What does it affect in a potential partner? What characteristics do individuals fascinate? What drives people to entertain relationships that prove to be invariably similar?
Literature on the theme of courtship and physical attraction is wide (Buss, 2016). In this article we will face some of the psychological factors that influence the choice of partners And sometimes, they trap individuals in dysfunctional relationships.
Attraction is a theme that is placed at the limits of awareness involving cognitive, emotional and somatic processes.
The style of attachment
Literature has long been indicated that the emotional bond built with the attachment figures during childhood is used by the human mind as a prototype for intimate relationships in adulthood (Bowlby, 1969, 1973, 1980; Feeney & Noller, 1990).
Unwittingly, the mind records in the implicit memory of information with respect to the characteristics of the relationship, the roles and expectations with respect to the behavior of the other. Overall this information is defined “attachment style“.
For example, a child who receives stable care and care and which is provided with protection and encouragement from the adult is likely that he will internalize an idea of himself as a positive and an idea of the relationship with the other as a stable and safe. In adulthood, therefore, it will have a good perception of self and will be oriented to build balanced and satisfactory relationships.
Otherwise a child who grew up in an atmosphere of criticism or characterized by indifference to his needs will have difficulty representing intimate relationships as sure. Here, in the absence of reparative experiences, will have difficulty managing both episodes of abandonment that of relational proximity.
Types of attachment style
According to Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) there are four types of adult attachment style: sure, anxious, avoidance and fearful. Each of these styles is characterized by a particular representation of self and the other within the relationship.
Safe – It is easy for the person to be emotionally close to the partner. He finds himself at ease in depending on the partner and in the possibility that the partner depends on him. He believes that the partner accepts it for what it is and that it will be present at the time of need.
Anxious – For the person it is essential to be in total intimacy/sharing with the partner, but often he feels that he/she is reluctant to be intimate as he would like. Try discomfort if he does not feel emotionally close to the partner and often has the doubt that the partner does not keep to her as much as the person cares about him/her.
Preventing – The person is at ease without a close and intimate relationship with the partner. It is very important for her to feel independent and autonomous. He prefers not to depend on the partner or that he/she depends on her.
Fearful – The person is uncomfortable when he feels emotionally intimate with his partner. He would like an intimate relationship with him/her, but he finds difficult to trust him/her. It is worried that the partner can injure it if he should enter into relational intimacy.
The Imago Theory
Among the first theories to be interested in psychological factors, including the attachment style, which influence the choice of a partner was the so -called Imago Theory in the 1980s. This was developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen Lakelly (1980).
This theory starts from observation, already noticed by Freud, that individuals do not interact directly with the partner, but with his mental representation. It is a summary of real characteristics of the partner united to internal content of the person projected on the other.
According to Hendrix (1980), when the caregiver cannot systematically satisfy the basic needs of the child, of which the primary is the emotional connection, “wounds” are generated. The person will bring them with him in adult life and who will manage repressing or denying their suffering.
The Imago (Latin word meaning “image”) corresponds to an internal representation mostly unconscious of the attachment figure formed in childhood by the interaction with those who have provided (or not) care.
In other words, Imago is the internal image of “the one who could make me feel a unicum by finally satisfying my relational needs”. The correspondence between real characteristics of the potential partner and the Imago, defined Imago Matchcan lead to experimenting with a powerful attraction for that person.
Imago Match
According to the authors, however consciously people claim to look for partners with characteristics other than those of the caregivers, at an unaware level they are attracted by people with characteristics, positive and negative, similar to those who have grown them and, therefore, corresponding to the animal.
The principle that guides the attraction is to obtain the satisfaction of the basic needs from someone who reminds you at a deep level the first attachment figures with their strengths, but above all defects.
The opposite (fictitious) that attracts
Another element that seems to influence an individual’s attractiveness is what he has apparently opposed characteristics to the person.
The explanation is traceable in the socialization process. During growth, the context teaches the child what is worthy of attention and what behaviors will suffer punishments. It is within this process that some inclinations and characteristics of the child will be repressed and sanctioned.
In adult life the person will be attracted to individuals with characteristics similar to the inhibited onesbut having the ability to externalize and express them. For example, an extroverted person who has been punished for his own spontaneity, which has therefore become inhibited, could find an open and sociable individual attractive.
However, what has been learned in childhood remains present in the individual and can lead to criticizing his partner himself for these characteristics. Resuming the previous example, the person could criticize the partner to be too carefree, chaotic or impulsive.
The cognitive perspective and the concept of scheme
The cognitive-behavioral approach to relations has made it possible to deepen and systematize knowledge with respect to the laws of attraction, in particular through the introduction of the concept of scheme.
A scheme can be defined as a cognitive and emotional structure that encapsulates information compared to oneself, others and the world. It develops from direct and indirect experiences lived in the development environment (Young et al., 2003).
The schemes silently filter the perception of the world, of people and relationships to the point that the person rarely realizes he has them.
However patterns are a structural element of human psychological life, they can become dysfunctional or maladatives when they trap the individual in a fixed and immutable reading of reality.
For example, a defective scheme (“I’m wrong”) could guide an individual towards avoiding relationships producing a paradox effect in which solitude is read as confirmation of its inadequacy.
The search for familiarity
Unshabally people can find attractive and fascinating people who generate in their family sensations and based on the patterns; that is, people who confirm the scheme.
As mentioned, by establishing a relationship with these partners, the hope of rewriting and remedying the relational wounds of the past, or, in cognitive terms, disconsfeate the maladative schemes with respect to oneself and the relationship.
The hope that unknowingly guides the choice of the partner with characteristics similar to the less present attachment figure is to obtain the attention, affection or esteem that once the person does not receive.
The alchemy of the schemes
Unfortunately, what remains in the background is an important element: if that person is considered attractive, it is precisely because he has characteristics that prevent them from having very different answers from those of the first caregivers.
In this sense, the possibilities of disconnecting the negative idea of oneself and the relationship is drastically reduced. The alchemy of the schemes is precisely this, finding attractive people with patterns that strengthen the most intimate beliefs about themselves and affective relationships.
According to Stevens and Roedinger (2017) some typical associations may be:
- People who tend to submission can be attracted by people with the tendency to dominance.
- People who expect to be not respected from the other could be attracted to people with a tendency to punish and be aggressive.
- People who do not expect to receive emotional validation could be attracted to people with the tendency to aging.
- People who tend to self-criticism could be attracted to individuals inclined to controversy and the extension of guilt and blame.
Change the patterns for a healthier sentimental life
According to Young and Colleaghi (2003), the disheartening from the maladative schemes occurs when a partner is chosen that has characteristics such as to slightly activate the patterns and, at the same time, allows the experimentation of new ways of interaction and mutual care compared to the first relational experiences.
In this sense, a unique opportunity would be created for Change relational patterns and expand the relational freedom of both partners.
In fact, just as the schemes have a weight in determining the reading of reality it is also true that they are not fixed and immutable, but they can be changed and their influence on the reduced present.
The Therapy scheme is an integrated, individual or couple intervention, aimed at promoting the individual’s ability to satisfy his basic needs in the present and remedy the emotional “wounds” of the past.
Through the increase in self -awareness, experiential intervention techniques and the therapeutic relationship, the dysfunctional patterns that make the sentimental life of the person are modified by trapping it in dysfunctional relationships.
Bibliographic references
- Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test Of A Four-Cathing Model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244. DOI: 10.1037 // 0022-3514.61.2.226
- Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
- Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and loss: Vol. 2. Basic Books.
- Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and loss: vol. 3. Loss. Basic Books.
- Buss, DM (2016). The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating. Basic Books.
- Feney, Ja, & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment Style As A Pricer of Adult Romantic Relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281-291.
- Young, Je, Klosko, Js, & Weishaar, Me (2003). Therapy scheme: a Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.
- Hendrix, H., & Lakelly Hunt, H. (2019). Getting the love you want: a guide for couples. St Martin’s Press.
- Stevens, B., & Roedinger, E. (2017). Negative Relationship Patterns Breaking: A Therapy Self-Help and Support Book scheme. Blackwell pub.
