I wanted to be a tough
Who does not care about the future
A robot, a soumole fighter
A split on the run from a wolf dog
At the Bolo station
A hen with golden eggs
But they are nobody
(…) I’m nothing more than Lucio
The culture of performance
At the seventy -fifth festival of the Italian song, the singer -songwriter Lucio Corsi presented the song “I wanted to be a tough” in which he faced the antinomy among the unrealistic standards of strength and perfection which celebrates modern society and the real condition of human fragility.
Of the song, the author said: “He talks about the fact that this world would like us infallible, solid like stones and perfect like flowers without telling us that the flowers are hung on a thread”.
More and more often in our studies people arrive who report that they perceive that, despite their commitment and their efforts, they feel that Everything they do never feels quite well. Who confront themselves with ideals of strength and perfection and who feel inadequate, defective, lower. Who perceive that there is something wrong with them.
After all, we live in one society dominated by the culture of performance which celebrates efficiency, speed, result and productivity.
We are bombed every day by messages that require us to be strong, perfect, productive, performing and impeccable. Social media amplify this process by proposing physical (sculpted and perfect), work (bright careers) and relational (“families of the Mulino”) ideals, absolutely distorted.
The error and imperfection are absolutely not contemplated and, if there are, they are signs of inadequacy and weakness. Each job opportunity must be seized at the expense of well -being and quality of life. We are imprisoned in the cage of having to be strong and perfect. At any cost.
What are the severe standards “serve” to? Let’s see it with clinical examples
Luca
Over the childhood Luca has experienced repeated and continued experiences of time derision and made fun of on the part of the peers. His family environment has been characterized, in particular, by a Father absent, critical and devaluing.
These life experiences led him to the development of beliefs of inadequacy (“I am inadequate”) and representations of others as “critics and humiliating”.
So Luca, to go to hyper-duty and his intrinsic perception of inadequacy And in order not to incur the criticism by others, he used a guide strategy aimed at achieving severe standards. G
The high standards to which they adhere in a perfectionistic way are, therefore, strategies aimed at disconnecting the idea of self as “inadequate”.
Clear
Chiara lived in a family climate deprived from an emotional and disabling point of view, focused on criticism and devaluation. In his childhood, he received Estimation and affected by his parents only on a conditioned basis and, therefore, only if it was responding to their needs. Otherwise, refusal and devaluation would have arrived.
Having lived in a family atmosphere in which success was rewarded and enhanced while the failure put love and parental acceptance at risk, learned to focus on its amiability on its adequacy and value.
Thus, Chiara, over time, has developed some Severi standardshe began to work very hard, to prepare excessively and constantly loom to achieve impossible goals.
The high standards to which Curtains need Chiara to feel adequate and, consequently, to be accepted and loved by others.
The function of high standards
If the severe standards are used for Luca, therefore, in order not to feel inadequate, they are used to be welcomed and loved by others.
The Origins of severe standardsas has been highlighted in the aforementioned clinical examples, they are to be traced in the person’s life history. High expectations and excessive criticisms from parents and love conditioned to achieve high standards as well as models of reference figures of severe standards are the basis of incessant efforts in achieving perfection.
But this is not only this: the distorted narrative of our society according to which you have to do everything to achieve perfection; social media in which people show only the best of themselves; constant pressure to perform and to achieve high results at the expense of one’s needs; The message, now not even so implicit, of having to always be strong, perfect and “better”. All these factors contribute to generating a sense of inadequacy by leading people to chase high standards so as not to hear the fear of not being “enough”.
The psychological cost of severe standards
- “At home and in the office, I try to keep everything in perfect order!”
- “I always have to have the best possible aspect!”
- “I have to be the best in the things I do!”
- “I have to do so many things that I never have time to relax!”
- “I am always committed to achieving some goal!”
- “I absolutely don’t have to make mistakes!”
Working incessantly, being perfect parents, having nothing out of place at home, maintaining an impeccable appearance: this continuous tend to perform and achieve unreasonable personal standards and “impossible” objectives as well as the exaggerated concern of making mistakes have significant psychological costs.
Who strives without respite to reach very high standards It sacrifices many aspects of one’s life such as health, emotional and social life, happiness, relaxation, good mood.
Feeling under pressure continuously to chase perfection causes health to suffer from daily stress. Relationships with loved ones are affected since, in this run -up, it remains very little time to spend with them.
All energies are used to reach their standards. Perfectionism thus influences, in addition, also recreational and leisure activities: for them or there is not enough time or they become almost a job as there is also the need to do everything perfectly there.
Life around performance
All the life of those who have severe standards seem rotate around the performance: Thus, over time, contact with the most authentic part of oneself is lost and you cannot even recognize your desires.
Some time is rarely dedicated to savoring pleasure and fun. There is no relaxation or enjoy life. There is no time to do it.
From being clinical perfectionists they can thus derive various problems such as chronic stress, tensive headaches, irritable colon, colitis, insomnia, anxiety, depression, disorders related to physical appearance, eating disorders, sexual disorders, etc.
Towards a new narrative
The severe standards cost a lot to those who seek them at all costs: to demand so much from themselves and undergo continuous pressure makes it impossible to achieve authentic pleasure and leads to the loss of contact with one’s own self.
A psychotherapy path He can help people distance himself from past conditioning and live according to what they want authentically. But, next to this, it is necessary to be a social level towards a new narrative free from the myth of perfection and in which being authentic is celebrated, being able to listen and choose according to one’s needs and to accept the vulnerabilities inherent in each of us.
Need rediscover the value of time and the importance of living according to what really matters and which enriches our existence. Learn be instead of Do. Because true beauty is not to be perfect but being human.
Bibliographic references
- Antony, MM, & Swinson, RP (2018). Nobody is perfect. Strategies to overcome perfectionism. Trento: Erickson.
- Carcione, A., Nicolò, G., & Semerari, A. (2016). Take care of complex cases. Interpersonal metacognitive therapy of personality disorders. Bari-Roma: Laterza publishers.
- Han, BC. (2020). The Society of Tiredness. Milan: night.
- Young, Je, & Klosko, JS (2004). Reinvent your life. Milan: Raffaello Cortina publisher.
