomous and independent eleven year old. “I should understand it, it’s a difficult moment for everyone, but sometimes it ends up scolding her, I push her away, I tell her to plant it, and then I’m sorry.” Another mom: “My baby begins to be afraid of everything, now he no longer wants to go out even in the courtyard, and I realize that I can not stand it anymore when he does these scenes, I come to scream not to be an idiot, who are already quite in circulation”.
The question, expressed or implied in these stories, is: “Am I a bad parent?”.
Question that leads to others: “How should I be, instead?” Or “What should I do not to react like this?”
These are questions that imply the possibility of asking an impossible, indeed harmful thing: impose ourselves not to feel how we feel. Should we pretend not to be irritated, tired, nervous? Prevent children from realizing it? Deny, if necessary?
There is one thing that I always repeat to parents: Children are not fragile figurines that are unable to bear the shocks of life. Treat them as if they had it subtracts them the opportunity to confront reality, to put all their resources into play, to practice them and develop them to learn to “stay” in a world that is not always and only easy, reassuring, understanding and protective. Parents have the task of not leaving children alone, of supporting them and encouraging them, but not to distance them from reality with layers and layers of protective muffler. They should help them develop empathy, which is the ability to make sense of the behavior of others even when they are not perfect, thus learning to tolerate them.
Share with children a situation full of limitations, in which we are deprived of freedoms that we considered untouchable, can be an opportunity for emotional education, provided of keep authenticity. It can be (we must) speak of the fact that the needs of a person, when the contacts are too tight and prolonged, end up colliding with the needs of the others. That a behavior can be bearable up to a certain point and then no longer be. What can I say “enough, you tired me” is a right, and that everyone must strive to take note of the reactions of others, and learn to modulate their behaviors on the basis of them.
It is better to “enough, you tired me”, just said the irritation appears, than an outburst of nerves when we become “too full”. It is better to demand a moment of pause in which you can isolate yourself from everyone (“guys, I ask you for half an hour of pause: I am not there, I do not see, I don’t feel, I don’t speak; you don’t talk to me. If not sooner or later I bite someone”) rather than getting to a demanding outburst in which all the labors we have had to bear during the day are listed.
The right to be imperfect
Just as there are no perfect children there are not even perfect parents. So we are calm: if sometimes we arrive at the outburst of nerves or the string of claims there is no need to worry. If it does not become the usual style of the relationship with our children, we don’t risk damaging anyone. There are a thousand ways to “resume contacts” after a outburst, and it will also be important to declare the right to imperfection. Each parent will find its own style, from the self -deprecating one to the most affectionate one, to the invention of a ritual of “end of the outburst” that can be shared with the children and which will help them in turn to recover the calm, after a nervous shot or a more heated conflict than usual.
In short, In times of restlessness and fear we try to avoid at least one fear: what if we are not perfect we will damage our children. Recall that life will compare them with imperfect friends, imperfect boyfriends, imperfect colleagues, and also with their own imperfection. If they learn to tolerate it – their own and that of others – they will be more balanced adults.
