The effect that arise is almost always opposite to what you would like to get. With the punishment method, in fact, children decide to behave solely based on the possible reaction of the adult who could reward them or put them in punishment
What is the effect of an educational system based on prizes and punishments for children? Over time, The risk is that children and parents move awaybecause the baby, in addition to not having freedom of choice, will not take into account the consequences of what he does, but will decide only on the basis of the reaction of the adult. Let’s take an example to better understand.
Children “in pun”
Giulio is 11 years old and today he will not go to football because he took 5 in geography, the parents believe it appropriate to put him in punishment: he will not go to training, so he will have more time to study. But Giulio, to the question “Will you really study more?” He replies: “Why should I? I don’t like geography. And then so much mom and dad always have to laugh and scream, even if I take 6 ». So, Do you really need to put the child in punishment?
Why is parental love turns into a system of prizes and punishments? Let’s try to reflect by observing some situations that typically present themselves during growth.
Respond
In the first months of life the child is totally dependent on his parents who, with great love and dedication, dedicate all their attention to him and support all his requests. Growing up, however, the child discovers his body and tries to impose his will: for example he begins to grab the first objects and to launch them, or to refuse food. At this point it is no longer a matter of dedicating care of him, but of Knowing how to respond to its growth in an educational way by asking for the reason for what she does. Children throw things for several reasons: to hear the noise they do, to see how much they put us to fall, to measure the distances. In these cases, the parent often reacts with a dry “no”, then takes away the object of hand from the child and moves it away from its reach. At this point, the crying begins, perhaps prolonged, with the parent who often resigns and puts the same object or another or another in front of the child to make him feel good. In this way, however, the little one learns that crying can achieve what had been removed from him. Sometimes, however, the parent patiently collects the object and the child interprets this succession of launches-rackets as a fun game to be repeated.
Touch everything
The child has recently started walking and now he is exploring everything that has only been able to see for months. At home there are many objects that attract him and who can finally reach, touch, move … but those objects are sometimes fragile or in any case inadequate for him. The parent then intervenes with a strong “no, that is not touched!” And maybe, after removing the object, he gives him a slap on his hand to teach him that “this is not done”. And here the desperate crying starts immediately. The child cries because the precious object was taken away from him? Why did you see the angry parent? Why are all interesting objects subtracted?
After crying, the child’s reactions can be different: he can persist in trying to take as much as he has been removed (a type of insistence that often ends with a spanking); seek a new occupation, however always keeping an eye on the parent’s reaction; remain firm. Anyway, In none of these, the punishment will serve the child in order to understand why he can or cannot do something.
Punishment and children: the impertinent answers
The child begins to speak quite well, so much so that sometimes he responds in an impertinent way, and often, in the face of this phenomenon, the parents and adults who deal with him laugh amused, amazed by his intelligence in responding “in tone”.
Between 2 and 5 years the child imitates the way of speaking of adults, and if this process does not follow the right transformation, his answers could become rude and inconvenient. The adult suddenly begins to scold the baby heavily, until he resorted to punishment: a slap or a momentary deprivation of freedom, the famous “now go to the corner to reflect” or “go immediately to your room” become panacea for any type of situation. In all this, Faced with any of these punishments, the child does not understand what has changed: Why could he respond in a way that is forbidden today?
The way of answering a child and his language grow with him and must be treated immediatelypaying great attention to our attitude which, let’s remember, will be taken as an example.
Punishments and “no” of children
Here are some of the most classic requests to which children generally respond with those “no” who daily make their parents exacerbate: “Eat the soup”; “Washing your hands”; “Put the games back in order”; “Washed your teeth”; “Put your shoes”; “Let’s go to bed.” And the list can continue for many other activities, with an epilogue that often leads to the loss of patience by the parents and, in some cases, to chastise and/or punishment for the child (a sound scolded or a spanking).
The repercussions on the future
Punishments and punishments affect all the thought of the child, in his attitudes and in his way of dealing with others and things that happen. Fritjof Capra, physical and theoretical systems, writes: “Our responses to the environment are determined not so much by the direct effect of external stimuli on our biological system, as from our past experience, by our expectations, by our intentions and by the individual symbolic interpretation of our experience”.
So, Let’s try to project into the future what will be the effect of punishment and punishments inflicted on children during growth. The situation presented at the beginning, for example, underlines how Giulio is resigned to the attitude of reproaching the parents and does not see any possibility of change.
Alternative roads to punishment and punishments to children
It is true, Many parents have in turn received punishments and punishments from children and, despite this, they grew well and have a normal life. But it is also true what Bertrand Russell supported: “The fact that an opinion is strongly maintained, does not mean that it is not absurd”. That is: if some adults had not received punishments and punishments from children, today they would be different? Would they continue to inflict punishments and punishments also to their children? Even if we have undergone punishment and punishments of children, we can still choose other roads to educate our children; Just document yourself, with the aim of knowing the stages of their growth and their development in the best way to avoid moments of quarrelsome. In his book The absorbent mindMaria Montessori explains that the development of independence and the ability to choose in front of the situations cross three phases:
- From 0 to 2 and a half years the child only occasionally obeys requests, because he is guided by a strong inner impulse that pushes him towards his path of self -construction.
- For 2 and a half years to 5 years the child has a strong and profound desire to obey, but it cannot always or is able to do it.
- After the 5 years the full conquest of self -control and self -discipline takes place: the child is able to do what is asked, both from a physical and emotional point of view; Which, however, does not mean that it will do so.
It is therefore evident that punishing a child under 2 and a half years is useless and above all harmfulbecause it would represent an obstacle to its discovery of oneself and the world. Which does not mean being permissive on anythingbut only that it is necessary to prepare the environment: in this way the child can freely and in complete safety the activities he prefers, while the parent will be more ready to face any development and situation.
Let us remember that a child who is not scolded and to whom slaps and spankings are not given is certainly more serene and develops greater knowledge of himself and the world: he is a more calm child because he has been able to respond to his curiosities without fear; He learned to focus because he is not abruptly interrupted and does not need to continuously agitated to move the limits of adult rules.
Prepare the environment
The alternative to the system made of prizes, punishments and punishments therefore exists and is based, for the little ones, on the preparation of the environment and the observation of their requests.
If the child launches the objects, we can indulge him for a while (in order to consume his curiosity) and then propose a change by attracting his attention to other things in a different point in the room. In this way – that is, providing an alternative to what he is doing – we will avoid the moment of the exhausting tears.
But let’s go back to the child for a moment who learns to walk and grab everything that is within his reach. Preparing the environment, in this case, means replacing the objects not suitable with others that allow them to act in freedom and security. For example, replace ceramic figurines with containers full of springs or balls or spoons gives the child the opportunity to act independently, to touch, to try to move and move things. The parent, in doing so, is not forced to intervene continuously and promotes a climate of peaceful growth, without the need for constant control over the baby.
Logical and natural consequences
When the child approaches an activity it is necessary not only to show him “how to do it” but also what must be avoided in order not to incur wrong situations. If then the child does exactly what should not be done, The adult will have to explain to him what the consequences of his action are keeping a neutral attitude, which does not transpire reproach or judgmentplacing himself gently and making him feel loved, accepted. In this way the child will feel listened to and welcomed, he will tend not to scream and listen, he will learn to make responsible decisions not to avoid a punishment or to satisfy adults, but because he will know the impact of his actions; In short, he will have the opportunity to learn from the natural order of things. It is a good system to show that all choices have an impact, on themselves and others, but in order to really be effective, the child must be able to see the connection between the action he makes and its logical and natural consequences.
