“Eros shakes my feelings, like wind in the mountains that falls on oaks” (Sappho)
Loving and not being loved is a common experience for humans. According to research conducted in 2008 by Motley and colleagues, about 80% of people experienced they are attracted to someone who did not reciprocate them.
The literature has addressed the theme countless times: Cyrano Ama Rossana, but cannot confess it, Frollo Brama Esmeralda and in order to have it imprisons her, Elaine falls in love with Sir Lancelot and not being reciprocated dies of pain.
What’s real in these examples? And above all, is it possible to “heal” from the suffering of not being reciprocated?
The brain in love
In love, especially when paid, it is one of the most intense experiences that a human being can live.
On the subjective level, the love generates euphoria, focus of attention on the loved one, increase in energy and intense desire to be in the company of the other.
The scientific literature for a long time has wondered about what love was and how to study it.
The physiology of love
Thanks to the development of techniques of neuroimaging At the beginning of this century light was made on many (not all) of the physiological mechanisms that characterize love and falling in love.
According to Fisher (2000, 2002, 2004), love can be divided into three complementary yet distinct nuances:
- Attraction (physical desire): it is the plan of sexuality and physical pleasure. The main associated neurotransmitter is testosterone.
- Desiderio (romantic passion): concerns the anticipation of the pleasure and the enjoyment of the presence of the other. It is characterized by generating recursive and spontaneous thoughts that have the other person as their object. The neuronal circuit involved seems to be the dopaminergic one or the reward.
- Attachment (protection): it is the dimension of care, support and compassionate presence. It is linked to the production of oxytocin and vasopressin.
Curiously these three components can emerge independently or blend in each other. For example, you can be attracted to a person with whom, however, we do not seek closeness and care; On the contrary, we can want to spend time with a friend and yet not to desire it sexually.
If on the one hand this complexity allows the birth and maintenance of social ties, on the other it can be a source of misunderstandings and suffering.
The pain of not being paid
In a 2010 study, Fisher and colleagues examined with a technique of neuroimaging The brain response of 15 people recently rejected after declaring their love.
What emerged was that in the face of the images of the loved one, the same brain areas related to reward, dependence on substances and the activation of the autonomous nervous system were activated in their brains.
These results well aligned with the psychological experience reported by the participants in the study: anger, deep pain, obsessive thoughts and desire to be together with your loved one.
Not being paid in one’s love translates into strong sensations of pain and suffering (Baumeister et al., 1993).
In particular, there are intrusive and recursive thoughts about the desired person, intense sensations of sadness and melancholy, up to a real rumination with depressive states and anxious symptoms.
Blindness to negative signals
By interviewing individuals in love, but not paid, a somewhat curious fact emerges: they report that they have rarely received signs of no interest or refusal from the other person. On the contrary, by interviewing the people subject to love, they claim to have been explicit in the refusal only that the other simply “did not understand” (Baumesiter et al., 1993).
This discrepancy was called “blindness to negative signals” or “insensitivity to refusal” (Sinclair et al., 2002). He who loves tends to interpret ambiguous signals, such as kind words and behaviors, as more encouraging what they are in reality.
It is no coincidence that, once rejected, the rejected person describes the other as dark, incomprehensible and mysterious.
The one who has not paid the other’s mind in the light of his desire and actively select (but unconsciously) the signs that support his desire.
The usefulness of this cognitive distortion would reside in the need to support the hope that the loved one can reciprocate and, therefore, persist in courtship.
In this sense, the lover would not be able to make a careful idea of the mind and feelings of the other often leading to an effect opposite to the desired effect: generating refusal and irritation.
It is useful to underline how in extreme cases the suitor’s behavior is guided by a motivation for possession and obtaining pleasure, not of the well -being of the other and, therefore, of sincere love.
If on the one hand, brammother leads to love to be centered on itself and not realize the so -called stop signals, on the other it can hide difficulties and dynamics relating to a psychopathology (Baumeister et al., 1993) which may request a psychotherapy intervention.
Love and self -esteem
Loving means opening up to vulnerability, to the possibility of not being paid.
Often a romantic refusal may suggest being unwanted or unwanted. The refusal, in this way, takes on a value that goes beyond the frustration of a desire, affects self -esteem and activates a sense of humiliation.
It is no coincidence that people who bind their self -image to stable and non -contextual factors tend to declare their love more often and suffer less than waste (Clark et al., 2020).
Therefore, many people cannot declare their affection or express the desire to undertake a relationship with another person because they are too frightened by the refusal and what this would imply.
If these elements are present, it is important that the person considers a professional evaluation. In fact, these beliefs and fears can arise from disorders of the sphere of social anxiety or from pathological personality structures which, thanks to structured psychotherapeutic interventions, can be modified and encourage the construction of a life of meaning.
Don’t be loved and live happily
Accept suffering
A first element to manage unrequited love lies in accepting suffering.
Suffering because it is not reciprocated is completely normal and opening up to these emotions without fighting them is the basis from which to start in order to return to an emotional balance.
Accepting an emotion means making them space without “having to free yourself” or to think that only when we stop suffering can we go back to living.
Be compassionate towards oneself
A second aspect lies in assuming a compassionate and welcoming attitude towards themselves because of not being paid.
This is an element of particular importance because often the idea of not being reciprocated generates shame and contempt for themselves that weigh down an already difficult pain of an unnecessary pain.
These emotions are supported by erroneous beliefs concerning one’s inamability or physical and “personal” inadequacy.
In reality, as mentioned, not being reciprocated is a common experience and, therefore, it really has little to do with the individual, but rather with the correspondence between the two individuals.
Lean on others
A third aspect to consider concerns the tendency of the human mind not to read the signs that indicate the disinterest from the other.
Baying one’s behavior on these (distorted) signals can support situations of ambiguity, uncertainty and suffering.
To counteract this bias it could be useful to lean with acquaintances or friends who, perhaps, may have more objective visions of the situation and help to evaluate whether to persist in courtship.
Reflect on the value of refusal
Finally, if the fear of the refusal is so intense as to inhibit the courtship itself, it is important to question the reason for this fear and reflect on the weight, perhaps excessive, attributed to receiving a refusal on the image of oneself.
In conclusion, love is a complex feeling that is intertwined by double thread with the character and experiences made over the course of life.
The desire to tile relationships is a universal push and, however, it can become a source of apprehension and suffering.
In these cases, face these emotions through a reflection or professional support can prove to be fundamental to obtain a full and functional sentimental life.
Bibliographic references
- Baumeister, R., Wotman, S., & Stillwell, A. (1993). Unrequited Love: On Heartbreak, Angers, Guilt, Scriptlessness, and Humiliation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64(3), 377-394. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.64.3.377
- Clark, E., Votow, K., Harris, A., Hasan, M., & Fernandez, P. (2019). Unrequited Love: The Role of Prior Commitment, Motivation to Remain Friends, and Friendship maintenance. The Journal of Social Psychology, 160(3), 293-309. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224545.2019.1648234
- Fisher, H. (2000). Lust, Attraction, Attachment: Biology and Evolution of the Three Primary Emotion Systems for Mating, Reproduction, and Parenting. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 25(1), 96-104. https://doi.org/10.108/01614576.2000.1107434
- Fisher, H. (2016). Why we love. Joosr Ltd.
- Fisher, H., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. (2002). Archives of Sexual Behavior, 31(5), 413-419. https://doi.org/10.1023/a:1019888024255
- Fisher, H., Brown, L., Aron, A., Strong, G., & Mashek, D. (2010). Reward, Addiction, and Emotion Regulation Systems Associated With Rejection in Love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1), 51-60. https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00784.2009
- Motley, M. (2008). Studies in Applied Interpersonal Communication. Sage.
- Sinclair, H., & Frieze, I. (2005). When courtship persistence beacomes intrusive pursuit: comparring rejecter and pursuer perspectives of unrequited attraction. Sex Roles, 52(11-12), 839-852. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-005-4203-4
