In private as well as in work, it happens sooner or later to have to tell others that something annoys us. We often retain what we would like to say and then burst, with inevitable damage for the relationship. Or instead of communicating directly, we just make ironic observations. And when we are turning a criticism, instead of paying attention, sometimes we do not allow the other to even conclude the speech and the various attempts to criticize often degenerate into strong quarrels.
Instead, the criticism, when conveyed in such a way as not to diminish the other as a person, when it does not communicate contempt and hostility, when it is correctly motivated and offers alternatives, it appears to be a form of assertive communication of extreme utility. From an assertive point of view, the criticisms that we address to our environment must tend to decrease tensions, that is, they must evolve the situation in a realistic and satisfactory way for both sides.
Criticism management is a situation in which to implement assertive communication is particularly difficult. In fact, criticisms are difficult to accept. Receiving a criticism and managing it at best can be in many social situations a test bench: those who react aggressively can offer themselves an image of an insecure and immature person and those who, in the face of a criticism, exceed in passive and self -highlighting behaviors, certainly does not come out well from the situation.
A criticism should be able to change a situation at best, favoring a collaboration and favoring the knowledge of the other’s point of view on the way of acting of those in front of us.
The criticism should be made so as not to offend the person, avoiding to sink the interlocutor by creating unjust feelings of guilt and must not take away the possibility of an answer. In our culture we are used to thinking that criticizing people, even in a punitive way, contributes to their growth. A person who binds his self -esteem to the approval that shows her colleagues, friends and family, have a strong discomfort in front of criticism. The negative emotions experienced in those situations can be of such strength and pervasiveness, to be put in the person in serious difficulties in reflecting and acting.
We can therefore distinguish the criticisms in constructive, aggressive and manipulative.
Constructive or assertive criticisms report in a positive, useful and effective way what does not work. They are motivated, that is, the “why” is explained that specific critical specific. They are expressed in concrete terms and with precise references, aimed at solving difficulties and problems, in order to modify the individual’s behavior in a specific situation. They are aimed at behavior and not to the person, therefore they put the subject in the conditions to reflect their way of acting without feeling devalued and offended. Offer alternatives of behavior. They do not define the other as incapable, they do not diminish it or disconnect.
On the contrary, the criticisms are aggressive or manipulative when the intention, more or less explicit, of attacking the interlocutor prevails in them. Aggressive criticisms are a real expression of violence: those who put in place raises their voices and sometimes situations can be verified in which you come to the hands. Finally, manipulative criticisms can be described as a form of aggression that acts on the victim from the inside. They put the person in the condition of not having to betray the expectation of those who criticize. They are generic, totalizing, unjustified, referring to the person and not to behavior; They have the purpose of exercising a control over the behavior of the other but above all on feelings making the sense of guilt, anxiety, sense of helplessness and ignorance live. They can also create a deep and lasting negative effect on the self -esteem of those who receive them.
So to make a constructive criticism in a assertive way it is good to declare the topic of criticism and speak personally, explicitly explicit the behavior of the criticism, expressing the discomfort and making the request. It is useful to remember to criticize behavior and not the person and its value, keeping attention on the problem and not on the interlocutor, otherwise the criticism becomes aggressive.
To this end, three stages can be identified:
- Description of the event: “You arrived late“;
- expression of the discomfort: “I worried“;
- Request for change: “I would like that when it happens I warned me of the delay“.
