Uncontrolled anger and anger shots, sudden cravings or often short -lived bizarre. What is really at the origin of the child’s whim and how to manage it in a concrete and effective way? The Montessorian educator Francesca Perica explains it to us
“My child is 2 years old and makes continuous whims! Why?», Elena asks us, Pietro’s mother. Let’s start by saying that the 2 years of age are considered, in particular, the era of continuous whims. The struggles in dressing, to eat one thing rather than another, for when going to sleep or leave the playground are for many parents almost on the agenda.
Then here is growing in us adults the sense of fatigue, impotence, frustration, up to the culmination in which, together with the brackets, we also lose any possibility of reconnection with our child.
Let’s see below Some tips on how to manage and face children’s whims also depending on age.
Why is a whim born?
Let’s start by saying that the term “whim” is actually used in disproportion to describe those sudden or bizarre cravings often short -lived of the child that we parents or not tend to satisfy. The Anglo -Saxon term Temper TantrumsMeaning what “IRA outburst“Or“not controlled anger“, It is definitely more appropriate, as it describes well the inability of the child to regular emotions and behaviors.
It is in fact important to clarify that these attitudes to our eyes so inconvenient and excessive are not unmotivated, much less futile. To their base, in fact, It is always possible to identify an implicit needwho loudly ask to be seen, recognized and validated.
Let’s take an example. It is early in the morning and our child does not want to know how to prepare. We even offer him to wear his favorite shirt, but he replies that he no longer likes and begins an inconsolable cry (which can also lead to the so -called emotional spasms), even throws the head of clothing away.
In front of such a conduct, many would let themselves be overwhelmed by the nervousness and, also given the haste to go out, they would go to repress the behavior with hardness by dating the child with a force (not without some threats and a certain effort!). Thus a real power struggle is created from which, however, Both parties come out defeats.
The situation probably could have been carried out differently if the adult, instead of impuncing, had tried to listen. In fact, the most evident need is hardly the one at the origin of the whim. In our example, perhaps the real problem of the child was not “which shirt to wear”, but rather the awareness that once ready it would have to go to kindergarten, separating from the parent!
Here then that reaction, for us illogical, disproportionate and senseless, suddenly acquires meaning. With that behavior the child was trying to communicatealbeit ineffectively, something that was not yet able to say in words: the fear and sadness of having to separate from the loved one.
Instead of minimizing that experience, our task should be to help the child clarify and express itoffering him those words that still miss: «I seem sad to me. What happens? Would you like to stay with me again? I understand it, I would also like to spend time with you too ».
It is about decentralizing to make room for understanding what the child is experimenting, perceiving what he is feeling and communicating to him that he has the right to feel what he feels!
We must be aware of the fact that For a small child it is perfectly normal to experience de-regulation states in the face of strong emotions. There is no provocation, nor challenge, nor a conscious intent of making the other feel bad. There is an emotion blocked, a problem and the need for an adult capable of listening and offering his help.
How to manage whims
But How to manage the whims of children in practice? Let’s start by saying that There is no “magic wand”. Precisely because they are phenomena strictly connected to brain development processes, time adults, patience and an intense accompaniment work are required.
The precondition on how to deal with the whims of children in a conscious and respectful way is keep calm. In fact, we must start from the assumption that that conduct was not born with the intent to challenge us, but with that of communicating something to us.
If the child is shouting and launching his buildings, screams, threats and aggressive attempts of repression will only throw “petrol on fire”. In the midst of the whim, the state of de-regulation is such that even trying to make the child think would make no sense. Logical arguments and teachings will fall almost inevitably in the void. The first step must rather be to recreate a state of connection. Let’s lower ourselves to the child’s level and seek his gaze. If you do not refuse it, also offer him a physical containment, otherwise let’s limit ourselves to a non -invasive presence.
Only when the child has passed from the initial reactive state to a receptive state, will it be possible to speak to him. We then describe the incident in the most objective way possible, verbalizing what seems to us to be his experience and helping him to give a name to his emotions. For example: «I see that you are very angry. I understand you, I know what it means to feel like this but I have to stop because I want to protect you ».
We pay attention to communicating to children the message that every emotion has perfectly reason to be, while not all behaviors are acceptable.
The one on which we should subsequently go to work will be modeling more effective and adequate conduct to communicate their experiences.
The “3 C” to prevent whims
Although the whims are something perfectly normal in the arc of growth, however work on “prevention” and thus reduce the number.
To do this, we try to guarantee our child:
- Clarity. When taking a decision, it is extremely important for our part clearly to the child. This is even more important in the case of a negation. We must not be afraid to say “no” when necessary (for example when the baby wants to wear shorts and flip flops in the middle of winter). But let’s make sure to do it in a firm but at the same time loving way.
- Consistency. Small children don’t like changes. Establish routine firm It is the key to helping them orient themselves. In addition to rhythms, consistency will be maintained as much as possible even within the limits and decisions. If it has been established that they do not eat sweets after seven in the evening, it is advisable to remain consistent in your choice.
- Involvement. It is often possible to identify a whims on a need for self -affirmation. The moment the child refuses to put the jacket that we offer and instead settled at him to wear the sweatshirt chosen by him, is as if he was communicating that we are an autonomous individual, with his own opinions and desires that deserve listening and understanding. Instead of giving life to exhausting power struggles we could then try to facilitate as much as possible process processeshowever, ensuring that they are appropriate to the child’s abilities (no longer “I told you that you have to put that jacket!”, But “you can choose whether to put this blue jacket or the yellow sweatshirt if, however, under we wears another shirt”).
Last advice is that of Try to get notes. Noting the situations in which our child more easily loses control can be useful to understand what are the patterns that contribute to triggering the dynamics of the whim and thus trying to prevent them. However, it is important to remember that We cannot control the emotions of our childrenwhat we can do is rather try to control the situations that live and help them understand and process them, in respect and in mutual connection.
Capricci: How to do with older children?
As we have seen, the “terrible two”, or the whims of children around 2 years, are well documented, But what does it mean if children continue to make tantrums even at 5, 6, 7 years or even over?
Tendentially, when children turn 5-6 years, there is a drastic decrease in whims: over time, in fact, the child begins to improve their linguistic skills and develop the first, basic modalities of emotional self-regulation.
This does not mean, however, that the whims disappear completely. Indeed, it is perfectly normal that even preschool and school children also fall prey. For some of them, in fact, more time may be needed To learn to regulate the strongest emotions or to express and modulate demanding experiences such as frustration, jealousy or boredom. The cause could also identify in one Difficulty of children in managing particular situations (for example at school or in the relationship with peers) or conditions (stress, anxiety etc.).
Even in the case of older children, it is important to remember that in front of a crisis threatening or punishing is not the solution; Not long -term, at least. Rather, we try to create a safe space, where they can feel protected and content, and when they are ready to speak we try to leverage their communication skills, encouraging them to describe how they feel. Once the underlying need is identified together, it will be easier to think about the solution and restore calm.
