The theme of violence Inside the couples is, unfortunately, a evergreen. We have always wondered and looking for more accurate models of analysis of how never two people who want to love each other, love and share life, sometimes they fall into terrible cycles of violence.
On the other hand, what has recently changed is the way to look at the problem: historically the research has been interested in understanding what pushes “man” to attack the woman and what pushes the “woman” to remain the victim of a violent relationship (e.g. the phenomena of emotional dependence, still so studied and discussed). Over the past 20 years, research has changed perspective and has started looking at violence in couples in a wider way.
Recently in the state of California in the USA a hundred researchers in 20 different universities have collaborated for 2 years to process the most extensive research review of empirical literature on intimate violence between partners. Research, methodologically strong and evidence-based, He analyzed about 1200 studies and produced very interesting results that reinforce the foundations to direct current research towards new perspectives.
We take a step back and understand well what we are talking about.
Intimate violence between partner (IPV)
There “Intimate violence between partners (IPV)” It includes damage, threats of emotional or financial psychological physical damage by the current or previous partner or spouse.
One of the main turning points in understanding the IPV was the discovery that not all types of violence are the same.
Currently the IPV has been divided into categories, different mainly on the intention that moves violent behavior. We can mainly distinguish two types of violence between partners: Intimate terrorism (IT) and the Situational couple violence (scv).
The main difference between these two forms is not the intensity of aggressive behavior or their danger and not even being “UNI “ or “bi” directional but, in fact, the dynamic below.
- But how do I recognize what kind of violence to my couple suffers from?
- If we hurt ourselves, tax when we fight … is it normal or is it too much?
- Why do we get so much if we love each other?
- What should I do? Do I have to contact an anti-violence center or a couple therapist?
Those who live in violent contexts ask questions like these even every day. It is really important to frame in a clear light what happens to each of us within our relationships. Let’s try to clarify.
Intimate terrorism
In intimate terrorism (then called Coercive parental violence) One of the two partners exerts power and control over the other. Some elements have been identified that are part of this type of intimate violence (Pence & Paymar, 1993, Kelly & Jhonson, 2008) or:
- Coercion and threats
- Intimidation
- Emotional abuse
- Insulation
- Minimization and culpine
- Affirmation of gender privileges
This category includes the form of violence between more commonly imagined partners and studies confirm that in heterosexual relationships it is mainly shaken by men (Jhonson 2006, Graham-Kevan 2003). The consequences for the victim are often serious and access to the emergency room, help centers or law firms are not rare.
Many authors (e.g. Stark 2007) also report that there is a more subtle type of intimate terrorism in which there are dynamics of power and control but there is still no physical violence: these cases are equally understood as cases of IPV and the consequences for the victims are however devastating.
The intervention
This phenomenon, unfortunately very widespread still today all over the world is very dangerous. How do you intervene?
In addition to the part of Taken on legal charge and legal, almost always indispensable, is intervened separately on each partner: they exist Help centers For women victims of violence and specific centers for mistreating men where you work on personality characteristics.
Taking into account the incalculable personal and social impact of this form of IPV, however, it is a duty to remind us that the most effective strategy must be the prevention.
Violence of situational couple
The violence of situational couple (Scv) is the most common form of IPV (Slootmaeckers & Migerode, 2019) and refers to the violence expressed within cycles of negative interaction in couples.
The interpersonal cycle The couple pushes both partners to be afraid of losing the attachment: when a human being is afraid of losing his loved one he automatically reacts trying not to lose him and it is here that violent behavior sometimes come into play.
Following the clinical model of couple of the Therapy focused on emotion (EFT) We imagine that there is more than one situation that leads to the implementation of the violence that depends on how each partner works.
Acts of violence within the cycles of torque may have the purpose of “chase“The partner or”distance“From the partner. Understanding this type of dynamics opens the way to be able to treat violent couples without this means to interrupt the relationship.
“I can’t miss you”: violence to chase the partner
There is a form of “violence” aimed at increasing the closeness: we refer to those behaviors that we implement when, desperate, we try to do everything so that our partner does not go and sometimes the last weapon is to “grasp it with the claws to prevent it from going to”.
In these cases in our mind, thoughts come like “I would do everything to make me listen”, “if now she leaves, I will lose it forever”. Or, in the case of bidirectional violence, usually the partners report that “they don’t even know what happens but sudden themselves to fight violently”.
Violence is one of the behaviors that are used to protect the link with the other. This does not surprise us especially if we imagine the behavior of a child When it is far from the parent: it is not uncommon for children, especially before starting to communicate verbally, try to maintain the relationship with the caregiver in every possible way, even attacking it.
“Enough! I need to take air!”: Violence as a distance strategy
Otherwise we can get to act violent behaviors also to subtract “from the clutches” of the partner, when this becomes critical, devaluing, judge (Allison, 2008).
In the most avoidant partners, violent behavior often comes when they now feel disabled in the eyes of the other, not worthy of love. If the normal reassurance attempts also fail in this case it is possible to go towards aggressive agitates, as protest against the criticisms that demonstrate the disconnection and to relieve the fear of the loss of the relationship.
It may happen that we feel overwhelmed and responsible for everything that does not go within our couple and that this makes us feel so much anger. When this becomes unbearable, it is possible that “explodes” and that we act aggressively to distance ourselves from that critical environment that is destroying our couple.
Also in this case, the distancing behavior is used by the partner in order to escape from the criticisms of the loved one and be able to take refuge in a “self-regulation” bubble. This, in the mind of a partner who “runs away” would serve to be able to calm the waters, allow both of them to recover and return to having a quiet climate, indispensable for the safe connection.
It is essential to add that almost no partners that acts violent behavior is proud of it. Although you perceive your way of acting as useful, often if you do not always get trapped in thoughts of guilt, frustration, failure for having had to implement such intense behaviors again. Violence in this case creates enormous consequences even in those who express it.
Work with couples who “suffer” with violence
The studies of the last 20 years remind us how we must first distance from the stereotype of the polarized model Which sees attacker-life on the basis of the man-woman genre. It is now shown that when violence is within a attachment bond Women are as violent as men (Whitaker, 2007). In addition, both partners undergo a long -term psychological and physical impact due to the IPV. However, it is important to recognize that, however, physical violence has an enormously more serious impact in women (due to the imbalance of power and physical size).
Since the Scv is part of bidirectional interaction patterns and the aggression is carried out by women and men in the same proportion, then the couple therapy It can be effective in reducing the risk of violence.
What is important is to contact trained therapists in the work with violent couples who, in fact, read the violence like a symptomlike a phenomenon of which the couple suffer.
Those suffering from violence within the couple need to be listened to and welcomed in their pain also regarding the implementation of these behaviors: if the violence is in a bond that I want me to return for sure I will certainly be anguished from realizing that “while I try to save our relationship, I am really pretending to be the person I love”.
The ingredients who work in therapy are the welcomethe help to take on their own responsibility and the overall vision of the interpersonal cycles. In this way, we understand better and explain better to the other why we are sometimes trapped in the implementation of violent behavior and we can work together to build safety in the couple again.
Bibliography
- Allison, C., Bartholomew, K., Mayseless, O., & Dutton, D. (2008). Love as a Battlefield. Attachment and Relationship Dynamics in Couples Identified for Male Partner Violence. Journal of Family Issues, 29 (1), pp. 125-150.
- Anderson, K. (2004). Perpetrator or Victim? Relationshipsships Between Intimate Partner Violence and Well-Boing. Journal of Marriage and Family, pp. 851-862.
- Johnson, M. (1995). Patriarchal Terrorism and Common Couple Violence: Two Forms of Violence Against Women. Journal of Marriage and the Family, pp. 283-294.
- Johnson, M., & Leone, J. (2005). The Differential Effects of Intimate Terrorism and Sitional Couple Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. Journal of Family Issues, pp. 322-349.
- Johnson, S. (2007). In New Era For Couple Therapy: Theory, Research and Practice in Concert. Journal of Systemic Therapies, pp. 5-16.
- Kelly, K., & Johnson, M. (2008). Differentiations Among Types of Intimate Partner Violence: Research Update and Implications for Interventions. Family Court Review, pp. 476-499.
- Slootmaeckers, J., & Migerode, L. (2018). Fighting for Connection: Patterns of Intimate Partenr Violence. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 17 (4), pp. 294-312.
- Whitaker, D., Haileyesus, T., Swahn, M., & Saltzman, L. (2007). Differences in Frequency of Violence and Reported Injury Bethaeen Relationships With mutual and Non-Reciprocal Intimate Violence partners. American Journal of Public Health, pp. 941-947.
