There Affective dependencealso known as love addictionis one of the forms of behavioral dependence that most often intertwines with our emotional and relational life. Although it is not recognized as a specific disorder in DSM-5 (Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders), emotional dependence can have a significant impact on the psychological well -being of those who live it, like others New Addiction such as sexual dependence or compulsive shopping.
In this article we will explore What is emotional dependencehow to recognize it, what are its causes and different types, the link with toxic relationships and personality disorders, and above all how it is possible to overcome it with the right support.
What is emotional dependence?
Depending on someone is not, in itself, a problem. Indeed, it is part of our human nature: we are born in need of the care of others and we grow within bonds. But when this need becomes one dysfunctional method to be in relation, then we can find ourselves in front of one Affective dependence.
In essence, the love addiction is a form of dysfunctional behavior in which the relationship with the other becomes the only center of one’s existence. The dependent person develops a morbid attachmentputting the needs of the other always before one’s own, even when this, as the psychotherapist writes R. Norwood in his famous book Women who love too much“Greed up our emotional well -being, and perhaps also our health and our security”.
Those who live an emotional dependence tend to devote themselves to the other with total self -sacrifice, with the desire to become indispensable. Consequently, every minimal distance or inattention is experienced with a deep anguish, as a threat of abandonment. This scheme leads to aalteration of behaviora constant attempt to control emotions such as sadness and anxiety, which arise from the rooted fear of being refused.
Dependent love
When it comes to emotional dependencewe almost always think about love relationships. However, this dynamic It can also characterize a friendship or family bondas in the case of emotional dependence on the mother, who can also persist in adulthood.
At the basis of these relationships there is a binding does not. The search for the other is not motivated by a desire for sharing, but by the attempt to obtain a confirmation of one’s value and to fill a deep inner void. The person feels unworthy of love, but at the same time he has a desperate need.
This condition can emerge in various circumstances: after the end of a relationship, due to an unrequited love fed by a strong jealousy, or even in the relationship with one’s therapist. To better understand this complex reality, it is essential to learn to recognize the signals that characterize it.
How to recognize emotional dependence: symptoms
If you are wondering How to understand if it is emotional dependenceit is useful to know that signals can be psychological, behavioral and sometimes even physical. THE Symptoms of emotional dependence follow those of other behavioral addictions. Here are some of the most common alarm bells:
- Euphoria and fulfillment: you feel an intense sense of pleasure and completeness only when you are in the presence of the other person.
- Growing need of the other (tolerance): you feel the need to spend more and more time with your partner, sacrificing your spaces, hobbies and friendships.
- Abstinence crisis from person: the absence or distance of the partner triggers a deep malaise, which can manifest itself with physical symptoms As anxiety attacks, panic attacks, insomnia, but also with intense emotions as strong anger.
- Negative feelings: When you realize your dependence, they can emerge shameremorse and a profound sense of guilt towards the partner and oneself.
Within a psychological path, a professional can also use specific tools to evaluate the situation. In fact, there are questionnaires and Affective dependence testlike the affective dependence scale (ADS-9), which help to identify the most problematic components of the bond. It is important to remember that these tools are supporting clinical evaluation and do not replace the opinion of an expert.
IftThe typical behaviors of emotional dependence
But how does a person who lives an emotional dependence actually behaves? The affective dependencies They feed on some recurrent mental and behavioral patterns:
- Idealized romantic fantasies: The person takes refuge in an imaginary world to escape the sense of solitude and fear of refusal.
- Anxious attachment: The link with the other serves to appease the fear of abandonment and to compensate for a profound personal insecurity.
These emotional symptoms they translate into behaviors that they reflect on many aspects of daily life. Here are some examples of emotional dependence:
- Self -cancellation: There is no more space for your emotions or needswhich are systematically put aside to make room for those of the partner. This opens the door to emotional manipulation.
- Self -esteem delegated to the other: one’s own self-esteem it is strongly conditioned From the approval of the partner, seen as the only source of value and safety. When this link is stopped, insecurity can emerge overwhelmingly.
- Control and total dedication: each action is aimed at become indispensable for the otherin a constant attempt to prevent abandonment.
The causes of emotional dependence
Where does this profound need of the other come from? Often, the Causes of emotional dependence have roots in the experiences lived in the family of origin. During a therapeutic path, it is not uncommon to explore your past to understand what kind of child or girl you have been.
Analyze it infantile attachment style It is fundamental. If a child grows with very apprehensive parental figureswhich limit its autonomy, or with parents who offer a attitude of conditional acceptance (I love you if Do this), it can learn that in order to receive love, it must constantly adapt to the requests of others, putting aside their needs.
This dynamic, like the affective dependence on the mother, it can have causes and consequences Deep, bringing the person, once an adult, to seek in relationships the same scheme learned in childhood, in an attempt to finally obtain that unconditional love that missed it.
Types of emotional dependence
Affective dependence does not manifest itself in a single way. Can take different shades, outlining different profiles and behaviors. Based on the categories identified by the Love Addicts Anonymous association, we can distinguish some main types:
- Obsessive emotional dependence: The person is completely absorbed by the partner, from whom he cannot detach himself despite being able to suffer devaluing, controlling or abusive behaviors.
- Dependence on the report: In this case, the problem is not so much dependence on a specific person, as the inability to be alone. In order not to face the fear of solitude, one remains in a relationship even when love is over.
- Co-addiction: It is a dynamic in which both partners are dependent on each other, creating a dysfunctional interlocking. Often, the co-dependent person binds partners with other forms of dependence (from substances, gambling) or with personality disorders.
- Ambivalent affective dependence: typical of those who have a avoidant personality disorder, this form is characterized by an inner conflict: a huge need for love that clashes with a deep fear of intimacy. This can lead to looking for impossible loves or boycott sexuality and intimacy so as not to risk being injured.
Affective dependence and personality disorders
It is important not to confuse affective dependence with Some personality disorders with which he shares characteristics, but from which he differs in crucial aspects. For example, it may have common sections with the borderline personality disorder or the personality employee disorder.
The main difference lies in pervasiveness and awareness. Those who have a personality employee disorder show this scheme in almost every area of life (work, friendships, family), not only in sentimental relationships. In addition, personality disorders are often egosintonics: The person perceives his behaviors as an integral part of himself and does not recognize them as problematic.
In cases of emotional dependenceon the other hand, suffering is often selfishtonic: The person warns that there is something wrong, he feels discomfort and would like to change, even if he cannot do it. This is a fundamental point, because it is precisely this awareness that motivates the search for help.
A classic example is the relationship with a person with narcissistic traits: the dependent person can feel brought to “save” the partner, but in the long run it will suffer from the impossibility of ending an unsatisfactory bond. Understanding if it is love or addiction is one of the challenges that can be faced in a path of therapy, both individual and couple, also for the partner of the employee.
How to overcome affective dependence
Is it possible to get out of emotional dependence? The answer is yes. It is important, however, conceived the healing not as an immediate goal, but as a process of personal growth. This path starts from some fundamental passages:
- The recognition of the problem, accepting to live a relational scheme that causes suffering;
- there awareness of the consequences that this dynamic has on one’s life;
- there will to undertake a change To learn to build healthier relationships and not to depend emotionally on others.
On this journey, the psychotherapy represents precious support. A therapeutic path can be fundamental for:
- help understand the difference Between healthy love and addiction, to find a new balance;
- work on psychological mechanisms deep that feed the other’s need, strengthening their self -esteem;
- provide concrete tools for learn how to manage A relationship of dependence or how to relate to a person who suffers from it.
Affective dependence: therapeutic approaches
There are several effective psychotherapeutic approaches for emotional dependence, including therapy cognitive-constructivistthe short strategic therapy and therapy cognitive behavioralalso used by Unabravo’s online psychologists. Therapeutic work focuses on key areas:
- there Renovation of dysfunctional beliefs on himself, on his own value and on one’s amiability;
- there Management of emotions intense as the fear of solitude, refusal and abandonment;
- the development of theassertivenessthat is, the ability to recognize, express and assert one’s needs in a healthy way.
Techniques such as mindfulness for anxiety can be of great help to manage obsessive thoughts on the relationship, cultivating the awareness of one’s emotions and a more compassionate attitude towards oneself.
Sharing can also be a powerful healing tool. Participating in support groups or self-help groups, such as those of anonymous emotional employees, can offer a precious space for comparison and support.
If you feel you need a guide on this path, remember that you can count on the support of our network of professionals. A psychologist specialized in emotional dependence can accompany you in understanding the origins of this difficulty and to undertake the necessary steps to overcome it.
