The “mental overload” that affects women deemed responsible for the family organization is a form of inequality of gender difficult to recognize, but very widespread also among couples with a equilibrated division of domestic work
Normally I enjoy a bad memory. Once I was ashamed of it, then I understood that it was a blessing, a gift to cultivate and, where possible, to make use; Because the good God will not have given me the brain of Hannah Arendt and not even Charlize Theron’s face, as far as I would also be satisfied with the opposite, but if only it gave me the memory of a red fish.
Normally I enjoy a bad memory, it was said, yet I distinctly remember one morning a few years ago, when I happened to attend one of the most exemplary episodes of thedouble standard atrocious To which, even in this illuminated century, women are subjected.
The biggest of my daughters attended the nursery school, and one morning in winter we happen to cross a child, accompanied, which no longer rare, by the dad. The teachers welcome the child and amiably dismissed the parent. And, as soon as the father comes out, one of them telephones the mother, to inform her that the boy was not covered enough, a sweatshirt was needed. It was not, or had not seemed to me, a complaint to his partner, or former partner, of the unfortunate. It was a request for intervention: you must, indeed You had to think about it.
“Think about it”: what is mental overload
The problem lies precisely in that verb there, thinking, with all the migraines it underlies.
Someone calls it Mental Chargeor Mental Load; We, given that the Crusca observes us, could call it load, indeed overload, mental. It is one of those things that have always existed, but to which a name has only gone recently, a little because we need the internet and social media, to make a communication by baptizing our disasters, and a little because today it is Note more, precisely because other double standards are slowly evaporating.
The (SUPERC) Mental load This is what remains, on the shoulders of women, after men and women have divided their homework. It is being the part of the couple who must think about it. It is to keep in mind, coordinate, mediate, supervise, control and remember.
The division of the care work
To be honest, however, it must be said that statistically speaking Men and Women have not divided the tasks then so much. An Istat survey on the use of time found that, even among the couples in which they both work, women tend to devote more time to domestic work compared to their companions. And the result is that on average women have an hour of free time a day (58 minutes, to make clarifications) less than their partners.
In short, the statistics tell us that it is not so true that men and women, even when they both have a job, The care of the children and the house are equally divided. However, we speak of this. What we speak a little less is that this inequality, all in all tangible, adds a second, a little more elusive.
“You could ask …”
One of the first people to point out was a French cartoonist, who calls himself “Emma”, a few years ago. In one of his strips, then became a book, the artist described a scene that will be familiar to many: a couple of friends invites her to dinner, and when she arrives home, her wife is cooking and at the same time feeding the smaller children, So the husband entertains the guest; When his wife, unable to do everything together, burns dinner, the husband tells her that he would have to ask for his help, he would give a hand willingly.
“You could ask”: these are the two words that every woman send on everyone. “When a man expects his partner to tell him to do something, he sees her as A manager of the household chores», Commented the cartoonist. «In short, it is up to her to know what it must be done. The problem is that planning and organizing things is in itself a job, “he continues. In fact, I would add, “Project Manager” is just a recognized job, and even a tough one.
The management of the family calendar
A classic example of mental load lies in the responsibility of keeping the family calendar, and in particular to manage the activities of the children and make sure that there is always someone to supervise the field: the father accompanies Luigino to kindergarten, his grandmother goes to pick it up, the nanny accompanies Maria to swimming, but it’s up to the mother, most of the time, assign shifts and verify that they are respected.
Another example, closer to that described by the comic, lies in finding himself with a partner who does things, and also willingly, but only if he is reminded of doing them, or explicitly asked.
Be forgetful!
These are, of course, generalizations, also made on a heterosexual couple model, which is not the only one. Each couple is different And certainly, somewhere in my ideal world, there are husbands who take the trouble to do the family project managers. However, if you belong to that group of families where in the end a good part of the mental load falls on the fairer sex, which according to my anecdotal experience is rather nourished, here are some not requested advice.
Women, know that It is possible to get rid of iteven if it requires playing a little dirty. The most effective strategy consists in convincing all those who take for granted that you are always having to keep the ranks of the situation that you are actually too stupid, or forgetfulto do it. I, not to boast, I can quite well, since nature made me the gift of a deliciously unreliable memory and that, at a certain point, I decided to archive the feelings of guilt.
Divide the responsibilities
But be careful: there are not only husbands to convince, but also teachers, parents and in -laws. The whole system built around the idea of mother as an oasis of reliability should be demolished by force of raises of shoulders and “OOOPS“; You will see that The world does not collapseand the others will learn to take part in responsibility. To conclude with advice to men, just remember an easy tip easy: Loving means never having to say “you could ask”.
