There are many types of lies and many different reasons to tell them. To transmit to our children the importance of sincerity and loyalty must know its mechanisms
That of lies, In the relationship between children and adults, it is an important question. Before asking “Because children say lies“, It must be borne in mind that this situation also concerns the adults. Usually, in fact, they are the ones who first say systematically lies to childrenand not vice versa. Maybe thinking of doing well, sometimes to protect them from something too painful, sometimes by lightness, or to get away with cheap, or because they fear not knowing how to translate a difficult thought or experience into understandable terms. Almost always because they do not notice how much the hunger for truth that children have.
The lies of adults
To children you have to tell the truth alwaysespecially on what concerns them. This does not mean that the parents must “confess” with their children, or confide their difficulties as a couple, or to tell how much the debts with the bank amount. There is a substantial difference between confidentiality and falsehood. The use of children is not appropriate, smuggled as “sincerity”, to obtain emotional support for their adult problems. Inevitably, children would feel loaded with a disproportionate task: emotionally support parentsinstead of taking advantage of their emotional support, as it is in the nature of things.
It is a good thing, in fact, that the separation between things concerning parents is clear, on which a good dose of confidentiality, and things that concern the children, on whom Absolute has to be the sincerity, As well as on the things that concern all human beings and the various aspects of reality.
The lies That adults tell him, sooner or later, come from the child recognized as such, and this happens much more often and more extensively than the great ones do not believe, also because the child, not trusting morehe can try to hide that he has understood that he has been deceived. The main consequence of the Bugie dei Grandi it is therefore the Loss of trust towards them, which can sometimes also lead to heavier feelings of suspiciousness or uncertainty towards reality. It is not very educational to teach, with your example, to say lies …
Why do children say lies?
All children say lies. Or at least sometimes they try. But why? What needs does their lies respond to?
Generally it is thought that the child says lies for get advantageswhich otherwise fears they are precluded. Indeed this can happen. For example: “You don’t have a snack if you don’t get up your hands before” – “But I have already washed them!”.
But the child says lies especially to “save the face”that is, to ensure (or not to lose) the esteem of the people important for him, so as to guarantee theirs consideration, their affection and theirs Love, even when he knows he does not correspond to their expectations.
The lies, therefore, almost always arise from the impact with expectations towards him that he feels (at least at least) too high, or by Directions of advantages that he feels too restricted or too severely conditioned to behaviors that are requested and that appear too onerous to him. The lies, Above all, those of children are part of a relationship that, at that moment, for some reason, appears as too narrow compared to their expectations in comparison with the expectations of others. We must take this into account, not to pretend anything from our children (indeed!), But for understand what is happening And in order to indicate other ways of dealing with the gap between their own and others’ expectations.
Not all lies are self -protective (saving the face, obtaining advantages, avoiding punishments): they can also be protective of others (friends, companions, adults), to avoid real or imaginary damage. In this type of lies, those that the child tells adults fall, because he perceives them as too fragile: fearing to give them unbearable pain, protects them, hiding the thing that would spin them. Even in these cases it is appropriate to understand what is happening, and facilitate that the child finds other ways of managing the relationship.
Finally, a particular type is that of Compliant lies. The “well -educated” child, for example, says that aunt’s soup is good, even if it disgusts it, to try to make it happy. The risk is that of confuse Good relationship with false relationshiplove with complacency. If this becomes the prevailing of ways, a fate of unhappiness can be opened.
When do children say lies?
But there is another reason, even more important (and by the big ones almost always misunderstood) so the child, at certain times, needs to say the lies. Is the need to experience that his mind is not transparent; that the greats do not read inside without his knowledge; that they are not like God who sees everything and everything knows, but have failed; that you only know each other through communication. Also for this way the child completes the perception of himself as of aindividual entityseparate, distinct from parents and any other human being. An entity that has differentiated areas within itself: some more intimate and very personal, which can keep reserved only for itself; a little more peripheral, but always very intimate, which can share with the people more friends; others more external, to which many more people can access; And others much more peripheral, social, which can share almost with everyone. And this is the basis for discovering many things, including, for example, self -value, the ability to treat people and relationships differently differentlyimportance of cooperation.
All lies are bornultimately, from distrust in themselves (heard as unable to face the truth and personal, relational and social consequences of it), distrust in the interlocutor (heard as one or who claims too much, or who cannot stand the truth for fragility or for preconception), and distrust in the relationshipAnd (heard as too fragile, how he could not contain things as they are).
It is therefore right Pretend that our children are sincere and loyal (unless you want to make them presidents of the Council of Ministers …), and it is right to pass them love for the truth as one of the greatest values, and it is right, therefore, sanction lies as something negative; But it is also essential, from time to time, understand the meanings of the individual lies In the context in which they bloom, to be able to facilitate other more adequate ways, to safeguard the sense of self and relationships with others.
