Assertiveness: how to develop assertive communication

Talk about assertiveness It may seem simple, but in reality it is like describing the art of a trapezist: a delicate balance of different skills. Have you ever felt unheeded, to struggle to say no or to express your opinion for fear of the conflict? If these questions resonate you, you are in the right place. In this article we will explore together the meaning of assertiveness and how to put it into practice.

The path to assertiveness starts from a deep inner work. The first step is know yourself welcoming honesty their strengths and fragility, to get to appreciate with a realistic vision And kind. But assertiveness does not only look at the interior; It is a two -way dance. For this it is fundamental develop empathythat is, the ability to tune in to the emotions of others and to understand the impact that our communication has on others. It is the delicate balance between self -listening and listening to the other.

What is assertiveness?

In psychology, the assertive behavior It is the ability to choose a style of communication that is effective for us and respectful for those in front of us, depending on the context and our goals. As the psychologist Paul Watzlawick showed us in his studies on the pragmatic of communication, “one cannot fail to communicate”. Every our gesture, silence or word sends a message. For this, be aware not only of the verbal contentbut also of all method With which we express it, it is the first step for a more effective communication.

In simple words, the meaning of assertiveness It is the ability to affirm one’s opinions and emotions without trampling on those of others. But what really comes to our interlocutor when we talk? Psychologist Albert Mehrabian studied the impact of the different communication channels, discovering that words are only the tip of the iceberg:

• There non -verbal communication (body language, posture, facial expressions) has the greatest impact, with ainfluence of 55%.
• There Paraverbal communication (the way we speak: tone, volume and rhythm of the item) It affects 38%.
• The words, that is the verbal content of our message, they only count for 7%.

Characteristics of an assertive person

Assertiveness is a harmony between social skills, rationality and emotion. But, concretely, how to be assertive? What are the behaviors and intentions that define a person with a style of assertive communication? Here are some distinctive traits:

• Listen to be careful and the othersbut it does not let itself be conditioned.
• Possess a Good self-esteem and feed self -confidence and in others.
• Show good Leadership qualities
• Be motivating e not prevaricatebut inspire.
• Fulfill Autonomous choices and take full responsibility for one’s actions.
• Defend your ideas calmly and firmly, always in respect of those of others.
• Actively seek constructive compromisesstarting from an attitude of mutual respect.

The assertive body language: how gestures speak for us

A assertive behavior manifests itself not only with words, but also and above all through the body language. Our body, in fact, constantly communicates our inner state. Being assertive means aligning what we feel with what we show. A key element is the Direct eye contact It is serene, which transmits security and allows one correct assessment of realitywithout filters or prejudices. The non -verbal signals of an assertive person include:

• posture
• mimicry
• gesture
• the tone of voice

A assertive posture is open It is relaxed, with straight but not rigid shoulders, communicating welcome and safety. Facial mimicry is consistent with the emotions experienced, appearing authentic and transparent. There gesture accompanies the speech naturally, helping a emphasize the most important points without being intrusive. Finally, the tone of voice It is a crucial element: in one assertive communicationAnd calm, clear and firmperfectly aligned with the content of the message.

Assertiveness in relationships: find balance with others

To better understand what it means to be an assertive person, it can be useful to explore his opposites. If you often find yourself undergoing the decisions of others or keeping silent for quiet living, you could tend to a attitude anassencer or passive. If, on the contrary, you feel the need to impose your ideas at any cost, your style could be more aggressive. Assertiveness is the middle ground, the path of balance.

In relational dynamics, especially the most complex ones, assertiveness becomes a protection tool. Sometimes we talk about “assertive indifference “: It is not a question of coldness, but a strategic choice to protect one’s emotional space, for example avoiding exposing yourself with a manipulator partner. Develop a assertive behavior it is crucial to build autonomy in contexts of emotional dependence or to learn to close a relationship without wounding the other unnecessarily, avoiding practices such as ghosting.

Your assertive rights: a reminder to keep in mind

Sometimes, to be assertive, we only need the permission to do it. Inquiring one’s rights is the first step to act with safety and respect. Consider this list as a solid base on which to build yours assertive communication. Here is the decalogue of assertive rights:

1. I can have different ideas and opinions from those of others, but I can’t impose mine
2. I can ask that my ideas are listened to, but not necessarily shared
3. I can request that other people meet my needs, but do not demand it
4. I can say no without feeling guilty
5. I can try to express my emotions in a assertive way
6. I can make mistakes in good faith
7. I can change my mind
8. I can have different needs from those of other people
9. I can say “I didn’t understand”
10. I can be myself even if sometimes I am different from how others think

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How to develop assertiveness: techniques and practical examples

Switching from theory to practice requires training. Develop a assertive communication It means cultivating a flexible and open mental attitude. Let’s think of a teacher assertive: will be able to exercise empathy, negotiate compromises and offer constructive criticisms, improving the relationship with pupils and colleagues. To start, we can focus on some key principles:

• Avoid imposing your ideas, but propose them safely.
• Listen to the active reasons of the other, even if we do not share them.
• Recognize your right not to agree and say ‘no’ without guilt.
• Always keep an attitude of profound respect for itself and for the interlocutor.

Assertive communication: some examples to start

Now let’s see some examples of assertive communication to understand How to be assertive in everyday situations. These are small exercises to train our assertive ‘muscle’.

Imagine this scene: someone has prepared lunch for you but you are not hungry. An assertive response, which expresses your state without devaluing the other’s gesture, could be: “I really appreciate the effort you made, but at this moment I am not hungry. I’ll eat later, thanks!“.

Or, in a discussion between colleagues with different opinions, instead of keeping silent or attacking, an assertive person could say: “Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I find it interesting. On this point, however, the rest of my opinion“.

Here you are Other examples of assertive sentences that you can try to use:

• Instead of “so it is ugly”, try with: “Personally, I feel that it is not so suitable for me”.
• Instead of “you are incompetent”, you can say: “I wish we explored other alternatives together”.
• Instead of “you have to do this because it is the right way”, ask: “What do you think if we tried to do this?”.

When assertiveness is difficult: how can psychotherapy help

Develop a assertive behavior On their own it can be difficult, especially if our communication habits have been rooted for some time. In these cases, psychotherapy can offer a safe and support space. Approaches such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (TCC) include specific Asssertiveness training To train new methods of interaction.

Within the relationship with a psychologist or psychotherapist, you can learn to communicate their emotional states and needs In a protected and non -judgmental environment, receiving constructive feedback. Therapy becomes a sort of relational ‘gym’.

Group paths are also very effective. Through techniques such as role playingyou learn to speak openly of one’s emotions without being inhibited from the fear of judgment, By training the ability to say no and to manage complex conversations in a more serene way.

The benefits of an assertive lifestyle: what changes inside and outside us

Adopt a style of assertive communication It brings tangible benefits, both in the short and long term. Research shows that a greater satisfaction is immediately experienced in expressing one’s needs and desires, feeling more protagonists in their relationships.

Over time, these changes consolidate. The sense of self -efficacythat is, the trust in one’s ability to achieve the objectives. It increases tolerance to frustration and learn to manage conflicts constructively, building more authentic and equal relationships.

Ultimately, working on goodness means actively investing to build one’s own psychological well -being. It is a path that requires practice and patience. If you feel you need a guide on this personal growth trip, the support of a professional can make a difference. A psychologist with a cognitive behavioral approach, for example, can provide you with the right tools. With UnaBravo, you can find the most suitable therapist for you among thousands of online psychologists. The first cognitive interview is free and will allow you to understand, together with the professional, if it is the right path for you.