When we are not ready to admit to ourselves what we feel and the nature of what we feel, we cannot have real communication with our truth. Even less will it be possible to establish a truly intimate relationship with another, be it a partner, a parent, a boss or a friend. To feel good in relationships with others it is important to have good emotional intelligence. Trying to control our emotions, however, means blocking the relationship in its spontaneous evolution: it’s like trying to control the heart.
Can you love if your heart doesn’t stay open?
How can we indulge in the flow of positive and regenerating feelings and emotions if we are still struggling to protect ourselves? In psychology, emotions are considered central to understanding our way of relating to others and to ourselves: often, in fact, even without realizing it, we tend to repress what we feel, generating what are called ‘repressed emotions’. Alexander Lowen, founder of Bioenergetic Analysis, teaches that the ability to love is proportional to our openness and tolerance towards the vulnerability that inevitably accompanies every authentic relationship.
It’s not just unpleasant emotions that worry us: very often even a strong joy or a strong feeling of pleasure and love can destabilize and scare us. It is often repressed:
- fear, because it would paralyze us;
- anger, because it would be too dangerous;
- desperation or sorrow, because they would be demoralizing;
- pain, for example that linked to the failure to realize a desire, because it is difficult to tolerate.
In this way, our mind gets stuck in the need to control itself, often going so far as to repress the feelings it fears most.
Trusting is good!
It’s not always easy to believe and trust in beautiful things. How much effort we spend keeping ourselves from entrusting ourselves to love, from feeling happiness, for fear that it won’t last! More and more often we hear stories of relationships at a standstill, blocked by the fear that everything could end or that disappointment could come.
Brunori Sas, in his song The truthsings: “the truth is that it scares you, the idea that everything you cling to will have to end sooner or later”. Maybe that’s the point: clinging is not trusting. There is no clinging to people or relationships. It is essential to remain centered and rooted in ourselves, in our feelings, in the construction of our own individuality, before we can become an Us.
What’s stopping us?
Being aware of one’s feelings and their origin, including any traumatic experiences, is important before attributing qualities or shortcomings that influence our state of mind to the other. To prevent the couple from becoming the place where fears, conflicts, blocks and emotional censorship flow, it is necessary work on ourselves and on the ability to distinguish the past from the present.
We should find the strength to rework our history, recognize the point at which we are stuck and which emotionally traumatic memory has marked us. What hurt us so much that we closed down every movement of free expression of feelings? What are we protecting ourselves from?
Emotional regulation: what it means and why it may be important
Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize, understand and manage one’s emotions in a flexible and adaptive way. It is not simply a matter of controlling emotions, in the sense of repressing or ignoring them, but of learning to live with them – even the most intense or uncomfortable ones – without being overwhelmed by them.
According to the model proposed by psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, difficulty regulating emotions can lead to maladaptive strategies such as rumination or avoidance, which in the long run increase emotional distress. On the contrary, adaptive strategies such as acceptance, cognitive restructuring and mindfulness help us experience emotions in a healthier and more constructive way.
Learning to regulate emotions is fundamental for psychological well-being and the quality of relationships, because it allows you to respond to life events with greater balance and awareness.
Practical strategies for emotional regulation
There are several strategies that can help us manage emotions more effectively. Here are some practical techniques you can try:
- Conscious breathing: Stopping and paying attention to your breathing can help calm your body and mind, reducing the intensity of unpleasant emotions.
- Label emotions: Giving a name to what you feel (for example, “I’m feeling angry” or “I feel sadness”) allows you to distance yourself from the emotion and observe it more clearly.
- Acceptance: Welcome emotions without judging them or trying to change them immediately. This attitude, also promoted by mindfulness, can reduce internal struggle and promote well-being.
- Cognitive restructuring: Try to change the way you interpret a situation, looking for more balanced and less catastrophic alternatives.
- Shift your attention: When an emotion is too intense, it may be helpful to engage in a pleasant or relaxing activity for a few minutes, then return to reflect more calmly.
These strategies do not eliminate emotions, but they can help you experience them in a more sustainable way and not be overwhelmed by them.
The importance of expressing your feelings
Externalizing feelings is a fundamental step towards emotional well-being. Expressing what you feel, whether verbally or through other channels such as writing or art, helps you make sense of your emotions. Often, when you keep everything inside, emotions tend to accumulate, risking negatively affecting your psychological balance. Sharing your feelings with someone you trust, such as a friend or a professional, can instead bring relief and foster greater self-understanding.
Learning to express feelings also means giving yourself permission to be vulnerable. It’s not always easy to expose yourself, however openly communicating your emotions represents an act of courage that can foster more authentic and deeper relationships. Through dialogue, a space for listening and welcoming is created, essential for feeling understood and less alone in the face of difficulties.
Adaptive and maladaptive strategies: how to recognize them
Not all strategies we use to manage emotions are equally useful. It is important to distinguish between adaptive strategies And maladaptive strategies:
- Adaptive strategies: include acceptance, support seeking, cognitive restructuring and mindfulness. These modalities can help process emotions and find inner balance.
- Maladaptive strategies: include suppression, avoidance, rumination, and substance use. These behaviors may offer temporary relief, but are often associated with long-term worsening of discomfort.
Recognizing your usual strategies is the first step to changing them. For example, if you find yourself systematically avoiding situations that make you uncomfortable, you can gradually try to address them with the support of emotional regulation techniques.
Emotional dysregulation and psychological health
There emotional dysregulation occurs when emotions become too intense, long-lasting, or difficult to manage, negatively affecting behavior and well-being. This phenomenon can be present in various psychological conditions, such as anxiety disorders, depression and personality disorders.
For example, a person with borderline personality disorder may experience very rapid emotional swings and difficulty regaining calm after a stressful event. Even in anxiety disorders, difficulty regulating fear can lead to excessive avoidance and a reduction in quality of life.
Recognizing the signs of emotional dysregulation is essential to asking for help and embarking on a path of personal and psychological growth.
How can psychotherapy help us?
It is important to look inside our most intimate feelings, recognize them and be able to express them: a therapeutic journey can help us with this.
Psychotherapy is a contact with ourselves, an analysis of our history and the events that have contributed to making us who we are. This is a process that requires motivation and courage. It is the courage to observe and recognize that, despite everything, it is still possible to live an intense and emotionally honest life. A path that invites you to stay, after all, true to themselves.
Learn to hold hands
Therapy requires courage and patiencebecause access to these parts of us is not immediate. Taking the wounded child we were by the hand means learning to be the adult we needed. Armoring the heart and showing oneself strong is not enough to cover the painful feeling, because internal sadness is the most intimate and pervasive suffering: it is the pain of a heart that is tight.
If you feel that emotions are difficult to manage and you want to start a journey of awareness and well-being, Evidence Network can help you find the professional best suited to your needs. Take the first step: start the questionnaire and find your psychologist online.
