There fear of abandonment It is a common fear and it is possible to identify its origins in our childhood. It is normal for a small child to experience alarm if the adult who takes care of him walks away. And it is also normal that the child, consequently, acts behaviors oriented towards the satisfaction of the need for closeness with it.
Repeated experiences of tuning within the relationship between child and adult of reference will have a positive impact on the development of many functions of the child. Among these, even those responsible for the ability to be able to gradually tolerate separations.
Why are we afraid of being abandoned as adults?
In the history of people who recurrently experience the fear of being abandoned it is possible to identify Experiences of abandonmentinstability and loss in childhood.
These usually concern a parent or in any case a very significant person for the child. For example, they can include a serious illness, a serious accident, death or other events that have involved an important removal.
However, it is not said that it is necessary to experiment with events of this type to develop an intense fear of abandonment which also remains in adulthood. It is in fact known how repeated experiences of unsuitable tuning of the figures who take care of the child with the child himself can prepare to experiment separation anxiety in evolutionary age e fear of being abandoned in adulthood.
Fear of abandonment: what consequences?
For some people the fear of being abandoned It manifests itself as a constant in all intimate relationships or in most of them. This fear is usually associated with the feeling that important people are unstable or unreliable. For this reason they will not continue over time to offer support, support, presence and affection, abandoning the person or even “replacing” her with someone else “better” of her.
This experience is associated with the inability to be able to take into consideration the possibility that relationships can end, that the other can move away, or even leave us. Thus, any behavior of the person will be oriented to maintenance of the relationshipperhaps in the belief that this means “loving”.
However, when this Fear abandon It is very intense, it becomes extremely difficult to be able to “see” the other really for what it is in reality and to be able to appreciate its real qualities or defects. Thus an important necessary requirement is missing in order to be able to choose it (or not) as a partner and to feel authentic love for him. In fact, what prevails in these cases is the objective of avoiding the “in itself” separation event which, lived as abandonmentIt would generate extremely painful emotions.
The methods of managing the fear of being abandoned
All these dynamics imply the fact that intimate relationships are associated with thoughts (sometimes experienced as certainty) relating to the fact that each relationship will still be inexorably destined to end. And this can lead to being terrified of the idea of binding to someone. Thus, a first consequence of the presence of intense fear of abandonment It may be to not really bind to others, avoiding any intimate relationship.
If instead a person who experiences a strong fear of abandonment It binds to someone usually it is possible to find two different scenarios.
In the first, the fear of being abandoned could lead “paradoxically” to the choice of unstable partners, unreliable or in any case not very willing to engage in the relationship, thus ending up confirming and feeding the fear itself.
In the second scenario, however, the person can experience a stable relationship. However, the belief that important emotional relationships will not last, could still lead her to live constantly with the feeling and fear that the other will leave. This implies being able to experiment constant concernsassociated with levels of more or less intense subjective suffering. These generally increase exponentially in intensity when episodes occur that are interpreted as confirmation of the potential feared abandonment.
Emotions and behaviors associated with abandonment fear
These events can be real (a partner’s delay in returning home), imagined (imagine the partner with a friend), or concern the completely distorted interpretation of completely “normal” events. It generally dominates obsessive jealousy. In all three cases, consequences such as anxiety, fear, anguish, intense pain until the feeling of pieces, nightmares, brooding and rumination can be manifested.
In addition, the probability of adopting behaviors oriented to monitor and mitigate the threat e prevent feared abandonment (such as requests for continuous reassurances to the partner). These “paradoxically” will increase the probability that the partner really move away by confirming and feeding, once again, the initial fear abandoned.
What to do to manage the fear of abandonment?
First suggestion
The first step It is necessary to be able to do something useful and functional is the awareness of how certain mechanisms work. It is necessary to understand what is happening in one’s relationships and why.
Second suggestion
The second step Instead, it includes acting in the present so that certain relational methods do not constantly reactivate. So, do something to change and concretely change our action, especially in relationships. This implies the making, in everyday life, of the dynamics that are activated. It is necessary to take a step back to be able to experiment, albeit with difficulty, new behavioral methods. Something alternative to what, automatically, we would have the tendency to implement.
For example, in a situation in which the partner is late without warning, it may be useful to train to recognize one’s thoughts and emotions that derive from it. You can then choose to adopt behaviors that are more functional for himself (and perhaps for the relationship itself).
Third step
Another step to be able to take is that of exposegradually, to the most feared situations and sensations. Sometimes the fear of the other’s removal is also linked to the fear of not being able to get it alone. It can therefore be useful to have experiences alone that allow us to make us feel more competent and autonomous. That increase our sense of personal effectiveness.
Fourth suggestion
If in our relational history we have often had the tendency to cancel us to align ourselves to what were the wishes of others, it is important to learn to really know each other as individuals. We need to rediscover yourself (who am I today? What do I really like? What do I need? What don’t I like?).
Fifth suggestion
Finally, it is important to learn to take care of yourselfof one’s sense of emptiness and their vulnerabilities and to “feed”, regardless of the other.
All these processes, allowing us to see ourselves better (and the other) for what we really have, become important even in order to be able to experience a relationship that is truly satisfying and satisfactory.
Conclusions
If the fear of abandonment And the sensations associated with it are intense will hardly be able to disappear completely. Thus, it becomes useful to learn to give them space, not striving to move them away. This becomes important because trying to remove certain sensations exposes the risk of hearing them “more”. Instead, it is possible to learn to “live” with them but acting anyway, as aware adults and responsible for our well -being, towards a life that is full and significant for us, despite their presence.
Being aware of certain mechanisms and engaging in a path of change can lead to modifications, even very relevant, in the intensity with which certain sensations and emotions are experienced. It is not easy to experiment in such different ways from what we are used to. And it is not easy to tolerate the emotions that this entails. Psychotherapy can be a useful means of increasing the awareness of certain dynamics, to give them a meaning. It helps to contain the painful emotional experiences that accompany them and experiment in new ways, despite the understandable fear.
Bibliography
ARNTZ, A. & Jacob G. (2001). Schematherapie in Der Praxis. Beltz (trad. It.: Therapy scheme in action: theory and practice. Sassari: Institute of Cognitive Editore Sciences, 2013)
