Have you ever felt pulled in two opposite directions? To feel love and anger for the same person, or to intensely want a change and at the same time fear it? This experience, so common and deeply human, has a name: ambivalence.
In psychology, this term describes the coexistence of feelings, impulses or contradictory thoughts but of equal strength. It is not a question of simple indecision, but a real inner tension. In this article we will explore the meaning of ambivalenceas it manifests itself in our lives and relationships, and how we can learn to manage it to transform it from an obstacle to growth opportunities.
The meaning of ambivalence
When we talk about ambivalenceor of ambivalent behaviorwe refer to the simultaneous existence of contradictory feelings and attitudes – As love and hatred, attraction and repulsion – towards the same person, object or situation. It is a condition that goes beyond simple uncertainty, representing a real emotional rift.
The meaning of ambivalence finds its roots in the etymology of the word, which unites the Latin terms “Ambi“ (both) and “Valentia“ (Force). It perfectly describes the feeling of a ambivalent person: feeling “driven” by two internal forces of equal intensity but directed in opposite senses.
The concept was introduced in the clinical field in 1910 by Swiss psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler. He was the first to describe ambivalence as a psychic attitude in which two impulses or opposite feelings are addressed, at the same time, towards the same object, a milestone to understand the psychological meaning of ambivalence.
Ambivalence in Psychology
The psychological meaning of ambivalence resumes and deepens its general definition. In psychologytheambivalence It describes a state, which can be temporary or more stable, in which contrasting feelings coexist. This condition emerges from simultaneous presence of opposite drives – apparently irreconcilable – towards the same object. At a deeper level, it can arise from a conflict between unconscious processes, which then manifests itself as a contradiction on a conscious level, leaving us confused and divided.
Ambivalence is a common experience in humans. It is a mental state in which a person has conflicting feelings in relation to something.
All of usincluding children, We can experience an ambivalent attitude: we can experience positive and negative feelings for the same object at the same time. We like the meaning of a person’s humor but not his unreliability, or we appreciate the courage of a person but we think he has no compassion.
To better understand what it means to be ambivalent and where the inconsistency of certain attitudes is born, it is useful to analyze the three dimensions main in which the ambivalent behavior It can manifest itself:
- Cognitive dimension (of thought): it concerns the coexistence of conflicting beliefs and opinions. For example, you can be convinced of the benefits of a choice and, at the same time, be aware of all its disadvantages, generating inner topics that incorporate two opposite points of view.
- Emotional dimension (of emotions): is the field ofaffective ambivalencewhere opposite feelings coexist such as love and hatred, tenderness and anger, towards the same person.
- Behavioral dimension (or strong -willed): It manifests itself when there is an inconsistency between what you feel and what you do. For example, wanting the proximity of a person but act in order to remove it.
Ambivalence, therefore, often emerges as an inconsistency between this dimensions. A person can experience a strong feeling at an emotional level (positive value), but to implement removal behaviors (negative value), thus manifesting an attitude that can generate confusion both firsthand and in the loved one.
Emotional ambivalence
THE’emotional ambivalenceand in particular theaffective ambivalenceit emerges strongly in intimate and love relationships. It manifests itself when within us coexist emotions and opposite desires towards the partner: we can deeply love a person and, at the same time, to feel a strong resentment or great frustration towards him.
In these cases, Love and hate can be present with the same intensitycreating a dynamic that can wear both ourselves and the relationship. Living a bond that we feel being a source of both joy and pain is deeply destabilizing. A classic example of relationship in which ambivalence is often present is that between parent and child, where the need for affection and attachment can clash with the desire for independence and freedom.
How to recognize an ambivalent relationship?
The Relations dominated by ambivalence They can be a source of great confusion and suffering. Inside, moments of intense closeness and sharing alternate with periods of coldness and detachment, leaving partners in a constant state of uncertainty.
It is important to clarify that it is more correct to speak of ambivalent behaviors, thoughts or emotions rather than a real Ambivalent personality in love. This is not a label, but a way of working. Those who act in an ambivalent way could send discontinuous signals of interest, feeding hopes in the partner and then retracting themselves, a dynamic reminiscent of practices such as Broadcrumbing.
These dynamics refer not only to romantic and sexual links, but also to other forms of relationships in which a strong emotional value comes into play: between Intimate friends, colleagues, business partners, teachers and students, between brothers, between parents and children, even between therapists and patients.
The causes of affective ambivalence
But what are the Causes of affective ambivalence? The roots of this emotional state can be complex. Often, ambivalence is linked to a deep Difficulty in making a choice and in make decisions. This decision -making paralysis can derive from an inner conflict between one’s desires and values imposed by society, culture or family.
At a deeper level, many psychologists identify one of the main causes of ambivalence in the unconscious fear of making a mistake. The choice of one direction implies the renunciation of another, and this potential loss can be so frightening that it preferred to remain in a state of immobility, even if painful.
IftPathological ambivalence: an “ambivalent disorder”?
If, as we have seen, a certain dose of emotional ambivalence It is part of human experience, it is also true that in some contexts it can become a clinically relevant symptom. In the psychopathological field, a pervasive and paralyzing ambivalence can be one of the central elements of some Neurosis and personality disorderssuch as dependent disorder or borderline disorder.
Often, at the basis of these difficulties, a style of ambivalent attachment (also known as Ambivalent anxious attachment or ambivalent insecuro) developed during childhood.
Ambivalent attachment
In the style of ambivalent attachment, The caregiver (the reference figure) responds unpredictable and contradictoryly to the needs of the child. Sometimes it can be available and affectionate, other times distant, refusing or excessively intrusive. This inconstancy generates deep confusion and insecurity in the child.
Consequently, the child internalizes a split image of the parent, who is simultaneously a source of love and frustration. To protect itself from this anguish, it can develop defense mechanisms such as the split (typical of the borderline personality disorder), or the tendency to see others and themselves as or all good ‘or’ all bad ‘. This dynamic can lead to a ambivalent attachment in love also in adulthood.
When does ambivalence become a problem?
Ambivalence is a natural part of life, but when we cannot recognize it and give it a name, it can become a problem. If this inner tension has no access to ours awarenesscan manifest itself through a series of signals, such as:
- Decision -making stall: The classic feeling of “I never know what to choose”, which paralyzes in the face of small and large decisions.
- Oscillating movements: a continuous alternation between desire and effort, which leads to start projects with enthusiasm and then abandon them shortly after.
- Inner confusion: a persistent uncertainty about what you really want from life, work or relationships (“I don’t know what I want”).
- Contradictory behavior: act in an opposite way to what is said or feels, creating bewilderment in themselves and in others.
- Inexplicable impulsiveness: make drastic and sudden choices, how can you fire or close a relationship, and then ask yourself “But why did I do it?”.
In this state of poor awareness, a person can live a profound inconsistencystruggling to get in touch with their emotions and authentic needs. To escape the conflict, he can get to deny or repress one of the two ‘parties’ of himself, ending up perceiving his experience in a distorted and incomplete way.
But why is it so difficult to accept your ambivalence? Often, at the basis of this effort you can find some recurring themes:
- a difficulty in defining and recognizing one’s needs
- an effort to give them priorities and to let go or choose
- a vision of choices as points of no return
- a waste between the Self – and the Ideal self
- The presence of rigid beliefs.
How to treat ambivalence: therapy
A classic example of ambivalence, which we almost all experience, is the one against the change. How many times have we found ourselves thinking:
- “I want to change AND I don’t want to change “;
- “I wish to change AND I’m afraid to change. “
In these cases, The goal of therapy It is not to eliminate or ‘cure’ ambivalence, but learn to manage it. It is a path for appoint it, recognize it and accept it as part of himself, thus reducing the anguish that derives from it. A therapist can help welcome both contradiction poles, working on several fronts:
- welcome the experiences of the person in front of the conflict, without judgment;
- explore both feelings or desires, giving each one the same dignity and importance;
- Helping to understand how this internal ambivalence conditions conditions and daily behaviors.
The importance of asking for help
If you don’t know how to deal with ambivalence autonomously, do not hesitate to contact a professional. You can ask, at any time, the support of one of our online psychologists who will be able to guide you and accompany you on the path to healing.
To find out more about ambivalence we recommend reading the essay “Ambivalence and ambiguity in emotional breaks“By Riccardo Dalla Luche and Simone Bertacca, a useful orientation tool for those who study the complex world of emotional relationships.
