Knowing how to say “no” is equally important that knowing how to say “yes”, and in both cases the difference are the communication strategies that we decide to use with our children
The “yes” and “no” that the parents pronounce every day have a fundamental regulatory function for children. If used with awareness and expression of educational intentionality, both are essential to growth: thanks to them, in fact, we offer them clear and punctual information that allow them to orient themselves in the world and effectively regulate their conduct. Despite this, many parents encounter difficulties in managing “yes” and “no”.
Learn to say no
Historically, our society has gone from a patriarchal model, in which parents-child relationships were marked by the rigidity and blind respect of the authority, to an empathic model and focused on listening to needs, in which often, however, in fear of hurting children, adults struggle to define stable limits or pronounce “no”. Maybe you want to avoid giving them disappointments or even fear of dealing with conflicting situations that could derive from them. Whatever the basic reason, the adult prey of these dynamics is in core in the production of elaborate explanations in an attempt to oppose the requests of the child, without however being able to pronounce a clear and understandable refusal. It is of fundamental importance to understand that, if well used, the “no”, like “yes”, constitutes a precious help for the child. A right and intelligent ban can in fact represent support in the exercise of individual freedom and help the little one develop the ability to tolerate frustration, without all affecting the quality of the relationship.
Communicate correctly
In fact, a fundamental role is assumed by the chosen communication strategies. We tend to associate the “yes” to a relaxed, smiling face expression with a kind voice. The “no” instead immediately evokes a contracted face, the hard voice, a severe look. In reality, both the “yes” and the “no” can be pronounced in a respectful and calm way. It may seem difficult to maintain a certain expressive control in certain situations, but it is good to keep in mind that A calm but firm and decisive voice is much more effective than any scolded. In the first case, in fact, we give the child the opportunity to listen carefully to what we say, simultaneously transmitting all the seriousness of the message through the tone of voice used. It should be remembered that the one pronounced must always be a “no” to a specific behavior/request, and never to the relationship. Safeguarding the link with the child, even in stress or conflict situations, allows you to keep that connection indispensable to him active to feel understood (albeit “hindered”) and thus overcome the momentary frustration, in the certainty of being always loved.
Avoid excesses
However, it is good to underline that the excess of “no” is as dangerous as much as that of “yes”. If the child feels continuous denials, they risk losing meaning and value. Very often we tend to say “no” to the a priori child, automatically or arbitrary. In everyday life fatigue, frenetic rhythms and commitments do not always allow you to have time to focus what is necessary to act with due awareness. Thus we end up putting more or less strong prohibitions, which, however often (perhaps following the insistence of the child and the sense of guilt they arise) they end up transforming themselves in a short time in concessions. If the adult himself is not sure of the reasons for the “no”, how can he support him in front of the child? Instead of responding automatically, it would be good to indulge in a few moments and ask yourself: “What drives me to say yes/no to your request?”. The invitation is therefore to carefully evaluate, situation by situation, when to say “yes” and when instead “no”.
To determine the answer, the desire to satisfy the child must be not so much, as an effective analysis of the context, of the skills of which he is in possession and of the possible, real, danger of the action. Better to reserve the “no” for those moments when it is really necessary, for example when the child’s actions risk causing damage to his own person, others or the environment. If, for example, we see our fifteen month old child try to put an object in the electrical socket, it does not make sense to intervene with long and articulated explanations regarding the danger of the current, too complex to be understood at that age. Better to interrupt that action in a firm but still lovable way, accepting and accompanying the possible frustration unleashed by the ban, but without giving in the importance of the same.
Do not fear negative reactions
It is not possible to prevent children from reacting negatively in the face of the ban on doing what they want. However, it is possible to support them in accepting the “no” and the feeling that derives from it, using an empathic and competent language, firm but respectful, certainly never aggressive. If a two -year -old boy manifests the will to cross the way alone at a pedestrian crossing, it will be the duty of the parent to understand that this is not possible for personal safety issues and prohibit him calmly but absolutely firmly: “No. I understand that you are angry but I can’t afford to do this ». To make the “no” change in “yes” and vice versa, it will have to be not the volubability of the adult, but the awareness that the child has made progress and can therefore manage the situation in a competent way (such as that of the pedestrian crossing). Fundamental burden of adult is therefore to be a responsible guide for the childcapable of evaluating situations effectively and offering adequate and constant limits over time.
Consistency is the key word. Before expressing herself, it is always good that the parent has a clear idea of what can be allowed and what, however, cannot be granted. In general, parents can discuss this a priori, working a lot also to the preparation of the child’s environment, so that it is safe and its measure (thus limiting the need for continuous “no”). It is good that the limits established, as far as possible, are kept fixed over time and shared by all the people who take care of taking care of the child (not only parents but also grandparents, the nanny …), in order to respond to the fundamental need for order and orientation of young children.
The freedom of the child
As Maria Montessori teaches, the free child is not the one in the condition of doing everything he wants. This incorrect interpretation of the concept of freedom risks throwing the educational relationship in chaos, preventing the parent from exercising its responsible driving function and child to adequately develop the will and self -discipline. Through the right and consistent limits, parents can guide their children by determining the boundaries of experiences, until, progressively, they will not become able to self -regulate. Freedom and limits: this is the delicate balance on which a good educational relationship is based. Working every day, with consistency, dedication and patience, is possible. Let the child be your teacher.
