Problems of various kinds in adulthood are associated with violent education: hundreds of scientific studies confirm it. The pediatrician Costantino Panza talks about it
Alessio, 8 years old; Lorenzo, 5. It is the first visit, the first meeting. I know the little sister, Giulia, infant, whom the mother has already brought me a few times, the daughter of a new dad. “Good morning Alessio, where are you?”, While I hold his hand his gaze escapes all sides until, after so many endless moments, chasing his face with mine, our looks cross. “Here you are, now I see you!” No smile, only embarrassment and the hat with visor strictly descended on the eyes. “And you, Lorenzo?”, Here the handshake is accompanied by great smiles and a great desire to explore doctor and room.
I do not collect a detailed anamnesis (I have already spoken with my mother on the occasion of the first visits of little Giulia) and I explain to the children that I will take the measurements, I will make a control visit and send them to undress naked for this. “What?!”, The boys in chorus exclaimed amazed. So I ask Alessio to tell me about the most important things of his life. I get closer, eyes to the floor, visor that completely shields the face and deep silence. “Ale, I don’t know anything about you, I really need you to tell me something important about you to meet you.” “I am good at school”, “… then I have to protect Lorenzo and Giulia, my little sister, because they are smaller”. I congratulate him and after a few questions about his habits I ask him to undress, “even the underwear?”, “Yes, if they are not glued”, and I perform a visit that satisfies both. With Lorenzo we start, however, with great laughs. I don’t know how, but at his answers I make great jokes and we burst all laughing. We are unable to take and the long laughter also infects mom and Alessio.
An uncomfortable truth
While Lorenzo gets back his clothes and rummages with his brother among the furniture and books of the surgery and I finish filling in the medical record, the mother perceives that the visit is now over. So, softly: “Doctor, don’t he ask him about my new partner?” … Ah, already. I remember something, we spoke during one of the first visits to Giulia; The boys don’t get along with Mom’s new partner. It must be so, now the memory awakens, yes, there must be a little tension between Giulia’s dad and the two children. «Madam, it’s the first visit, I left the word to them and I invited them to tell me about their most important things. I wouldn’t want to question today, since they didn’t tell me about it. But if it is a primary question for her, we ask them to sit and listen to the mother because she has something important to say ».
I call the boys, Lorenzo and Alessio are obedient and divide the chair. “Here, he sees Doctor, the boys don’t get along very well with Sebastiano.” “His new partner?” “Yes.” “Why guys? What happens, what is wrong? ” Alessio transforms himself, is rigid, tense like a violin rope: «He is not my father, he does not command me. It does not give me orders », the voice rises in tone. “What happens? Why does it give orders? ” “Because we confuse. He pulls his ears. ” “How, the ears?” «Yes, he pulls our ears if we don’t obey him. He doesn’t want us to disturb the little girl. But he is not our father. ” The mother intervenes: “But that’s not true, it will have done it perhaps once …” “Taci you, who slapped us!” Alessio is lapidary, the furious face, stands up and approaches the mother: “You don’t have to slap us on the cheeks, but give us the patacche in the ass.” Blushed, embarrassed, the mother responds to my requests for clarifications: “Sometimes patience escapes … after many times that the same is said … then a slap arrives.”
Invest in the relationship
Why does all this still happen today? And why didn’t I ask the mother of the corporal punishment? Why do I continue to give this type of trust to parents? Dry question in front of the children: «Do you, lady, beats children? A slap, a patacca, a pulled ears? A strait? A scream? ” Stupid they are. Other than asking if they take milk for breakfast! No, no, no: these unnecessary questions should not be asked. “Shooting the child with the aim of educating him?”, Or: “How many times beats his children in a week?” Here, these are the questions. But what false modesty I continue to wear. I’m just disappointed with me. This time, luckily it went well. Something was revealed, thanks to Alessio.
I explain to the boys and mom that you can’t and must never beat a child. If things do not work at home, you have to stop a moment and discuss all of them together; Then the parents will decide the rules after listening to the children. If the patience of mom or dad escapes, spanking and slaps are not justified in any way: Parents have to prescribe until they recover a little tranquility and must never fail to explain their mood to their children. But I can’t not be a board with my mother: «Never again! If he wants to recover a relationship with the boys, his partner can only speak to them by offering the utmost respect, as you will have to do, always, without giving in to the impulsiveness of a patience that has been lost. ” Final greetings. Standing on the door open on the appearance room, the other waiting parents can now listen, I hold my hand to the mother and stop her on the threshold: «Congratulations lady, she has good guys. I am satisfied with them. ” “Next next.”
Educate without violence
A spanking, a slap, a strait, a pinch or an ears draw are acts that parents often use with the intent to educate their child. A parent gives a corporal punishment to interrupt an unwanted action or with the aim of teaching good behavior. But after a while the child will resume that action for which he had been punished (he is scientifically tested and even every parent can confirm it) and, above all, this child will learn not a good, but impulsive behavior; Just as it was dictated by impulsiveness – “I have escaped patience!” – The spanking. In essence: Use spanking to teach education does not serve our educational intent in any way.
But there is more. There are hundreds of scientific studies that associate education through spanking, and more generally all corporal punishments, to a negative outcome in adulthood. Also a very recent and important study published in the most important international pediatric scientific magazine, Pediatricsconfirmed that The use of corporal punishments as an educational style leads to a greater probability of presenting anxiety, depression, mood and esteem disorders, alcohol and drugs, personality disorders in adulthood,. We could contest this result thinking of families of low socio-economic level, or with mistreating problems or families. Absolutely not: they were simply parents who believed in the educational goodness of the spanking.
