Fear of refusal: how to deal with it

The fear of refusal

During life, each of us happened to Receive a refusal. One of the first things you learn, in fact, is that others do not always choose us as friends, partners or collaborators.

In psychological terms, the fear of refusal O sensitivity to refusal is a person’s arrangement. It is assimilable to a stretch of personality, which manifests itself with an anxious and persistent expectation of being refused. It provides for hypersensitivity to perceive the refusal at the very moment in which it takes place and with intense emotional reactions following the event (Downey & Feldman, 1996).

In other words, the high sensitivity to refusal It is characterized by an intense concern for situations, real or presumed, in which we are exposed to refusal or criticisms. This involves hyper-cost compared to social signals and an extreme tuning on the emotional states of others.

Hyper-sensitivity to social signals

In social contexts, such as groups or conversations, those who fear refusal feel a state of alarm. This makes them hyper-sensible to any mention of disapproval (Meehan et al., 2018).

This operation is similar to that of a sonar that through sound waves can identify the dangers. If the tool is not very sensitive, the person does not realize the disapproval of others, but if on the contrary it is very sensitive, it will be able to give rise to false positives. In other words, the person will read how signs of refusalcomments or observations that do not intend to be critical.

The consequence of this hyper-sensitivity is the generation of a vicious circle that worsens the interaction. In fact, the strong expectation of being refused pushes the person to keep himself distant and silent. This generates a mirror reaction in the other. At that point, the person who fears refusal It will read the distance of the other as the proof of not being appreciated by increasing the degree of withdrawal from the relationship.

Unfortunately, what seems like a good strategy (coldness of the other personal-sharedness) can give rise to misunderstandings. In fact, the concern for the judgment can lead the person to interpret as coldness even states of the interlocutor suffering. It is thus arose, if not annoying, and insensitive to the emotional state of the other.

The nucleus of fear of refusal

The core of the problem seems to be the difficulty in generating alternative explanations to the emotional state of the other. In those who fear the refusal, the suffering of the other is caused by one’s inadequacy and, therefore, is interpreted as a refusal.

This vicious circle is highlighted in many, if not all, the relationships of those who have a high sensitivity to refusal. Of this dynamic is an example a study conducted on some couples by Downey and collaborators (1998).

Following a conflict with his partner, women with high sensitivity to refusal perceived the less welcoming and more withdrawn partner in the following days. This did not happen to those with low sensitivity to refusal. At that point, these women were more likely to retire in turn and keep their partner away by feeling anger, resentment and prolonging the duration of the quarrel.

Evolutionistic thrust to the fear of refusal

As mentioned, the fear of being refused It is common experience in humans, to the point that many authors consider it a psychological adaptation aimed at preventing exclusion from the group.

According to Baumeister and Leary (1995) the need to belong, and plays, a fundamental role in the survival of the species. It arises from the need for human beings to form groups that facilitate survival. In fact, groups can share food and resources, provide mutual assistance in the growth of children and increase the ability to defense from threats.

It is not surprising, therefore, that the fear of being judged negatively be one of the fears most tried by the human being. In a hostile environment, like the forests in which our progenitors lived, the negative judgment could mean exclusion from the group and expose the person to the danger.

In this perspective, the sensitivity to refusal It has the specific purpose of guaranteeing good relationships with other members of the community. In fact, the hyper-cost of social signals would allow to identify early clues that predict a refusal and to implement adequate survival strategies (Romero-Canyas et al., 2010). For example, by activating repairs replies (submission) or active avoidance response of the situation (attack-attack behaviors).

Fear of refusal and psychopathology

On the psychopathological level, the fear of refusal is transversal to many disorders, but it seems to cover particular relevance in some personality disorders.

Borderline personality

The borderline personality disorder (DBP) is characterized by a pervasive emotional instability, impulsiveness in actions and difficulties in maintaining stable social relationships (Poggi et al., 2019).

These people react in an impulsive and emotionally intense way to situations in which they foresee or suffer a refusal. De Panfilis et al. (2016), highlighted how those who suffer from this disorder tends to feel more excluded from groups. It perceives less belonging even in the face of explicit manifestations of appreciation and inclusion.

Narcissistic personality

A second disorder in which sensitivity to refusal is central is the narcissistic personality disorder (DNP). Although, commonly, this association is not evident, many studies (for example de Panfilis et al., 2015) highlight how the experience of social waste is absolutely painful for these individuals, to the point of unleashing violent and angry answers.

Avoidant personality

A third personality disorder in whose heart is the fear of refusal is the avoidant personality disorder (DEP). This pathology is characterized by a profound sense of inadequacy combined with fear of being criticized and rejected. These people have a tendency to see each other chronically lower than the others coming to fear most of the daily interactions. In this sense, extreme forms of escape can in place by retreating to the house for months or years.

Social anxiety disorder

Finally, the fear of refusal is central to social anxiety disorder (DAS). It is not a personality disorder. Often it presents itself in a limited form to the fear of being criticized regarding performance to be carried out in public, such as keeping a speech or taking the floor in a discussion. Those who suffer from das fears to appear inadequate and therefore liable to criticism and refusal.

Fear of sentimental refusal

A particular case is the fear of being refused from a person for whom we feel attraction and affection. The refusal, in this case, can be particularly painful as it is linked to the idea that everyone has of himself.

In addition to a general lowering of mood, a sentimental refusal may arise depressive states, loss of self -esteem and fears about one’s future (Perilloux & Buss, 2008). Furthermore, they are not rare feelings of revenge which, in extreme cases, can lead to situations of psychological or physical abuse.

According to Keller and Nesse (2005) the suffering that derives from a sentimental refusal fulfills two adaptive functions. Cry and show one’s sadness acts as a social signal and promotes an empathic process that will push friends to support those who have been refused. In this sense, showing demolition serves to increase social support. Secondly, the pain following the refusal represents a negative consequence that the person will not want to try again. This, therefore, has the function of reminding the person that the strategies used in courtship have not been effective and will promote the adoption of new strategies on future occasions.

How to manage the fear of refusal

Here below some simple tips to cope with the refusal (real or feared) by others.

• Remember that refusal is a normal aspect of existence and that there is nothing abnormal in feeling emotional pain.
• Wondering if there are alternative explanations that can justify the distant or accumulated attitude of the interlocutor. For example, a working difficulty, tiredness or simply lack of time to devote to conversation.
• Use the refusal as a constructive moment to improve yourself or to re -evaluate the situation. What can I improve to avoid criticism in the future? Is what he told me really a refusal?
• Remember to turn to yourself with acceptance and benevolence. The refusal is painful, but it is precisely before it that everyone needs to feel reassured about their value. You can try to contact a loved one who knows how to have esteem and affection for you.
• Look at the overall picture. Often a refusal is limited to a situation, to a context or comes from a single person and is not to be understood as an overall judgment on the person.
• Do not allow feelings of anger and revenge to take control. It is important not to let anger drive impulsive actions, rather recognize anger and dedicate yourself to pleasant activities that help to develop it.

Bibliographic references

• Baumeister, R., & Leary, M. (1995). The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments AS A Fundamental Human Motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529. DOI: 10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497
• Burklund, L., Eisenberger, N., & Lieberman, M. (2007). The Face of Rejection: Rejection Sensitivity Moderates Dorsal Anterior Cingulade Activity to disapproving favcial expressions. Social Neuroscience, 2(3-4), 238-253. Doi: 10.1080/17470910701391711
• Cain, N., de Panfilis, C., Meehan, K., & Clarkin, J. (2017). A Multisurface Interpersonal Circumplex Assessment of Rejection Sensitità. Journal of Personal Assessment, 99(1), 35-45. DOI: 10.1080/00223891.2016.1186032
• De Panfilis, C., Meehan, K., Cain, N., & Clarkin, J. (2016). Effortful Control, Rejection Sensititivity, and Borderline Personality Disorder Features in AdultHood. Journal of Personalities Disorders, 30(5), 595-612. Doi: 10.1521/Pedi_2015_29_226
• De Panfilis, C., Riva, P., Preti, E., Cabrino, C., & Marchesi, C. (2015). When Social Inclusion is not enouted: implicit expectatitions of extreme inclusion in Borderline Personality Disorder. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 6(4), 301-309. Doi: 10.1037/per0000132
• Downey, G., & Feldman, S. (1996). Implications of Rejection Sensititivity for Intimate Relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(6), 1327-1343. DOI: 10.1037 // 0022-3514.70.6.1327
• Downey, G., Freitas, A., Michaelis, B., & Khouri, H. (1998). The self-phulfilling prophecy in Close Relationships: Rejection Sensitità and Rejection by Romantic Partners. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(2), 545-560. DOI: 10.1037 // 0022-3514.75.2.545
• Gao, S., Assink, M., Cipriani, A., & Lin, K. (2017). Associations Bethaeen Rejection Sensitità and Mental Health Outcomes: A Meta-Aalytic Review. Clinical Psychology Review, 5759-74. DOI: 10.1016/J.CPR.2017.08,007
• Keller, M., & Nesse, R. (2005). Is low mood an adaptation? Evidence for subtypes with sympoms that match precipiturnts. Journal of affective disorders, 86(1), 27-35. DOI: 10.1016/J.JAD.2004.12.005
• Meehan, K., Cain, N., Roche, M., Clarkin, J., & de Panfilis, C. (2018). Rejection Sensititivity and Interpersonal Behavior in Daily Life. Personality and Individual Differences, 126109-115. DOI: 10.1016/J.PAID.2018.01.029
• Perilloux, C., & Buss, D. (2008). Breaking Up Romantic Relationships: Costs Experienced and Coping Strategies Deployed. Evolutionary Psychology, 6(1), 147470490800600. Doi: 10.1177/147470490800600119
• Poggi, A., Richetin, J., & Preti, E. (2019). Trust and Rejection Sensititivity in Personalities Disorders. Current Psychiatry Reports, 21(8). DOI: 10,1007/S11920-019-1059-3
• Romero-Canyas, R., Downey, G., Berenson, K., Ayduk, O., & Kang, N. (2010). Rejection Sensititivity and the Rejection-Hostility Link in Romantic Relationships. Journal of Personality, 78(1), 119-148. DOI: 10.1111/J.1467-6494.2009.00611.X