The mother-fool relationship It is one of the deepest and most complex ties that exist. Unique in its kind, it continually transforms through the different phases of life, from gestation to adulthood. With the passage of time, roles can evolve and even invert themselves, bringing with them moments of great understanding but also of strong conflict. It is not uncommon, in fact, to feel phrases full of pain like “My adult daughter can’t stand me“Or find himself thinking of having a daughter who seems to hate the mother.
In this article we will explore the nature of this special bond, analyzing why the relationship between mom and daughter It can become difficult and sometimes conflicting, especially in adulthood. We will try to give a name to these dynamics and offer ideas for reflection for those who ask How to recover the relationship with your daughter and find a peaceful dialogue.
Mom and daughter: the roots of a unique link
Between mother and daughter there is one special connectiona link that feeds on an intense ambivalence: a continuous alternation of needs of union and desires away. The foundations of this relationship are thrown since gestationwhen the daughter learns to recognize the timbre of the voice and the beat of the maternal heart, perceiving the care and attention that are dedicated to it.
After birth, in the period immediately following childbirth, it turns for a long time into a symbiotic relationship of dependence mother-fool.
With growth, the relationship evolves. If between the two and three years the addiction is almost total, around five years the initial symbiosis leaves room for a new dynamic: the girl begins to see the first, a fundamental model to build her own in her mother female identity.
Psychoanalysis also wondered about this link for a long time. According to the model of mother-fool relationship analyzed by Freudto fully develop her identity and sexuality, the daughter must take a crucial step: psychologically separate from the maternal figure to turn her ‘love object’ towards the father, thus completing a fundamental stage of her development.
The mother-daughter conflictual relationship in childhood
Even during childhood, the link between mom and daughter It can cross moments of tension. A conflictual relationship between mother and small daughterFor example, it can emerge if the mother is facing a delicate condition such as post partum depression. In extreme situations, this maternal suffering can have very serious consequences, as in the case of Medea’s syndrome, which describes the impulse to physically or psychologically annihilate their child.
Another possible cause of the mother-daughter conflict in the period of childhood can occur in the case of provocative oppositional disorder, or that behavior disorder that leads the child to oppose extreme hostility to the figure that represents the authority.
Other dynamics can contribute to incrubating the relationship, such as jealousy for the arrival of a brother, excessive hyperprotectivity, typical of the so -called helicopter parents, or on the contrary a significant lack of care. If these dynamics are chronic, they can lay the foundations for what in the future could be perceived as a dysfunctional relationship.
A dysfunctional relationship between mother and daughter lived in such a formative period as childhood can leave a deep imprint, with consequences that can occur in adulthood in the relational sphere and in the ability to manage their emotions.
The mother-child relationship in adolescence: between conflict and autonomy
Adolescence is a phase of great revolutions, and the link between mother and daughter is deeply affected. A difficult relationship between mother and daughter In this period it is far from rare. Indeed, the mother-child conflict in adolescence It is often a natural and necessary signal: it is the moment when the daughter begins her path to autonomy.
During the changes of adolescence, the girl becomes a girl and, as it is natural, questioned the dependence on the mother. The rules to be respected at home in adolescence often become a clash. There is no wonder, therefore, if The relationship undergoes changes sometimes even strong, oscillating between two opposite poles:
- The mother is idealized as a distant and almost unattainable model
- The girl try to detach from it: here the emotion of anger and then the sense of guilt come into play.
As painful, these movements are healthy and functional defense mechanisms. They serve the young woman to build its own identityan identity in which the maternal model, while remaining fundamental, is integrated and flanked by that of other female reference figures.
Conflicting relationships between mother and adult daughter
The conflict between parents and adult children assumes unique shades when it concerns mother and daughter. The maternal bond is the first relational model, the one that teaches ‘how to stay in the world’. If adolescent tensions do not resolve, the conflicting relationship between mother and daughter can chronicize, and the consequences of adulthood They can be deep and complex.
Once the adolescence has been overcome, dynamics that make the relationship difficult may emerge or persist. The adult mother-child conflict It can be fed by different situations, for example:
- a aggressive mother with her daughterthat the criticism is constantly devaluing;
- a Mother’s jealous adult daughteror vice versa, a mother who feels jealousy for her daughter’s life;
- a symbiotic relationship between mother and adult daughterwhere the boundaries are labile and the autonomy is hindered;
- The daughter is involved in a family triangulation to manage a parents’ conflict of couple;
- A form of emotional dependence is established that binds the daughter to the mother, or vice versa;
- The mother takes on disabling or ‘castrating’ behavior towards her daughter;
- There are dynamics of psychological, verbal or emotional violence.
Mothers and daughters: unresolved conflicts and the weight of judgment
As we have seen, the conflict does not always run out with adolescence. Indeed, often it transforms. A crucial moment occurs when the daughter becomes in turn a mother: it is here that they can take action of unconscious ‘compensation’ claims, and you start dealing with what you feel you have not received.
Sometimes, the mother it can unconsciously activate a projection mechanism of one’s desiresconvinced you know what is best for her daughter. In these cases, the mother expects her daughter to realize dreams or ambitions that she herself has not been able to pursue, imposing expectations that do not belong to her daughter.
The mother-daughter conflictual relationship can trigger consequences such as quarrels, misunderstandings and, sometimes, even competition. In other cases, when mother and daughter do not talk, the conflict remains silent.
When the roles are reversed: the daughter who takes care of the mother
The reversal of roles can also occur when a parent lives a condition of psychological fragility, such as depression, bipolar disorder, dependencies or unresolved traumas. In these circumstances, it may happen that the roles are reversed and that it is The daughter to look after the mothertaking on an enormous emotional and practical load.
This dynamic, defined Inverted Mother-Figlia care (A concept explored by J. Bowlby in his attacker studies) can also manifest himself when his daughter becomes the confident and the ‘best friend’ of the mother, losing her role as a daughter.
The psychology of mother-fool relationship shows us how, faced with these dynamics, a common reaction is that of distance. Sometimes, this removal is not a refusal, but an instinctive attempt to protect yourself and, paradoxically, to find a space in order to forgive the errors and shortcomings perceived during growth.
However, it is precisely from the crisis that an opportunity can arise. Face conflict can lead to a rapprochement and to resolution of some conflictsfundamental steps to recover and redefine the relationship between mother and adult daughter.
Understand the link to create a new relationship
The psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Marie Lion-Julinwhich for more than 15 years has been dealing with the relationship between mothers and daughters, in his book “Mothers, get rid of your daughters“He says:
“Freeing oneself means being able to create one’s life with his own criteria, without depending on the maternal approval. It also means freeing himself on a heavy female inheritance of dependence transmitted from mother to daughter”.
The words of Lion-Julin invite us to reflect on the need to ‘get rid of’, or to find their own way without constantly depending on maternal approval. This process of separation, however difficult, is a fundamental step for growth. The relationship with the motherin fact, has a profound influence on crucial areas of a daughter’s life:
- self-esteem
- independence
- relations
- The way of living maternity
- The way of living femininity.
How to recover the relationship between mother and daughter?
At that time, How to recover the relationship with the daughter Or with the mother? Remedy a difficult relationship between mother and daughter It is a path that requires commitment, but it is possible. The starting point is the will, by both or even just one, of question their beliefs and place yourself in listening authentic. To start this process, mom and daughter they can try:
- accept mutual limits
- enhance the resources that have nourished their relationship
- forgive those who have been experienced as errors
- Reopen to dialogue, connecting past, present and future.
“You are the only one in the world you know, of my heart, what has always been, before any other love.”
Pp Pasolini
Sometimes, however, the will alone is not enough. The wounds can be deep and relational mechanisms so rooted as to make change difficult. If you recognize yourself in this situation and you feel that the relationship with your mother or daughter causes you persistent suffering, Ask a specialist for help It can be a courageous and transformative step.
With the support of a professional expert in family problems, such as an unabravic online psychologist, it is possible to face the Mother-child conflict in a protected space. The goal is not to find a culprit, but understand the dynamics, heal the wounds and lay the foundations for a more balanced and serene relationship.
Books on the mother-child relationship
For those who want to deepen further, literature offers numerous food for thought. Here are some books on the relationship between mother and daughter and on the psychology of motherhood that can offer new perspectives, in addition to the aforementioned text by Marie Lion-Julin:
- Mothers and daughters in the mirror. The mother-daughter relationship and spiritual family constellationsS. viapiana, new technical editions
- The hands of the mother. Desire, ghosts and inheritance of the maternalM. Recalcati, Economic Universal Feltrinelli
- Mothers never make mistakesG. Bollea, Economic Universal Feltrinelli
- A womanA. Ernaux, The footprint editorIftAnd
- The wine of solitudeI. Nemirovsky, Adelphi
