My son is very obedient, he does not fight with the brothers, eats everything, he washes his teeth without discussing, does not make a whim … but this is just a fantasy
As parents sometimes we struggle to endure some attitudes of our children: there are moments in which we cannot understand them and other times when they make us live a sense of impotence.
Depending on the age, children have different needs and communicate them through their behaviors. When our son responds to the nth degree again with a “no”, accompanied by scene and screams, it is the beginning of a new phase: it is growing, it is becoming a person. It is precisely through the opposition that the child experiences a separated sense of self and distinct from othersand the dispute is at the service of that identity that is struggling to build. This process is guided by an unconscious mechanism: it is therefore not an intentional action, it is the instinct that guides its behaviors.
Name to emotions
The brain of humans is the one that takes the most time to reach its complete maturation (in the first 3-4 years of life it reaches about two thirds of its definitive dimensions), but its growth in its different areas does not have a constant rhythm. THE’amigdalafor example, our “emotional sentinel” (ie the brain structure that manages emotions and in particular fear), at birth is already very close to its complete development, while the frontal lobes, important for the impulses adjustments (therefore for self -control), continue to develop until the end of adolescence. This premise explains why In the first years of life the child is unable to manage what he feels and to give a name to his emotions, with the consequence that he is often overwhelmed. That is, it perceives to live as a undisputed protagonist in a dimension of magical and self -centered thought in which everything is possible. And here: he does not want to get off the car once they arrive at their destination; He refuses to cross the way to shoot the green traffic light; fill the supermarket cart with everything, despite your recommendations; He does not want to eat a dish that until the day before was his favorite; He does not want to wear his clean shirt because he claims his favorite, but he is in the washing machine.
Oppositional phase: what to do?
When we are faced with a decisive “oppositional phase” by the child, our instinctive reaction is to respond to the rhymes, that is, to impose our will. So doing though We run the risk of finding ourselves stuck in a dynamic of power, which feeds emotions of anger on both sides. Better instead to try to evaluate what to do based on the context. In circumstances of potential danger, we follow common sense and intervene in an authoritative way, that is to say, guaranteeing limits, not imposing them; Subsequently, the calm restores, we will give an explanation. In situations of ordinary everyday life, we can instead ask ourselves questions, for example: is it so important that our child do at that precise moment what we are wondering or can we allow them (and allow us) to postpone or not satisfy our request?
Understanding and verbulating emotions
When instead the “no” lived as a personal affront, we are less tolerant and less willing to listen because we feel that our role is in danger. But if we feel made fun of or manipulated, it is probably because our weaknesses have been touched. In these cases, We always remember that for our children we are the point of reference: they admire us, they imitate us in our behaviors and need our approval; Often children do not really need their desires to be satisfied, they only want to be recognized and respected by us, and that their emotions are understood and verbalized.
Anger, a feeling to express
When their requests cannot be fulfilled, our task is to understand their anger, welcome it and return a message understandable for them: if they feel considered, their outburst will last a few minutes to the maximum. So let’s do with patience and remember that Only by freely expressing one’s anger can the renunciation and the frustration that derive from it can be accepted; A prerequisite for us adults too. But perhaps it is precisely because we often do not listen to our deepest and most authentic emotions that we struggle more to tune in to those of others, including those of children.
