The arrival of a child makes the family system permanent and unrepeatable. The birth of a child represents an important phase in which motherhood and fatherhood constitute, in a personal dimension, a significant moment in the evolutionary process of each individual. What happens to the couple who decides to have a child?
How the couple changes with the arrival of a child
There birth of a son it makes the couple’s union even more visible, representing something irrevocable and establishing something permanent: the parental role cannot be cancelled. This stage of the couple’s life cycle requires considerable commitment from parents, who must take on parental responsibilities and assume a parental role.
The transition from marital couple to parental couplethe care and rearing of offspring, modify pre-existing balances, prompting the birth of new rules and the redefinition of interpersonal spaces. Accepting the new arrival into the already established family system can be challenging, but it is essential.
It is necessary for the couple to redefine themselves and include aspects relating to the care of children: in doing so they transform from a marital couple to parental couple. New agreements and communication models will be established, adapting pre-existing ones to the birth of the new triad.
The newcomer fits into an already organized system, with its own complex and singular temporal architecture, unique and unrepeatable, characterized above all by individual stories, shared experiences and organized around intergenerational bonds.
A new bond that intertwines past and future
The family has once been characterized by evolutionary lines of an ancient past, linked to some myths handed down by older generations, and which runs through those of a future that lives in the experiences and projects of the elderly members towards the new generations. The newly formed nucleus was born from two family histories, rooted in a genealogical network that influences new ties.
Psychological reference models in the transition to parenthood
The transition to parenthood has been widely studied in psychology through various theoretical models that help understand individual and couple changes.
One of the best known is the attachment theory by John Bowlby (British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst), who underlines how early experiences with reference figures influence the ability to build secure bonds even in adult life and, consequently, the way in which one approaches the parental role.
Another important model is that of identification processes: becoming parents often leads to recalling and re-elaborating one’s experiences as children, influencing educational and relational choices with the new born.
Finally, the family life cycle model (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989) describes the birth of a child as one of the main transition phases, which may require the couple to redefine roles, boundaries and methods of communication to promote the adaptation and well-being of all members.
The family and the child
Pregnancy, for some women, is the most important moment of life. There are many physical changes that accompany the mother for the nine months of gestation: the woman is the first to notice and realize that a baby is about to be born and the awareness comes earlier than in the man.
In the mind of a mother
For most women, becoming mothers means make a wish come true associated with the need for filiation and continuity of the species. The changes are more evident, especially those of the body, which are also accompanied by psychic changes characterized by affective, aggressive and narcissistic impulses with respect to the self and relationships. The waiting period is the result of changes:
- hormonal;
- organic;
- neurological;
- psychological.
At this moment, profound conflicts related to previous stages of development emerge and positive and negative aspects can be projected onto the fetus within the maternal body.
What happens to man?
Other changes occur in humans:
- the mentalization of pregnancy occurs in a later period than that of the woman;
- his life is conditioned by the quality of the couple’s relationship: the greater the agreement with his partner, the more involved he will feel in the generative process.
With parenthood the couple experiences moments of particular complicity. We encourage each other and the emotional dimension becomes denser. The child exists even before conception and fantasies and desires are projected onto him.
The imaginary child, the phantasmatic child and the real child
Who among us has never projected ourselves into the future with a family and children? While the ghostly child appears in the mother’s dreams as an expression of the maternal unconscious world, the imaginary child represents the conscious and shared construction that the couple creates for themselves, starting from their perceptions of the child and the desires that concern them.
In the couple, highly empathetic moments focused on desire alternate with moments characterized by anguish and fears, especially linked to the idea of not conceiving a healthy and happy child. When the baby is born, all the couple’s projections will collide with the real baby.
A great challenge
The waiting period is one of the most beautiful and at the same time most challenging periods for a couple. The birth of a child, on the one hand, represents the fruit of the couple’s relationship establishes its unityon the other side the puts a strain on it. A child, even if it has not yet been born, can influence the couple, especially regarding sexual and emotional behavior.
The couple must learn to reshape and reconstitute themselves based on new roles, focusing above all on the issues of commitment and parental care. The birth of a child represents a strong component of narcissistic gratification, in which he is experienced as proof of the generative force and an extension of the parental couple.
The most common difficulties and the role of psychological support
Dealing with parenthood can present the couple with numerous difficulties, both practical and emotional. Among the most frequent we find:
- Reduced communication: tiredness and new commitments can lead to a decrease in dialogue and emotional sharing.
- Stress management: The pressure of new responsibilities can increase levels of anxiety and tension.
- Decrease in sexual desire: physical and emotional changes and fatigue can affect the couple’s intimate sphere.
- Educational differences: differences in parenting values and styles may emerge, often linked to their respective family histories.
In these moments, the psychological support it can be a valid help. Couple psychotherapy offers a protected space in which:
- Explore difficulties without judgment.
- Improve communication and mutual understanding.
- Develop shared strategies to deal with changes.
According to a review published in “Frontiers in Psychology” (2021), psychological support interventions aimed at couples transitioning to parenthood may be associated with reduced levels of conflict and increased relationship satisfaction.c
Practical advice for dealing with the transition to parenthood
Coping with the transition from couple to family can require awareness and small daily steps. Here are some useful strategies:
- Keep the dialogue open: carving out moments to talk about your experiences, fears and expectations can help you feel closer and understood.
- Ask for help when needed: Involving trusted family or friends can lighten the load and prevent feelings of isolation.
- Share responsibilities: dividing the tasks related to caring for the child and the house can promote balance and reduce tension.
- Take care of the couple: Even brief moments of intimacy or shared activities can strengthen the bond.
- Accept imperfection: recognizing that there are no perfect parents can allow you to experience the inevitable difficulties with greater serenity.
These measures, although simple, can make the difference in keeping the couple’s relationship strong during one of the most delicate phases of life.
The developmental stages of children and their impact on the couple
Raising children can bring new challenges and opportunities for change for the couple. Each developmental stage of the child can influence the family balance:
- Early childhood (0-3 years): requires constant presence and can reduce the time available for the couple, increasing physical and emotional fatigue.
- Preschool and school age: new educational and social needs emerge, which can lead to discussions on rules and values.
- Adolescence: children’s search for autonomy can call into question family dynamics and require a renegotiation of parental roles.
According to a study published in the “Journal of Family Psychology” (2019), couple satisfaction tends to decrease in the first years after the birth of a child, and then stabilizes or, in some cases, increases when the children grow up and become more independent.
Being aware of these stages and their effects can help the couple prepare and support each other throughout the family growth journey.
Support your couple in their parenting journey with Evidence Network
Becoming parents can be an extraordinary journey, made up of intense emotions, new responsibilities and inevitable changes in the couple’s relationship. If you feel the need for support to face this transition, remember that you are not alone: asking for help is an act of care towards yourself, your partner and your family. With Evidence Network you can find an online psychologist who can accompany you on this journey, helping you strengthen the dialogue, manage difficulties and, in some cases, live each phase of parenthood with greater serenity. Take the first step towards the well-being of your couple: start the questionnaire to find your psychologist online.
