Growth provides mistakes, falls and second thoughts that stimulate new points of view necessary for development. Here are six ways to help children grow up
Often parents express concern for some wrong behaviors of the child or for conduct at risk, they complain because the child responds badly and is “rude”, the boy does not study or closes in his bedroom to play video games all day. Sometimes, however, there are perfect children and young people that you never hear about because they never make people talk about.
They are those young people who go very well at school, excel in sports disciplines and if new activities begin they carry them on with extreme commitment and always aspiring to the maximum. They are described as polite, attentive, precise, respectful of commitments and others.
They never make a mistake, do not protest, adapt to any proposal and satisfy all requests. But how much can this ideal last? And what happens if this perfect child or boy sooner or later fails?
When I confront these “families of perfect children”, parents arrive in consultancy with a great fear: that boy or girl, always good in everything, have suddenly changed. There are children who begin to activate unruly behaviors and it seems that they try in every way to be resumed, punished and scoldedas if to demonstrate that they too can be “bad”. Just them who until then had always had a mild and calm attitude (the famous phrase of the mothers is that of: “He is very good. Where you put it”). Always diligent children in tasks begin to manifest listlessness and poor interest. In other cases, the “perfect child” can tend to withdraw from relationships with other children and develop experiences of sadness and apathyor activate childhood behaviors characteristic of a minor age (for example he wants to always be with his mother, or wants help and confirmations for the various activities of the day). Or he can start looking for ways to avoid any evaluation situation, both at school and with peers (complaining about Malaysiers so as not to go to school, do not want to do more sports and not go to his partner parties).
Grant spaces, time and freedom
If the parent lives the discomfort mixed with disappointment for what sometimes perceives as a failure of the child, the child also suffers from his anguish and guilt so as not to feel more up to it. The performance anxiety that in the short term guarantees brilliant results is the same that over the years it can determine emotional blocks of the future teenagerwhich for fear of making mistakes can choose not to risk and consequently being blocked in the face of the choices and risks that growth presents him. The child, in fact, finds attractive to be able to respond positively to parents’ expectations, also because this is usually the easiest way to be seen and recognized.
But Today the expectations of mothers and fathers are increasingly higher and not always adapted to the age of the child. According to Istat about 20% of children do not have free time during the week. In addition to the school and homework, the child must play sports, learn a musical instrument, do theater, study foreign languages. In this way, however, the child remain very little time and space to be himself. The only important thing seems to learn new things and win. Finally, it is not uncommon for this request for success on the cognitive side and the performance does not oppose an indifference to the development of emotional competence. Perfection is static, firm, blocked. The evolution, on the other hand, provides for mistakes, falls, second thoughts that help to develop new points of view and new development possibilities. Here are six ways to help your children grow:
- Do not anticipate the needs of the children and do not immediately give the solution to their problems. Allow children to live small frustrations and to seek personal solutions to difficulties, not always equal to those that we would adopt, is a way to make them more aware of their ability and autonomies, without limiting themselves to imitative and condescending conduct towards parents.
- Rewarding the commitment and not only the result: if the child repeated the poetry throughout the afternoon and the next day at school he takes a just enough vote it is not useful to tell him that he could take a higher vote. Better to understand why anxiety does not help him express himself.
- Maintain consistency in the requests, which must be adequate to the age of the child. In other words, for example, I cannot ask the child to learn two foreign languages and then take him as he eats.
- Reasses family dynamics giving more space to situations of emotional sharing in the absence of judgment and evaluation. For example, playing without the game there is a purpose of winning or loss, or final results to be achieved.
- Emotional and cognitive development go hand in hand and follow variable rhythms. Not to impose too many structured activities and leave him free time to the child will help him develop his interests more and download stress.
- We must deal with the fact that there are no perfect children, and there are not even perfect parents. Relating their limits and imperfections without projecting personal ideals on their child who have not been reached in the past is a good start to give the child the freedom to be able to express themselves at best, and make him feel loved and recognized in his strengths and weaknesses.
