Relations: indispensable resource
Man has always been considered a “social animal” and as such it has instincts, first of all that of establishing relationships. The reason for this basic instinct is “nothing else” than survival itself: We all need precious people who will support us and protect us along the difficulties of life.
Having a good couple relationship therefore represents a fundamental protective factor for our health and well -being. It is important to protect our couple’s well -being, learning and becoming primarily aware of what are the ingredients necessary to keep our relationships in balance.
Couple balance: needs
There are 2 basic basic needs for the human being. The need for attachmentfor which we seek connection with others and a sense of belonging and the need to autonomythe need to express ourselves and be respected in the world around us.
It is possible to imagine these two needs such as two legs who support us and with whom we walk. If we act only pushed by one of the two needs we feel “unbalanced”.
How often does it happen to prefer compliance to “protect our relationship”? How often we say “this time I do as I want regardless of what others will think?”.
In couples these two needs “Danzano“And they constantly look for a balance.
Couple balance: emotions
When both of our primary needs are satisfied, we feel happy and satisfied.
When instead we walk “unbalanced“And one of our primary needs is not satisfied we begin to perceive so -called” negative “emotions.
“Anger”, “fear”, “sadness” or “disgust” are real alarm bells that point us out that within our relationship one of our needs has not been welcomed.
Fear And Sadness They reflect moments in which we do not feel enough contact with the other or in which we perceive a threat that compromises our relationship. Anger And Disgust They appear when we do not feel respected or we see that the other does not recognize us value.
Couple balance: behaviors
Each of us has strategies for manage negative emotions who appear in the couple relationship. These depend on our life history, on how and how much they have worked in the past and how they continue to work.
To relate to others we have 3 main options available:
- We dominate the other (struggle);
- We submit to the other (yield);
- We choose the escape route and call ourselves outside the confetti (avoidance).
Interpersonal cycles
Each couple works in a specific way. One of the most recent and effective couple psychotherapies, the couple therapy scheme, says that, depending on how these ingredients they are structured inside the couple, they create some Interpersonal “cycles” more or less functional. These keep the couple’s bond in a more or less stable way.
To understand how these elements integrate into a cycle, let’s take an example. A partner (a) focused on his need for autonomy, which tends to be self -centered and I am not very waiting for the needs of the other can have a partner (B) who submits to satisfy his need for care and for fear of losing the relationship or a partner (C) that will try to make his value recognize and constantly establish conflicts.
None of these scenarios is in itself dysfunctional, as long as there is flexibility and as long as the strategies we put in place allow us to manage Our negative emotions and to satisfy the most important needs for us at a certain moment.
Faced with a drastic change in one’s life habits, however, it is possible that the dance That we usually do to stay in balance is interrupted and a new “adaptation” is necessary.
Changes in the management of relationships
When the couple habits that we have daily undergo a change even the strategies we use need to adapt.
For example, if the interpersonal distance that we usually keep is drastically reduced or increased, it is possible that the way we manage the differences of our relationship stops working.
Take for example a period of separation or a period in which we find ourselves spending much more time together: in all these cases we have to adapt.
Adapt to change
In biology, theadaptation It is the ability of the bodies to change their habits to “adapt” to the environment in which they live. If the environment changes, it is necessary to change your habits, as well as your own Strategies in the face of problems.
Let’s do some examples:
- A couple in which a partner usually uses the struggleis directed and discusses firmly while the other avoid The comparison is “escapes” (also literally, e.g. leaves the house), to reappear and praise. If the possibility of separating is reduced or absent (for more or less controllable reasons), the couple will find itself living a “new” clash condition in which the conflict will continue more than usual.
- A couple accustomed to the clash, in which both partners struggle They can struggle to reconcile if they find themselves managing the “post-conflict” by themselves, in distant places. In this case, the emotional and passionate glimmer that is created in the “hot” climate of the conflict and which can favor reconciliation is lacking.
It is necessary to “adapt”, evolve as a couple and experience new ways, even more functional than the previous ones, to manage their relationship.
Self -awareness
To adapt it is essential to have awareness of one’s needsof one’s emotions and behaviors (or strategies) that we usually use to interact with others.
Our life history has taught us that some of our needs are more “acceptable” and others are more “dangerous”. To understand this concept, just think of how often we get angry or “do not get angry” and how often we allow ourselves to cry in public and show our most vulnerable parts.
Depending on our life experiences and as the others they reacted when we have tried to express our needs, it will be more or less easy for us to continue doing it in the present.
Find the “blocked parts”
When by resuming the model of the Couple Therapy schemelet’s see how when we cannot tell us that it “it is right” to satisfy one of our needs, one part It remains “blocked” of us.
For example, if I learned that sadness makes me appear weak and it can make me devalue (and maybe abandon) on the other, every time I feel wounded I am looking for “do not hear“That sadness and that pain. In this way mine Vulnerable part remains “blocked”not expressed.
If over time we have learned to manage this block and that, for example by showing us hard and angry (fight) or by changing the subject (avoidance), it is possible that no longer have “space“To put these strategies into practice, it produces a remarkable imbalance in the couple.
It is possible identify our “blocked parts” By asking ourselves simple questions: “How does it make me feel what’s going on?” “What do I feel”?. Sometimes anger is the strategy because sadness is blocked.
It includes how we are made and what is really happening to us helps us find more functional strategies to resolve conflicts.
Understand conflicts
Although little known, numerous research has long been highlighted that couples do not separate due to the number of conflicts that live. Why?
As we have seen in the previous paragraphs, the conflicts, which we can also call “comparisons” if we see them in a more functional perspective, are one of the ways in which we manage our relationship and often help (or should help) to satisfy our needs.
In the same perspective theavoidance of the conflict It is equally a strategy, which, for example, makes us feel “safe” with respect to abandonment and at the end of the relationship.
Recognizing that I am having a conflict, becoming aware of the reason why it is happening (finding the “blocked part”) is a very important starting point.
Know our “blocked part” and show it to the other It is one of the most effective actions. Why? Because if I do not allow the other to “see“My sadness, the other cannot react to my sadness and cannot take care of it.
Reconcile after the conflict: the “Connect Talk”
A factor that testifies to couple well -being is the ability to reconcile after the conflict. Psychotherapeutic models have described various techniques to facilitate the reconciliation process.
A effective technique widely used in the approach of the couple therapy scheme is the “Connect Talk “.
In the “Connect talk” The two partners organize an appointment in which to speak for about 30 minutes of a specific problem, which caused conflicts and suffering in the couple. The exercise provides for the following steps:
- The problematic situation comes described objectively;
- one of the two partners speaks of his personal experience, expressing emotions and also communicating through his “blocked part”
- The listening partner repeat what he has heard and is corrected until there is no agreement on what emerged
- Roles are reversed
Through several steps, this procedure means that, over time, both partners feel listened to and more connected. An atmosphere of acceptance will be established and the couple will begin to abandon their “culture of conflict”.
Stay in balance in the couple relationship
To stay in balance within our relationship there are two indispensable ingredients, which contribute in an equal way to make us perceive that serenity of couple that we often try to grab without result:
- Interact positively with the partner
- Have spaces to dedicate to yourself
Increase positive interactions
According to many theorists, including Jhon Gottman, what is truly indispensable is that every conflict is compensated by at least 5 positive exchanges among the partners.
What really matters is therefore the ability of partners to have positive interactions, to exchange words of admiration and support, looks of understanding and compassion and gestures that make them feel connected.
Give Positive feedback to the partner at least once a day and spend an evening, half day together by choosing an activity to be carried out together alone can be a good process to increase the well -being of the couple
Personal space: let’s not forget it
Dealing personal spaces within a relationship is not a simple concept: it can become an attempt to escape from the conflict (avoidance) or it can be interpreted as a clear sign of disinterest, detachment and self -centeredness.
As reported at the beginning of this article, one creates a “Dance” of needs who tend towards balance. Just in order not to interrupt the harmony of this dance it is essential to never forget that we are “individual” as well as “individuals in pairs”.
Everyone is needed one autonomous spaceintimate, a moment of connection with himself and with his own identity.
Being aware of it, recognizing its importance and expressing it to the partner in a compassionate way are the necessary ingredients so that we can meet our need, without misunderstandings.
As for much more, The first step is always the awareness of ourselves.
